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    JENNSWIMS   8,429
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It Isn't Starting Over, My Body Remembers

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I think it is a fair assessment that in many ways things got pretty crappy for me in 2012, both in terms of weight loss (gain!!!) and the rest of my life.

Things are so much better today, better in so many ways, except for the stinkin' meanie-head scale and my size "fat" pants. I lost a lot of ground there, but in other ways I am so much better than I was 6-8 months ago. I have my head on straight FINALLY, I even left a job that was killing me, a job that had become such a part of my life that it didn't even seem weird to never have a whole weekend off.

NEWS FLASH: You know changing jobs is the right move when you don't even care that you took an enormous pay cut. That you care more that you are happy and therefore become willing to take a pay cut and in exchange for having work-life balance. At first I didn't believe it could possibly be true, but I, L'Occitane tramp extraordinaire, will happily sacrifice the random trips to L'Occitane for overpriced but absolutely fantabulous body products if it means I have a life outside of working like a rabid dog. What? I get to work 3 12 hour shifts instead of 24 hour plus shifts at the drop of a hat? OK, sign me up!

Emotionally, I'm in a better place than I was this time last year, or even when I was actively dropping weight like a professional boxer wearing one of those shiny silver sweatsuits. I'm happy, I love walking in the door when I get home, I love my life. I have these frequent moments where I find myself thinking "I didn't know I could be this happy." So much good in my life that I am thankful for every single day.

Sometimes I look out my dirty windows at my backyard and wonder if I'm on candid camera and my life is so good because it's really a gameshow and everyone is watching and wondering when I will figure it out.

It's easy to think that I'm back at square one, having returned to my ginormous starting weight of 2011. I'm not. My body remembers.
NEWS FLASH 2: My body is much more willing to get with the program when my brain is in fulminant cheerleader life-loving mode.

I did my first spinning class in a year last week and I didn't feel like I was going to fall off, go into respiratory or cardiac arrest and wake to some stranger threatening to perform mouth to mouth with breath that reeks of gatorade and protein powder. There may have been some moments where I had some choice words floating in my brain about the evil instructor and her "turn the knob to the right again" ways, but I did just fine on the teeny tiny painfully hard spin bike seat.

I'm rock climbing at my heaviest weight EVER, previous to this I hadn't rock climbed since the glory days of the 150s when I was in my teens. I even have my own climbing harness. Yes, friends, they make them in plus size (I'm currently a size 24), and there is no reason not to give it a whirl if your city offers indoor rock climbing.

Last time I wasn't spinning at this weight, I was forty pounds lighter than I am today before I even dared do such a thing. I wasn't kayaking at this weight, I had never even been in a kayak before July of last year when I was pretty, uh, portly to say the least.

I'm swimming half a mile at a time these days. I know I can make it back to the mile and half workouts I was doing in fairly short order, maybe a month or two. Do I still have moments where I dread being seen in a Speedo, of course, even though I'm surrounded by strangers who probably don't give two rats asses about what I look like, Speedo or otherwise.

So what I'm saying is that I'm not starting over. My body remembers. I'm still bendy when I go to yoga, and while my newly enlarged gut gets in the way sometimes, I'm way better than the last time when I hadn't even tried yoga.

My butt seems inordinately large to me right now, but I'm not focused on hating each dimply pucker and wiggly chunk of cellulite these days like I have been in years past. It will get smaller. How can it not?

My body remembers the good stuff. The spinning, the swimming, the yoga... my body remembers it all and it totally digs getting back to it. My achey joints and aching lumbar spine have given way to feeling pretty bouncy again. I'm not going to be running any day soon, and I won't be leading kickboxing class, but I'm feeling rather energetic, methinks.

My brain is in the game. The same brain that thinks eating like a starving rhino to self-medicate for stress is shockingly ok with making the transition to counting each calorie and step with a lot less struggle than the first time. The ugly voices that I silenced the first time around are still quiet, that lesson stuck quite well. Instead of the horrible words about how ugly and worthless I am, I hear a quiet voice of great comfort saying, "you've been down this path before, you know the way without a map, it will be easier this time."

It will be easier this time. It won't be easy, but my brain and my body have already done a lot of the heavy lifting, and now it is a matter of tracking every morsel and gram of everything I taste and moving as much as my crazy schedule will allow. Which, not surprisingly, isn't nearly as hard when you don't work 60 and 70 hour weeks.

This, I believe, is what people refer to as "progress".
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 5/14/2013 9:43AM

    Cheers to being "in the game" of life and loving it so!

There's NOTHING that can compare to living a life filled with SPARK! :-)

Don

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HOLLIEWALLY 5/7/2013 3:37PM

    So glad you are back. But mostly, I'm glad you are HAPPY!

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GOLOPTIOUS 5/2/2013 12:38PM

    I've missed you. I've been away from SparkPeople too, and I feel like I'm coming home. :)

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THETXCATFISH 5/1/2013 9:19PM

    Hey, I'm there too, just starting over, and realizing it's not starting over, just getting back on the wagon! It's great to have people like you on SP, it gives the rest of us impetus to go on! emoticon

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SOULFISH80 5/1/2013 5:49PM

    Congrats! Great to see you back in the swing of things!

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TRACYZABELLE 5/1/2013 3:24AM

    I have been not as active here as I was -- had WLS in April-- down 90+ since thias time last year and 160 gone total-- it is a good feeling but then when you plateau or do not do as well as you KNOW you should.. u get in a funk... I am trying to shake it off! Welcome back


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KSNANA2 4/30/2013 11:43PM

    Glad you're back!!! I feel like I am constantly getting better and learning all the time with SP. It's good news to hear your body remembers!

