Friday, April 26, 2013
I'm having a tough time picking up the pieces. I'm on the verge of quitting.
Last weekend, I went out of town for my birthday. On the Friday before, I was excited because I had a plan to be as healthy as I could be. However, when you are out of town with loved ones who don't necessarily strive to be healthy, it's tough especially when it comes to food. What seemed like one bad food choice led to another bad food choice. This happened all weekend long; it also happened Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
By Wednesday, I had had enough of the processed junk that I was feeding my body. I was tired, bloated, and every bite I took, I felt sick afterwards. You'd think that those symptoms would motivate me to be better, but in reality, I'm struggling. I don't want healthy food; I really don't want food at all. I'm sick of food. I'm too tired, lethargic, and bloated to get my workouts done. By the time I get home from work, all I want to do is curl up on the couch and read.
In addition to how I feel physically, mentally, I'm not doing so well either. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. Yesterday morning, I was stupid enough to step on the scale; I'm back at 149.6 lbs which means goodbye to my 30 pound weight loss. I stepped off the scale with so much anger toward myself. I can't believe I allowed myself those 6 horrible days. Now, I'm even further from my weight goal. All of my dreams of being healthy, running, and weight etc seem unreachable. I feel like bingeing now.
I've tried forgiving myself, and it's not working. All I can think about is how terrible I look and feel. I messed up. Bad.
Once again, it's Friday, and the weekend is here. The weekend never goes well for me. My depression and anger will probably win out leading to another bad weekend. By Monday, I'm sure I will be in the 150s and singing the same old song.