Thursday, April 25, 2013
*tap, tap, tap* Hello?
Boy, it's dusty on this blog. I have been ignoring things for quite some time. There's been a major shift in my life and it started (unbeknownst to me) around the time of my last blog. I have two cats, my first pets, and they are now officially dying. One is in kidney failure, the other has kidney disease and is on her way to kidney failure. They are on oodles of medicines and most of my time is spent caring for them. It's like becoming a single mother to two toddlers overnight. I am exhausted.
But, I've only gained 5 lbs in 6 months. Usually while grieving I gain massive quantities of weight. Admittedly they are not dead yet, but watching them slowly die is worse than a quick ripping off the bandage type death. One is so sick that he might be gone by tomorrow. The other is about 6 months-1 year behind, assuming we can get her balanced. Trying to find a set of medicines at certain doses and food combo that does everything well is exhausting. I'm at the vet twice a week minimum and the bills are mounting up.
I should say that I'm not sure if I want kids. I think I would be a good mother, but not necessarily to biological children. I'm not 100% sure I can have biological children. I'm not 100% sure that I should unleash my DNA onto this world. I am 27 and have no desire to start a family in the next 5 years. Children are exhausting, but there is a reasonable chance that they will progress to the next level of development. At some point they will more likely than not talk, walk, and be able to take care of themselves.
At first I wished that the sicker cat would just die. For 4 months he was the only one who was sick. He nearly died twice. Twice brought back from the brink. 1 month of round the clock care, willing him to stay alive, yet wishing he would die so that I wouldn't have to make the call to euthanize. He will never get better. They will never get better. They are at their best right now.
I am used to, but still bad at, grieving. Extended grieving is so much worse. Coupled with everyone in my immediate circle having a hard time, and none of us have the emotional energy spare to prop each other up. We are all broke, paycheck-to-paycheck, or soon to be out of work. Working dead-end jobs to pay the bills. No one is advancing in their careers, if they are lucky enough to have a career. We are all just about hanging on. We are all tired.
I am thankful. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. I have family and friends that I can rely on. I can afford to go out and buy more food tomorrow.
I swear that I am still here, just hanging out in the shadows. I heard about a study that found that people who blog about their weight loss and not weight gain lost more weight overall than those who blogged about both or just weight gain. So from now on, I'm only blogging about the good. I need all the help I can get!