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I don't even know

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ok trying again but every time I type a sentence, I start getting angry again. Writing is so therapeutic for me. So when I'm in the middle of getting my thoughts out and everything is flowing and then I lose it before I'm done, I feel like I could murder a whole city. And it happens a lot to me actually. On this stupid iPad, which is all i have at work, if you open a different tab and then go back, it refreshes and everything is gone. Like it never was. I know this. I've learned this lesson before and quit trying to blog on sp from here or copied everything as I went so it wouldn't get lost bit it's been so long that I totally forgot. So I wrote this huge long thing, and poof it's gone. But now I have no closure or something... I just feel this emptiness or something so I have to redo it. Dang it!! Still so fired up about it.

Ok so back to the beginning.

I've been off track. Again. I don't know what my problem is. Something really annoying about me is that I really like things to be black or white. Obviously life is not black and white but I try to make it that way as much as possible. I think it's a mild form of OCD. It's like this whole all or nothing thing I do in every part of my life. I'm always driving myself crazy trying to figure out the best way to do things. And the weird thing is, I'm not a type A personality. That's probably hard to believe reading this. But in general, I'm pretty flexible and easy going. I'm not a planner. I just go with things. But then there's certain things I obsess over and food has always been one of them. I want the best way to lose weight and I get so confused about it. I know it comes down to what works for me but I honestly don't know what that is because nothing is working!!

My husband thinks that the juicing kick I got on to is what has messed me up but I'm not ready to admit that. It's definitely contributed to my all or nothing mindset but I was already floundering before I got onto the juicing thing. That's how I ended up there. And plus, I fully believe in the benefits and reasons for juice fasting. And in my mind, it's the ultimate way to kick start the healthy lifestyle that I want. I can get rid of the toxins in my body, kick the cravings, lose a bunch of weight and then transition slowly into how I want to eat. Which would be like plant based, whole foods but everything in moderation. I think if I was actually at a decent weight, I could eat appropriately enough to maintain weight. It's the restriction that comes with trying to lose weight that makes me feel deprived and spiral out of control.

And also, I'm impatient. I've been obese for over a decade. I've FINALLY lost some weight and I'm STILL obese. It's maddening! And I really wanted this to be MY summer. I set a goal for my 30th birthday but I couldn't make that happen so I pushed it back to the summer and its still not happening. Even though I want it so bad, I just can't make myself stay on track!

Any little thing knocks me off. I end up on a binge and it takes me forever to fight my way out of it. Which gets me nowhere obviously. I want to juice because I want to break the cycle but the extreme ness of juicing perpetuates the cycle. I also really want to be thinner for my trip home to PA this summer. I lose weight so ridiculously slowly. I know juicing would speed it up. And I know that goes against just about every weight loss manifesto there is. But I'm so impatient. And I know this is so stupid, but I want to be thinner when I go home. My moms been telling everyone how I've lost. And I have lost. But I'm afraid that when they see me in person, and I'm still fat, it's going to be a let down. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks but I do. I always have. There's people there who want me to be a failure at life and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of having anything negative to say. I know I'm not a failure. And I know it's stupid to care what they thinks. They are horrible people. But that's how I feel. I want to shut up the haters. But not enough to stay on track apparently!

I think I'm hoping that writing this is going to help me figure out what my plan is but it's not. I don't know what my plan is going to be!! There's the timing of the trip to take into consideration. When I'm there I want to have a bit of freedom to eat some of the foods from home I've missed but I don't want to be on an eating bender the whole time I'm there. So there's no sense juicing and then going cuz if I just jump into bad foods, the juicing is all in vain. I need to transition out of it slowly. I don't even know if that's possible for me. Everything seems so easy till I'm actually doing it and I lose my mind and give in to temptations. Man!!

Plus work throws me off to. Summer break starts may 17th which is also our anniversary. What can I do till then that won't make me go crazy while I'm working. And then what will I do from that point till we go back to PA? We don't have firm plans to go. I mean as far as when. I was thinking to go over my daughters birthday which is June 8th but I could push it back to July if I needed to.

How can I juice without quitting?? I think it's the best idea in the world until I start doing it and then I talk myself out of it so easily.

