Friday, April 26, 2013
I have worked myself up into a terrible state. I am trying calming exercises but they are not working. I do not think i will be stress free until i get something worked out. But sometimes writting about it helps so here goes. ONCE again im having a babysitter issue. I worked a split shift today . 10-7 so i took rebekah to the babysitters around 9:30 we'll first off i hear a child crying while i was standing at the door . i told myself of course thats normal kids will cry . i had to knock 3 times i stood there for a good 8 minutes waiting for someone to open the door. I almost left ( I should have) when she did open the door she was holding a approx 1 year old who was crying nothing extreme just fussy. but then i see 9 more kids toddling after her as she opened the door. I did a head count 10 kids all under the age of 4 1 appeared to be 4 the rest 1-2 years of age. All i could think of was there is no way she can watch all these kids its too overwhelming. they are all following her around quietly wanting attenction. But here I am on my way to work its like being shell shocked . so I handed rebekah her hash rounds i bought her and her bottle and left. but all the way to work i had chest pain. I text william and told him she had to many kids. I started going down the list trying to find someone who could watch her. I get to work and try calling our backup help. no one could get her. so william had to get 1/2 a point he couldnt afford to leave early at 11 and pick her up. if he gets anymore points i think they will fire him. But what could we do. Im on the verge of crying I have a terrible headach and my chest and shoulder hurts. I know its all stress.Im so tense. he has picked her up and said good god it was kids everywhere. he said they were all on the floor sleeping when he got her at 11:30 . and then said we have to do something I cant keep leaving. we'll you know what that we have to do something means. I have to do something. he will not take charge and find someone its all on me. Once again I have to search for someone to watch her and of course not just any body they have to be familure with kids, not be dirty , have a good history, have cpr and first aid. the list goes on and on. If someone should ever happen to her I would just die. I put her in that situation. I wish i could just bring her to work with me. or better yet i wish i could work from home. I dont know what to do anymore. I have contacted the hospital they have a babysitter service i filled out paperwork and never got a response. Ive had a few people say they would watch her but want a crazy amount of money. I only need someone part time so people dont want to do that they want someone full time.
I really wanted to do some fun things this weekeend like take pictures or take the kids to the park but i think im going to be searching for a babysitter.
we'll Im going to walk out to my car its so pretty outside maybe some fresh air will help. all that matters right now is she is home and safe. I tried to eat but it was just a lump in my throat so I stopped. maybe a walk with help with that as well.
ok vent is over .