Thursday, April 25, 2013
Ok trying again but every time I type a sentence, I start getting angry again. Writing is so therapeutic for me. So when I'm in the middle of getting my thoughts out and everything is flowing and then I lose it before I'm done, I feel like I could murder a whole city. And it happens a lot to me actually. On this stupid iPad, which is all i have at work, if you open a different tab and then go back, it refreshes and everything is gone. Like it never was. I know this. I've learned this lesson before and quit trying to blog on sp from here or copied everything as I went so it wouldn't get lost bit it's been so long that I totally forgot. So I wrote this huge long thing, and poof it's gone. But now I have no closure or something... I just feel this emptiness or something so I have to redo it. Dang it!! Still so fired up about it.
Ok so back to the beginning.
I've been off track. Again. I don't know what my problem is. Something really annoying about me is that I really like things to be black or white. Obviously life is not black and white but I try to make it that way as much as possible. I think it's a mild form of OCD. It's like this whole all or nothing thing I do in every part of my life. I'm always driving myself crazy trying to figure out the best way to do things. And the weird thing is, I'm not a type A personality. That's probably hard to believe reading this. But in general, I'm pretty flexible and easy going. I'm not a planner. I just go with things. But then there's certain things I obsess over and food has always been one of them. I want the best way to lose weight and I get so confused about it. I know it comes down to what works for me but I honestly don't know what that is because nothing is working!!
My husband thinks that the juicing kick I got on to is what has messed me up but I'm not ready to admit that. It's definitely contributed to my all or nothing mindset but I was already floundering before I got onto the juicing thing. That's how I ended up there. And plus, I fully believe in the benefits and reasons for juice fasting. And in my mind, it's the ultimate way to kick start the healthy lifestyle that I want. I can get rid of the toxins in my body, kick the cravings, lose a bunch of weight and then transition slowly into how I want to eat. Which would be like plant based, whole foods but everything in moderation. I think if I was actually at a decent weight, I could eat appropriately enough to maintain weight. It's the restriction that comes with trying to lose weight that makes me feel deprived and spiral out of control.
And also, I'm impatient. I've been obese for over a decade. I've FINALLY lost some weight and I'm STILL obese. It's maddening! And I really wanted this to be MY summer. I set a goal for my 30th birthday but I couldn't make that happen so I pushed it back to the summer and its still not happening. Even though I want it so bad, I just can't make myself stay on track!
Any little thing knocks me off. I end up on a binge and it takes me forever to fight my way out of it. Which gets me nowhere obviously. I want to juice because I want to break the cycle but the extreme ness of juicing perpetuates the cycle. I also really want to be thinner for my trip home to PA this summer. I lose weight so ridiculously slowly. I know juicing would speed it up. And I know that goes against just about every weight loss manifesto there is. But I'm so impatient. And I know this is so stupid, but I want to be thinner when I go home. My moms been telling everyone how I've lost. And I have lost. But I'm afraid that when they see me in person, and I'm still fat, it's going to be a let down. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks but I do. I always have. There's people there who want me to be a failure at life and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of having anything negative to say. I know I'm not a failure. And I know it's stupid to care what they thinks. They are horrible people. But that's how I feel. I want to shut up the haters. But not enough to stay on track apparently!
I think I'm hoping that writing this is going to help me figure out what my plan is but it's not. I don't know what my plan is going to be!! There's the timing of the trip to take into consideration. When I'm there I want to have a bit of freedom to eat some of the foods from home I've missed but I don't want to be on an eating bender the whole time I'm there. So there's no sense juicing and then going cuz if I just jump into bad foods, the juicing is all in vain. I need to transition out of it slowly. I don't even know if that's possible for me. Everything seems so easy till I'm actually doing it and I lose my mind and give in to temptations. Man!!
Plus work throws me off to. Summer break starts may 17th which is also our anniversary. What can I do till then that won't make me go crazy while I'm working. And then what will I do from that point till we go back to PA? We don't have firm plans to go. I mean as far as when. I was thinking to go over my daughters birthday which is June 8th but I could push it back to July if I needed to.
How can I juice without quitting?? I think it's the best idea in the world until I start doing it and then I talk myself out of it so easily.
And I miss working out. I'm either too tired from detoxing / eating fewer calories or too tired from eating like crap. That's the cycle I've been in. For months. I know I've got to just find some discipline somehow and stop letting every little thing throw me off track! I miss running. I felt the best when I was running. I keep telling myself I'll get back to it as soon as I'm in a healthy routine and my energy returns but I never get there.
Well I don't know. I still don't know what I'm gonna do and I'm sick of writing now. Blah.