And I miss working out. I'm either too tired from detoxing / eating fewer calories or too tired from eating like crap. That's the cycle I've been in. For months. I know I've got to just find some discipline somehow and stop letting every little thing throw me off track! I miss running. I felt the best when I was running. I keep telling myself I'll get back to it as soon as I'm in a healthy routine and my energy returns but I never get there.

Well I don't know. I still don't know what I'm gonna do and I'm sick of writing now. Blah.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm with you girl but let's support one another and push thru this. I'm not ready to pout back on the few lbs I have lost and my mind is not set right for beating this.

    We can do it though!
    1762 days ago
    emoticon I concentrate on losing one pound and being excited about that pound. And then before I know it I lose another pound and start believing in myself and believing that I can do it.

    If I make a mistake I dont think about it tomuch and just get back on my journey and concentrate on losing another pound.

    Dont think about what difficult times are coming. If you took steps today to lose a pound and feed your body with real food, that is a fantastic day and it will always be a fantastic day!

    1763 days ago
    Since you just read my blog, you know, I can completely relate to EVERYTHING you're feeling, emoticon I've been cleaning up my diet since watching Hungry for Change in December. I've been eating whole foods, juicing, following a "detox" (for life) food plan, but I've still found myself dealing with serious carb cravings and sabotaging weeks worth of hard work in just a couple of days of bad choices.

    One of the experts in Hungry for Change compared sugar addition to Heroin addition. We're not going to be able to click our heels together and make it go away. I've been reading the book IT STARTS WITH FOOD, from the creators of the Whole30 plan, I should be done in a couple of days and if you want to borrow it, I'll send it to you. I'm only up to chapter 5 and i feel like they're talking directly to me and more importantly they understand what's going on with me and are helping me understand WHY I've been struggling so much. One of my favorite quotes so far, is "The food you eat either makes you more healthy or less healthy. Those are your options."

    A friend commented on my blog, that she'd get BORED eating just meat, vegetables, and fruit, which made me laugh, because that's EXACTLY why I'm doing this, because for me food has STRONG emotional attachments and has been about entertainment, pleasure, love, friendship, etc. EVERYTHING except what it's suppose to be, a source of nourishment that will make me healthier.

    Personally I like juicing, and believe it provides a power punch of nutrients; but I think it should be done in conjunction with eating whole foods. I'm happiest when I make a juice in the morning and drink it for lunch. A meal that I'd normally grab something "fast" which usually means, not very nutritious.

    Whatever you decide to do Nikki, I think it's important that you know you're not alone. Give yourself a break from focusing so much of your effort on weight loss, and try focusing on health. Eating for energy to get through your day and your run. I believe the weight loss will follow, once we both do that. We just can't give up on ourselves.
    emoticon emoticon
    1763 days ago
    Ugh dude that suckssss... I stopped sparking as much on my ipad because of that. Plus I do NOT know how you type that much. The ipad keyboard and I have never had much luck together. But seriously, the sinking awful feeling you get when you lose something you have spent time writing is soooooo not fun. I'm sorry!

    I could see the juicing leading to an all or nothing mentality. And beating yourself up if you have one slip. And then agonizing over it. And then oddly finding it easier to mess up again and start beating yourself up again in some vicious cycle.

    Honestly, I'm not a fan of cleanses. I know some people use them to "kickstart" but for me and my mental health, I can't. I need to work on building essential daily balance. I think learning to make better choices in real time will have more of a long term benefit. But that's just me! I also know I turn into a crazy monster when hungry and I just can't see 24/7 juice making me full.

    I can REALLY relate to your frustration with trying to ditch the obesity. I found myself wanting to cancel dinner with former coworkers because I knew in the past they had made comments about people's weight gain and I could not face being one of those conversations after I left. "Oh, she got a new job, look how much she's gained!" Isn't that sad? We let those people and thoughts take us over - Why?! It should be OUR journey, OUR goals, and OUR lives.

    I love what BLUEROSE said - just try to make today a little better than yesterday. I might adopt that myself. Anything to start fueling that positive fire, where you can build yourself up and watch yourself grow stronger and healthier without being involved in something that only enables you to tear yourself down?

