Thursday, April 25, 2013
I have to finally admit it. I'm scared. It's a huge part of what's holding me back from loosing this weight.
I'm scared to go to the gym. I'm scared of being laughed at. It's so out of my comfort zone. I know it will benefit me, but I haven't been able to work past this yet.
I'm scared of actually loosing the weight. I gained it for a reason. It's my security blanket. It kept attention away from me. It would push people away. It pushed both positive and negative attention away. No one would look at me twice, so they would just leave me alone.
I needed this security growing up. But I don't need it anymore. I can take care of myself.
It may sound silly, but I barely believe that right now. Loosing my job recently has knocked my foundation out from under me. I've been questioning myself. Can I really take care of myself? Why can't I hold a job? I really did like this one. My problem with the jobs have been the social interaction. I really get to hate some people at my work. I can't even work with them anymore. And when you are working in a company where who you know or who you blow is big, you get on the wrong side of someones niece, and you are as good as out the door.
I don't take instruction well either, especially when the person giving it has shown me they really don't know what they are doing. I really need to work through this one, or I'll never be able to keep a job.
Anyhow, this whole job situation has lead me to start to wonder if I really am strong enough to take care of myself. But the reality is I don't need to do it alone. Hubby wants to help. So if I can find a way to accept this help I can focus on changing what I need to physically to regain my health.
I've lost the weight before. It was tough, but I was able to do it. Yes, it brought on a whole pile of attention. Both good and bad. Mostly good, as I had surrounded myself with good people at that time.
Life changed. I lost my sense of security. I was in an abusive relationship for a while. I didn't even know it was until I got away. I had so little control over the things in my life around me, so I curled back up in my security blanket.
Things are better now. Hubby really cares about me. Yes, we have our issues, but we are working through them. In all honesty, I can see us staying together. It's not just wishful thinking. He wants me to stay, and I do too. Our issues are small things that as long as we keep talking, we can get through.
So in life, I'm going to be okay. And in all honesty, if I shed this security blanket I will still be safe. Yes, this town is full of creeps. I have not been able to connect with others and make any real friends. I know this is a weakness of mine. I'm sure someday I'll be able to make a friend or two here, but right now it is so hard.
Wow. It's no wonder I'm so scared these days. I need to find my strength. My rock. Something to hang onto until I can hang onto myself.
I would say Lee could be my rock, but he's not at all supportive of my weight loss. I think it scares him too. That some of the attention I will draw will pull me away from him. It won't, but it's hard to explain that to him. But if I let him be my rock for safety externally, I can work on my ability to keep myself safe internally. I know I can keep me safe. I don't need to even pay any attention to the unwanted attention. It is more about the person giving it. The person gawking. Drooling. That really has nothing to do with me.
I understand why I put the weight on originally. I understand why I put it back on after all that hard work to loose it. Now to work on believing in myself again. Believing I deserve to loose it. To be able to drop my security blanket. To stand strong without it.