Friday, April 26, 2013
You wouldn't guess it from looking at me, but I've become one of those people at the grocery store that LOVES grocery shopping. I used to hate it (run in, run out type of person) and now, I spend about 2 hours in the grocery store, reading labels and buying only what is in my "new lifestyle" plan. I've even become a better cook! Since living on my own, and living somewhat far from work, I'd get home starving, so of course I'd want to make something really fast. So I opted for frozen meals, mac and cheese (and the like) and so on and so forth. Obviously not good for me, but it was quick. With a little extra work, I can have dinner and not feel bad about it. I don't have to beat myself up anymore.
Unfortunately I can't say the same for this week. I was supposed to start my new gym regimen this week, however I have yet to go (shame on me) and I've also been eating really badly (I blame the PMS). But with setbacks, you can only live and learn. Tomorrow is a new day.
I am participating in two 5ks this year, one on May 5th and one on June 22nd, both to support good causes (Foodshare and Pancreatic Cancer Research) and am excited to be a part of both. I did two 5ks last year (for Pancreatic Cancer and Suicide Prevention) and loved it. I felt amazing afterwards and also told my best friend I could do this everyday. Thankfully we had perfect weather for both, and I'm hoping for good weather this year too.
Everytime I come back to spark, I feel I am always a little heavier than I was before. And yes, that is the case this time. I have come back to spark slightly heavier (even after losing 20lbs) but am looking to really accomplish my goals this year. I will be moving soon, and with my new home will be a swimming pool. I don't want to be sitting at the pool all covered up because I'm embarrassed of my fat. I want to be sitting at the pool, in a bikini, getting a tan and not being afraid to show my body, even if it isn't perfect yet.
Not only that, a dear friend is getting married in May and I want to look good for the wedding. I HATE dress shopping. Today, I have become very down on myself because I don't feel I look good in a dress, even if it fits me perfectly. I have found a few online that look nice, but then it'll have to ship to me in time for the wedding and what if it doesn't fit right?? Don't know what to do. Just being hard on myself today since I didn't reach my gym goal this week and I've been eating like crap when I know I have all these things in my life that I want to look good for.
I recently went shopping with two of my very skinny tall friends for my birthday to try and find a new shirt to wear out. Found absolutely nothing. After about 4 stores, I did finally find stuff worth trying on, however none of it fit. I was so frustrated with not being able to find anything that I teared up. I'm sure many of you have been there. First of all, what is with fashion today? Most of these stores have horrific shirts that I would never be caught dead in, even if I was skinny. The worst part about having skinny friends, that never seem to gain weight (and here I am gaining about 10lbs per year) is when they talk about "I need to go to the gym. I am fat" or "I need to lose another 30lbs" Really now...you just said this right in front of me. How do you think that makes me feel? How do you really perceive my weight then? It is just so insulting and I have NUMEROUS friends that do it...so when I retaliate, what about me? They have the nerve to say "Oh shush, you're beautiful" or "you're fine" well I don't feel fine. I feel the same way you do..a big fat blob (even though they're not fat, but obviously that's how they feel)
That is my rant for the day. Felt good to get that out!