Saturday, April 27, 2013
I never did before. 'Cause you know...I was a kid. Anything before the age of 18 I was a kid under the care of my parents. I ate what they made or bought, went to school, played my sports...whatever. Now if the doctor wanted to make health claims on a 10 year old, what am I gonna do then? I don't buy food then or know how to cook. My parents could be mad at me all they wanted for my weight at age 10 but at that age I didn't have money to buy food, I didn't cook or know how to cook...I just did what they wanted me to do and ate what they made or bought for me.
But I'm 24 now...and even though I still don't have a job and only buy food for myself when I go out, those choices are now different. Because well I'm older and "should know better". I suppose. I'm well aware of what foods are considered "healthy" or "unhealthy". For the most part I just cannot make myself care though. But my parents pester me even more about my weight now.
I hadn't gone to the doctor in what I thought was 1 year...turned out I hadn't been in about 2 and I really didn't want to go this time. I swear even if I had some serious issues (which I don't) I probably still would not have wanted to go. And it's just because of that stupid scale. I swear, I wish I was a kid again. I literally didn't care about the numbers or anything like that. As long as I had friends and had fun, that stuff didn't matter. I get that health is important and everything. I really do. And I think that people might believe that I don't understand why physical health is an important thing. But I do. The problem is I just don't care. I don't have a reason to care or to fully value the life that I have. I'm alive, but purposeless. Alive, but mentally dying everyday and I don't understand why and worse yet don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Because no one get's my perspective, I don't want to burden my friend with my issues, I don't trust my parents enough to open up to them, and I physically cannot and will not open up to a complete stranger (AKA a therapist) about my issues because I do not like people seeing me cry (petty, I know). No one understands why I do not care. Just...no one gets it and I don't think anyone wants to understand what I'm thinking. Everyone wants me to care and do all these things that are supposed to help me "live longer" and all this other crap but the only thing I can literally think is "why?". Because I cannot see it from your perspective or my parents perspective or whatever. I can just see what's in front of me and I have all these other things that I have to worry about. My weight just isn't on the top of the list.
I still need a job. I keep applying but no one calls me back. The one place I did get an interview at, pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that they weren't interested.
I'm trying to make art work for me but slowly I'm losing any and all drive I ever had for art. I just don't have any ideas for portfolio pieces or items to sell. Not to mention I do not know how to market myself for freelance work. I can barely pull in a single commission over a month period.
My self esteem is fall apart at the seems more and more. It used to be built off of my confidence in my artistic abilities. After going to art school, that isn't the case anymore. I keep trying to find something that I can be confident in, but I have nothing. I constantly feel like a burden and like I have no reason to be here...no purpose in life whatsoever. I suppose you can scoff and say that I'm just 24 and that I'm just getting started in life and have all this time to figure stuff out, but that just makes it worse. Because I know that I don't have life experience and yet I still feel purposeless and stressed out. I don't fit in anywhere. Not among other artists (possibly because I don't like being called an artist), not among anime fan, or furries, or my family, or friends...I feel like I'm that one person that if you took them out the equation, everyone around them would be much better off.
And on top of all this I'm supposed to worry about my physical appearance? Not to pull out an overused internet meme, but ain't nobody got time for that.
I guess I hadn't been on a scale in about 2 years either. Last time I'd been on one I was 170. This was not to long after I had gallbladder surgery so it's after the period in time where I was being really restrictive with what I ate because I had to. I didn't want to but I had to. So of course there's always that point where you have to get on the scale. Well I suppose you don't really have to but I would imagine that I'd get questioned about my refusal to step on a scale. I like being as non-confrontational as possible. So apparently I'm up to 199. Even after adding more exercise to my life and eating less, I gained weight. I wouldn't normally care but then my mom got on my case about it and told me I can't get over 200 again. And my dad went on talking about how I have to "do something about it" once they get back from their trip to Texas this weekend. But again I just think..."why?" and "I don't want to...".
But of course...I suppose that just means there's something wrong with me. Because any "sane" person would just...care more I guess. I dunno. So on top of not having money, not feeling like I'm good at anything, feeling like a burden, I now also feel like a failure of a human being because I just not interested in losing weight. I want to do it to shut them up, but I just don't have the drive to do so...I mean...there's nothing in it for me.
And don't say better health is in it for me. Just don't. My mother has already told that to me. Again. I don't care about the health component. I do not want to devote my time and energy to it because I just don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it other than deprivation and pain. I feel like if I'm going to do it, I need a much more worthwhile reward. Also it could be because it's a part of my personal beliefs that 1) I don't owe anyone health, 2) the size of a person's body does not determine their health status and even more importantly 3) the size of a person's body does not determine their worth as a human being. I dunno...to me if I pursued weight loss instead of just doing healthier things because I wanted to, it feels like going against those beliefs. To do so would feel hypocritical...
But I'm not above making a deal with the devil so to speak. I thought about it...mostly because I'm just sick of my parents bugging me about everything...if I eat too much, if I eat too little, if I don't eat at all, if I eat the "wrong thing", if I move to little...it's annoying. I want them to shut up before I freakin' snap. If I do what they want me to do, I want to get something I want out of it. Really more than one thing since it feels like I'd be selling off a part of myself in order to please someone else. But I feel like if I asked them for this deal that it would just come off as selfish on my part. Not to mention I feel like my dad would accept it but my mother wouldn't. Because I know most people would either live how they wanted to live regardless of what people wanted, or they change because they want to. People who change because other people want to are often frowned upon. We want people to do as they wish, but we want them to change at the same time...I have no idea what to do. I would like to just stick by what I believe and do as I please and prioritize the things in my life the way I would like to prioritize them, but I just want them to shut up. And they won't shut up. And I can't get away. I just want them to be quiet. They're not helping. They're not making me feel better. I just feel worse, and worse, and worse the more they bring it up. I'm so tired of it. But I can't do anything about it. So I want to make it work for me, but I doubt it would work...I want a trip to Otakon and a costume of my character Trick or Treat for the fun stuff...but that's all expensive. And I'd want to do the whole Nutrisystem thing for food 'cause I literally do not want to think about eating anymore. If I could live without eating a single thing I'd probably do it at this point. But I can't because I'll die in a week and for some reason this would make people sad. It shouldn't because me living is making me more and more miserable by the day but screw that...got to think about yourself first and how you'd feel is said miserable person is gone. But not eating and not thinking about food or calories is so much better...but that's expensive too I bet. Also I'm willing to bet the food tastes like crap but honestly nothing really tastes that good to me anymore so I don't think I'm losing anything here...And I'd want dance lessons and a personal trainer...but that'd be super expensive too. Written out, I'd just be asking for a lot but...yeah...no that's the price of me selling a part of my being. I just want to tell them that this is my deal. Take it or shut up. There's nothing else. I'd offer to pay them back for the Otakon trip and the fursuit should I fail to lose weight, but that's it...
I just...I'm sick of it all. Can I just die already and come back as like...a dog? Being a dog would be so much better. I'll even settle for cat. Just...something that's not human...screw being human. I want to be done with it now...It's so not worth it. Just...I'm tired of it...So tired of everything. I know people hate it when people say they hate being human because apparently being human is fantastic and magical and everything because thumbs or whatever but...I just can't handle the stress and pressure of it anymore. I just can't. But I can't do anything about it and apparently my inability to be able to handle it without cracking every 5 seconds makes me a bad human being in the eyes of a lot of people. It just feels like anything would be better than being human now...I just can't. Just...I'm so sick of everything and everyone. I almost wish the world did end in 2012...I just can't even anymore...I can't...I'm mentally exhausted and just want to be done with everything.