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MUSICALLYMINDED 4/30/2013 7:05PM

    Why SP needs you...

You make us smarter! I had to look up "fulminant". Great word.

I am going through the same thing. I've been out of the game for almost a year, but I believe it's easier the second time around. Although a lot of things stuck, dontcha think? For me it was drinking lots of water and eating my freggies. I used to live off of fast food and other crap all the time. Yeah, I ate more on my time off, but I still think I ate healthier stuff.

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AMBER281 4/30/2013 4:46PM

    Welcome back!
Another great blog.

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NUMD97 4/30/2013 12:55AM

    Ya know what, Jenn? You're much kinder and gentler to yourself than the last time around. And that's the greatest gift you can give yourself.

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CLOVER2 4/29/2013 4:51PM

    I did an actual double take when I saw you in my "favorites" area, and then boogied my butt here so I could see for myself that you are really, honestly back! I think you can tell that there are just a FEW people that feel just the way I do, and are absolutley thrilled to see that sense of humor and that wonderful sense of life that we have missed so very much.
I just haven't been able to drop "Phil", he still greets me each and every day when I update my trackers. Doing "Phabulous" things each day has never been a bad thing. And it has always been a way of keeping up the hope that you would be back one day. And here you are!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROBYNLN 4/29/2013 2:31PM

    Welcome back. I've missed your posts.

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CHANGINGSAM 4/29/2013 1:43PM

    Great! I'm glad to see you happy!

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BMCKEOW1 4/29/2013 12:22PM

    You are getting back into the swing of things, that is the hardest part. Congrats for getting this far. It sounds like you are much happier then you have been. Enjoy it and just live in the moment, because it sounds like you finally can.

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OJIBWEEQUAY 4/29/2013 9:44AM

    Fist raised! I am with your Friend! emoticon

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STFRENCH 4/29/2013 7:38AM

    Good to have you back, especially in such a positive frame of mind! emoticon

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TAYGRL 4/29/2013 12:05AM

    Seeing your blogs again and how fabulous you are doing in spite of the weight gain makes me feel in a lot of ways like spring is here. Rebirth, you in bloom--it is truly a beautiful thing to see.

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Comment edited on: 4/29/2013 12:06:40 AM

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MONETRUBY 4/28/2013 8:57PM

    emoticon

Loooove this blog!

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GOOFIERNU 4/28/2013 4:24PM

    Good for you for getting back to it! Several of my online buddies here have had set-backs, including myself.

And you're right- our bodies REMEMBER the good stuff!
It WILL be easier this time!!!
emoticon

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MYDG78 4/28/2013 1:06PM

    Wow! Enlightening--and encouraging! :-) Thanks for the words! emoticon

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HHB4181 4/28/2013 12:24PM

    Glad to hear you're in a good place. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

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FITFOODIE806 4/28/2013 10:41AM

    Progress indeed!

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JOS4EVER 4/28/2013 9:57AM

    Your definitely headed in the right direction. I'm very happy for you. Your making the right choices. Keep up the good work. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NYMORNINGGLORY 4/28/2013 9:32AM

    You are on your way ..... emoticon

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BEATLETOT 4/28/2013 7:48AM

    Yup, I can "hear" it in your words. You are on your way!!! And your attitude is amazing!

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JEREMY723 4/28/2013 7:23AM

    Welcome back! Yeah for all your victories, you have a great attitude! I'm sure more successes will follow:)

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CHICAT63 4/28/2013 6:43AM

    " Do the best that you can until you know better. Then you know better, do better. " - Maya Angelou.....helps me focus on me when everything and everyone is pulling me in each directions. Work/life balance is so important, too often we forget ourselves in the process. Have a great week ! emoticon

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OPTIMIST1948 4/28/2013 6:42AM

    Welcome back! Your body remembers and will get rid of the exra in due course. This is inspiring. Keep it going!

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ADVENTURESEEKER 4/28/2013 1:57AM

    You've got this! Hard work and dedication! nothing less.
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123ELAINE456 4/28/2013 1:33AM

  Awesome Blog. You Can Do It. God Blessings To Everyone. Have a Wonderful Lord's Day. Take Care. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CANNIE50 4/28/2013 12:05AM

    "My brain is in the game" - well, that pretty much guarantees a win, doll. emoticon

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WOLFKITTY 4/27/2013 11:38PM

    Nice! :)

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DPIRIE 4/27/2013 11:08PM

    emoticon

You got this!!

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 4/27/2013 10:44PM

    Hey! It's great to see you back! And great that you are back on track and most of all - that you are HAPPY! So good to see you!

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_JODI404 4/27/2013 10:10PM

    Yep ~ definitely progress!!

Congrats on your new job & better work/life balance!! That will help your happiness and success immensely!

Very happy for you Jenn!

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DUXGRL1 4/27/2013 9:47PM

    Glad that things are so much better for you, and that you are not starting from square 1 with exercise. It is hard to focus when things are crappy, or when you are exhausted!

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BLUEROSE73 4/27/2013 9:46PM

    You can do this. I can't wait to hear about your progress.

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SKINNYINMYHEAD 4/27/2013 9:32PM

    Definitely progress!! I know what leaving a job that sucks the life out of you is like - FREEDOM!! ... Loved this "fulminant cheerleader life-loving mode"... LOL funny... you sound like you're ready... and I agree, the body and the mind remember the way.. Yeah you!

Annie

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MOSTMOM1 4/27/2013 9:29PM

    Yup, it'll be easier this time. You don't have to retrain your brain this time and I think that's the trickiest part.
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-LINDA_S 4/27/2013 9:22PM

    Ah,,,you have such a way with words--and truth. Eloquent doesn't even begin to cover it. Success is inevitable...

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