Iíve got a serious problem, but praise be to God itís not like I can fix it myself, lol, so Iíll just share it with you. I have always directly derived my worth and value by what I do, say, or accomplish. God has really been dealing with me about this, and it has been quite painful. As long as I can remember, I strived to do my best, to act my best, to ďbeĒ my best! Many can vouch I did not always act my best, lol, but I assure you if I wanted something I always worked hard, Iíd never give up until I got it. In first grade I can clearly remember thinking that if only I sat the stillest, acted better than all of the other kids, tried my very best on all of my papers, and really just perfected myself the teacher would notice.
It didnít take me long to realize that it worked! Soon I was dubbed ďteacherís petĒ and life became very exciting and meaningful to me. By Godís grace and infinite love, I excelled. Anything and everything I put my hand to blossomed. I donít say that to brag, lol, my God, I donít but only to help you understand how deeply entrenched in this ďperformance basedĒ programming I was so early in life. By high school, although I faced the birth of my first child, a severe depression that never seemed to lift and an opportunity to take eleventh and twelfth grades together, I didnít shy away from the challenge. I tore through my last year of high school, graduated with honors, dubbed eternally twelfth in my class with a pretty impressive GPA. Not bad, not too bad at all Iíd pat myself on the back all the while the performance based thinking was implanted deeper and deeper.
I knew that raising three children at twenty was going to be tough especially since I had made a solid decision to leave the childrenís father and do it alone. It would take me another three years to get on my feet before I could make sense of heads and tails but when I did I began once again to soar. A Joseph type story God now on the workplace would promote me over and over and over again. Within a very short amount of time once again I was back on top, soaring through life on my accomplishments. Then I met John.
John is my husband. I waited ten, long, hard years as a single mother for my husband, and by far, God has given me the best. Itís worth the wait ladies, trust me. I had no idea God was going to rock my life so hard by introducing him though. Well, let me explain. Up until I met John over six years ago now, I had been operating in this hard core legalistic, performance based mentality. I was very, very good at it so like I said, I just went with it. (Sort of like a natural bend) I had always imagined getting married and what it would behold for my small, broken family. For one, there would be lots of money. I mean after all, I knew my earning power, a little simple math, wa lah, instant high class living here I come. BLAH, LOL, I suppose thatís the biggest lesson Iíve learned so far. God, my dear friends, has plans too.
Secondly, I thought that I would just continue climbing the corporate ladder and at this moment in time while Iím writing you, Iíd be off on a jet somewhere taking care of business. Again, thatís funny. God has plans too. Oh, I knew nothing of ďGodís plansĒ, I mean after all he had always given me great success at anything I put my hands too so why would this be any different? I have found it has been quite different, and he has been diligently trying to get my attention in a crucial area of my life, maybe it is for you too. He has been trying to teach me that my worth and value has nothing to do with me at all. Instead it has everything to do with him.
I have grown in the last six years, I have, but it has not been without bitter tears and yelling and screaming at this one I call Friend. I do not know why God allows you to be so conditioned in an area of your life and you imagine that youíve gotten all things pertaining to it figured out, just to be rerouted in a completely different direction, but thatís what heís done. I donít understand it fully yet, I donít get his ways all the time, but I am learning to trust. I trust that he knows more than I do, I believe he is good, and that he is the giver of all good things.
One day, a couple of years ago, God asked me a very serious question in my heart. He said, if someone was bound to a wheelchair, could not speak, could only be cared for continuously would that person have less worth and value than an able bodied man who works hard to provide for his large family? I said, no, Lord, of course not! He said why then do you place so much emphasis on what you do? LOOK AT ME, I am the author and finisher of your faith. Rach, he said, Itís all about me! All righteousness you possess, all knowledge, even the power for you to obtain wealth. It all belongs to and flows through me. I just nodded, I knew he was right. I am still learning. I think it is easier for some of us. Maybe we were raised with so much love and hope that we just know itís not us. We just know our value is in Him. Raised in an often times hostile environment surrounded by dark and evil things, I just never got it early on. I am however now beginning to see.
Whatever I build my worth and value on, I will have to continue acting that way to keep it. For example, if someone doesnít like me, and I like them, and I want them to like me so bad, I will do anything, even change the way I act in front of that person, then I will have to keep up that faÁade forever. The relationship was built on it, so it must remain like that to survive. Now enter God. He is perfect, loving, wonderful and true. I go to him as myself, all of my uglies and insecurities, I lie before him naked and unashamed, I draw boldly to the cross knowing Iím minced meat without him. Yeno what? I think God loves that! He loves when we are vulnerable, broken, honest. He knows everything about us anyway! Why not?
So yeah, I donít like that I am still so performance based driven, but I am encouraged. This is because I will never stop digging out the truths that surround my little issue. I know that if I keep pressing into Jesus, he will keep fixing me, like in a mirror; I will continue to behold his glory more and more and more. Dear friends, how, how, HOW can we ever lose? Truly I say to you this morning, if God be for us, who then can stand against us? The answer is no one, not even ourselves!
Have a wonderful day in Jesus! He loves us so!
Pic Ref: http://www.photoshopstar.com/g