    Anyways - you sound really frustrated and upset so I'm sending you a giant hug and a reminder that YOU are enough, just YOU. You have the power. Sometimes the going gets tough but guess what? You're going to push through it. Boom!

    1763 days ago
    I am doing a juice feast and I have messed up on it. However I am not starting over just because I screwed up once in a day. One of the other bloggers here suggested making a vegetable broth to drink, once in a while a vegetable will slip in. And to make a pudding out of chia seeds to eat. Her advice is helping me so much. I did use almond milk in my chia pudding and protein powder as I am low in protein per my labs. Those two suggestions have helped me greatly. I am if necessary going to allow myself to eat a piece of fruit or salad if needed. I figured these extras should be better than my usual diet and will allow me the strength to stick to it.

    1763 days ago
    I totally get where you're coming from--that overwhelming frustration where nothing seems to be working and you end up being your own worst enemy despite everything you're trying to do. Just know that you're not alone--nowhere near alone.

    Some ideas (just randomly putting some out there)
    *Begin your day by writing down your goals so you're freshly reminding yourself of them every day. Also if you're motivating yourself by wanting to be able to wear a particular piece of clothing, keep a pic of it in your wallet/on your phone/etc.
    *Use something visual to remind you of your goals throughout the day---a 'promise' bracelet to yourself, writing the initials of some slogan on the inside of your wrist (like i.h.c. for "I have control"), or ask a friend (or sparkbuddy) to ask you each night how you've been doing that day.
    *Bargain with yourself that you can juice during most of the day but have one 'real' meal---that way the moment you start eating you won't give up plus you can have dinner with your husband or a girls' night out or something so you don't isolate yourself
    *make sure you put protein powder in your juice so you're getting filled
    *keep a bag of freeby snacks (lettuce, celery, etc,) for when you need that crunch

    And just remember that as slow as it's going, however many times you restart...the only way you can get to your goal is by restarting and keep going. You got it :-)
    1763 days ago
    It seems like a post I could have written about 3 years ago... Just after I turned 30... But let's start at the beginning:

    About your blog frustration:
    Why don't you blog in a word document, and then copy and paste it in a blog only once it is complete. That way, you don't have to remember not to go to a different tab or to copy it and pate it somewhere etc.?

    The rest:
    You sound like me. I was obese from about the time I was around 21-22 until last year... I'm now at a normal BMI and I NEVER ever thought I'd get there... And I'm not sure how it happened all of a sudden after struggling for so long... But it did happen, and it started by losing a little weight, and then losing a little more... and getting back on track whenever I got off... and somehow over the course of about a year, I became overweight, and then I entered a normal BMI... Now I am struggling to get to a place where I remain in normal, instead of being right on the edge of overweight and popping in there for every special occasion and holiday!

    Anyways, I just wanted to say that apparently you just put one foot in front of the other, you continue and somehow in the end it works...

    You can do it!!
    1763 days ago
    It is so hard when you pour your heart out and suddenly it's all gone. I hate that. It happens to me too.

    As for your black and white mentality, I tend to have it too. Because I've been down this track in the past, I'm holding myself up to the person I was before I ran the marathon in San Francisco. Now I'm down to barely being able to run for a half an hour. But that doesn't matter. I did it once, I can do it again. I don't seem to get that it took me a long time to build up to where I was, and I need that time again.

    I personally avoid cleanses. I tried a few and constantly felt tired, irritable, or just plain weak. Now that I have so many food allergies, I need to watch everything I eat. So I just do that. I try to fuel my body as best I can. I try to get as many nutrients as I can in - grab darker greens for salad instead of iceburg lettuce if I've got a choice. Things like that. Substance over anything else. I LOVE avocados, and as long as I watch how much I have, I don't feel bad about adding them to my diet - they are high in calories and healthy fats.

    Maybe just try to be better than the person you were yesterday. Do one small thing more to reach your goal. Maybe that's drink one more glass of water than you did the day before. Maybe it's burn 100 calories more. Or focus on something in your nutrition - stay in a specific range, or adjust something else. Just one thing can help you fell successful. The more successful you feel, the more motivated you'll feel to help push you to do the next step. And the next step.
    1763 days ago
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