Yup. I said it, my butt hurts. A lot. Ouchy. I'm not overly pleased with my butt right now. Spin to yoga sounded like a lovely idea. I get cardio for half an hour with some serious biking and sweating, then I get my reward--some stretching, some relaxing, some more sweating and some lying on the floor trying to clear my mind.
The clearing my mind part never works. I usually end up thinking about how my car needs to be attacked by a rabid vacuum or wondering if others can hear my stomach growling, or something else of dire importance like how irritating my soon-to-be-ex can be. Not what the yogini at the front of the room had in mind, I assure you.
Anywho, the first five or so times at spinning after a long hiatus always makes my butt bones feel bruised. So, genius that I am, I thought I should spin then do a workout that requires me to exercise on those same bones. Ooops. My butt protested during class by letting out an audible fart. That's never happened to me before. Other people, yes, but not me. Apparently my butt was ticked at me. Not sure how many people heard it, but I was so glad the instructor didn't say "bless you" as has happened in other classes.
So day two post spin to yoga and I'm still placing myself gingerly on a chair, almost ladylike in my delicate way of perching, a stark contrast to my usual flop.
I loved the workout. I did. I'm going back. I love workouts that leave me drenched in sweat--you know the kind, the ones where you put on pitstick twice before you go, just to decrease the chances of being the stenchy one in the room. When I was going to kickboxing I got a weird sort of glee from throwing a punch and seeing drops of sweat go flying.
So I am back at Spark. I realize now that it is the only thing that works for me. Spark has the elements that I need to be successful.
1) A way to track every morsel of food that passes my lips.
2) Accountability. You jerkfaces notice everything and help me hold myself accountable. I like this about all of you very much. :)
3) A place to track my weight.
4) A way to track my exercise.
5) A way to tie my emotions to what I'm eating and doing regularly by blogging.
Plus, I love the encouragement and feeling of community here.
I don't want to go to meetings. I don't want to drink shakes. I don't want to eat gross frozen food. I don't want to take classes that I could teach about nutrition and lifestyle. My problem has never been a lack of knowledge, it's a problem about doing whatever I want even when I know the consequences.
My weight is up. Lots of up. Up up up. It's also starting to come down, but I managed to undo all of the hard work I did in 2011. The good news is that I know I am 100% capable of taking it off because I've done it before. It's just hard to admit to know that had I kept going the way I was I would probably be at my goal or very near. I just have to let go of that, and the fact that I'd be shopping in clothing stores of all types and maybe wearing some really cute and a little bit tight athletic gear.
I go to work in an ICU and I realize that 80% of my patients wouldn't be there if they had made the decision to eat properly and exercise, to be smoke-free and work to maintain a healthy weight. I don't want to be them. I want to be the 80 year old that is taking yoga classes and being a pain in the ass know it all and driving a convertible that young people think is wasted on an old fart like me. I want to be healthy, long term, and be hiking and biking and doing fun things for many years to come.
I tell people who are trying to lose weight that it isn't about being perfect, it's about starting over and over and over again if you need to. It's not about not eating french fries, it's about eating them once and the next meal, the next day, the next week being back on track. Real life includes birthday cake and special meals.
I'm also learning how to make exercise fun and not always a feel like work. I joined a new gym where I can go, work out, then lounge in the steam room for a bit. Going to the gym now feels like a lifestyle choice, rather than a hurry up and squeeze it in kind of thing.
I've already been in my kayak
four times in the last 2 weeks, I've even done some baby (Class II) whitewater. It doesn't feel like work, it doesn't particularly feel like exercise (it totally is), it feels like fun. I've also been doing indoor rock climbing, which I'm not very good at due to my current weight, but I sweat and I feel strong when I do it. I look forward to the day when I can do the walls that are completely vertical, but for now, I'm happy with the walls with a bit of a slant to help me. I'm looking at buying a bike, so I can ride with the wind in my hair.
At one point in 2011 I was able to run for 8 minutes. 8 freaking minutes. That was like my Mt. Everest there... so it's time to get there again. I could also do an hour on the treadmill averaging 4 miles per hour. I miss that me. I miss that smaller belly that didn't get in the way during yoga. So here I am, following my own advice, and getting back at it.
I know what worked and this lovely place (along with a lot of hard work) was it. So here I am, all 302 pounds of me. That's 9 pounds down from a few weeks ago. I managed to put a stop to the madness at exactly my starting weight of 311 several years ago, and I am thankful that it didn't get any worse than that.
I'm back, finally admitting to myself that I will probably have to track my food for the rest of my life, and I'm better than OK with that.