Thursday, April 25, 2013
My brother died. I am so full of emotions, it is sidelining me. I am so mad, mad at him. Mad at drugs. Mad at society. Just mad. He used to be such a special person until the drugs got a hold of him.
He was a year older than me. He was my only sibling. I looked up to him. It drove him crazy. His little sister wanted to do everything that he did. He got a job delivering papers, I got a job delivering papers. We both popped and sold popcorn with drinks at the local swimming pool. He got a job at the chintzy cafe down the road, I got a job there. His friends were my friends... this really drove him crazy, but I know he loved me. He protected me, sometimes too much.
But in high school he discovered drugs. I didn't follow him into this. After that, his life was defined by drugs. He went into the Marines and was dishonorably discharged due to drugs, just 3 months shy of his 4 years. He met and married a wonderful person, but ended up going into the bar business, going off the deep end, lost the business, and left her and 2 small children to do the bum's life. Most of the time, we didn't know where he was. He got some odd jobs in Alaska on fishing boats and watching over a hunting lodge, park, whatever it was. He hopped a boat to Hawaii and again worked odd jobs while living on the beach. He was planning to go the America Samoa but changed his mind and ended up back here.
That was about 5 years ago. It was not my brother who came back though. No longer was he a sweet kind brother. He was cruel and abrasive. I didn't even want him around, I have 2 children at home of my own. I miss the brother he was.
Anyway, I am back home. I have my Spark friends. I haven't even read my sparkmail from them yet. I was just too raw to handle it. I will do that when I get done here.
Now I am trying to get back to life. I didn't juice for the days I was back with my parents. I didn't eat in abandonment, but my mom doesn't do veggies, so it was far from what I normally eat. I thought I would come home and pick right up with it, but I couldn't get myself to do even one juice.
I am going to do veggie broth based soups for a while. I need the warmth and comfort of that before I even think of juicing again.
trying to stay strong, but feeling a bit slapped down.
thanks for listening to my ramblings.