Thursday, April 25, 2013
I am very hard on myself. If I make a mistake, I nag myself endlessly about it. If I get pictures, I find every detail about myself that isn't perfect. If I talk with people, I spend hours afterwards analyzing what I shouldn't have said and what I did say.
There is a lot of expectation that we are forced to maintain. We have to be a certain weight, a certain height. Our hair has to be perfect, we must be awake and alert, but not TOO hyper. We have to be smart, but not too smart; kind but not afraid to speak our minds. The contradictions are overwhelming and leads to us spending hours nitpicking and critiquing every part of ourselves.
My nose is rather long and wide. When I smile, there are so many teeth, it looks creepy. I've got belly fat. I am currently battling breakout on my face. I am too cautious when I drive. I don't speak up enough at work or at home.
These are things I'm always telling myself, always picking myself about. But the thing is, it's just my insecurity about myself creeping out.
No, I'm not perfect. But you know what - my nose looks rather good with my face and at least it's not hooked or broken. Without my nose, I wouldn't be able to smell, and I'm grateful to be able to smell the beautiful outdoors, the candles burning in my house, or a new dinner I made.
I have a lot of teeth in my mouth. But I have a nice smile. And I have teeth! I've always had those dreams about losing teeth, but I've never lost any. Teeth give me the chance to chew and enjoy food, to talk with a friend, or share an enthusiastic smile.
I have belly fat - but I am losing weight. It's not as bad as it was before. And I am actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle.
I am timid when driving - but I am learning to be more aggressive. Accidents happen, whether you are driving super carefully or driving normally. There is NOTHING you can do about it. You can't be afraid to drive just because of something in the past.
I don't speak up as much at work or home - but when I do, it means something. I usually have evidence to back me. And it's part of my personality. Maybe that's not always the best thing, but I am working harder to be more vocal about the important things. And those that aren't important aren't worth the change.
Through this period in my life, I'm learning to love myself, to embrace myself and all parts of myself. The nose. The teeth. The belly fat. The personality. The fears. The hopes. Everything. That is what makes me who I am. Maybe it would be nicer to be outgoing and have a perfect body like Kate Winslet, but that's not what I have. I have my body. I have my personality. And day by day, I'm learning that that is just what I want.