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    WILDXANGELS   11,839
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THE ADDICT

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CLEAN....
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it, I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be. I know you must wonder how I can learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life-style of self-hatred and self-destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look like and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me falls prey to my addiction giving the addiction more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking me from it.
I know you love me and you only want what’s best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best causing you to act out of fear and from your emotions.
Please for my sake let me go and move out of the way. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLIEC 4/25/2013 4:53PM

    I had a good friend who was very much an alcoholic. I prayed that God would bring him to where he had to give it up. I told him that. Pretty soon he got a DUI and was mandated to have treatment by the court. He said that he had to make it work. He has now been dry for about 26 years!

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LALMEIDA 4/25/2013 3:09PM

  emoticon

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FUTUREYUPPIE 4/25/2013 2:05PM

    Great post. I've had problems with alcoholism and this post really hits home. It's a real struggle and sometimes family and friends can make the situation worse even though they have good intentions. Best of luck with your road to recovery.

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IMJETTA8 4/25/2013 10:34AM

    This in lots of ways sound like me. But my parents are dead and still control my life from the grave. I am still trying to stuff it with food. I am going through it to prove that I am clean, good enough, worthy enough and not a piece of sh!t. Thank you for this blog, I needed this, sending you lots of love an understading. Jetta

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SCARLETT_21 4/25/2013 9:50AM

    Beautifully written and deeply true ! emoticon emoticon

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PEZMOM1 4/25/2013 9:46AM

    emoticon

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GAILRUU 4/25/2013 8:56AM

    I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I certainly am to food. Good luck to you and anyone who is addicted.

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1CRAZYDOG 4/25/2013 8:03AM

  This is such a raw, honest blog and says it the best I've ever heard it put. The bottomline is that "getting clean" has to start with YOU and that's it.

Jut know you're not alone and we're here for you. Don't give up!

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BUSYGRANNY5 4/25/2013 7:56AM

    Thanks for sharing this, it touched my heart!

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PATTYKLAVER 4/25/2013 7:29AM

    You have admitted it to yourself and to others. That's a huge thing. I think you're close to
hitting bottom. It won't be so hard. You can do it and we will be there to help pull you up.

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9CATMAN9 4/25/2013 3:20AM

    You must know someone cares before the addiction is replaced with love and caring. The love can come from others but more imoortantly it must come from the deepest depth of your own soul. For me it was a conscious decision with Gods help. Unfortunately sometimes you do have to fall down before you can get up.But you've made the biggest step by admitting it. All of our support is what you can use to lean on.And although you will fail many times before you "get it right" ...once you find you ddon't need it you can replace it with love and support. Talk it out withus here or anyone...the more you get it out...the sooner youl know that you can live without it. Unfortunately I know what I speak of...but now...I made a promise to myself that I will never break. Bless you for being so open. Peace, Scott emoticon

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9CATMAN9 4/25/2013 3:18AM

    You must know someone cares before the addiction is replaced with love and caring. The love can come from others but more imoortantly it must come from the deepest depth of your own soul. For me it was a conscious decision with Gods help. Unfortunately sometimes you do have to fall down before you can get up.But you've made the biggest step by admitting it. All of our support is what you can use to lean on.And although you will fail many times before you "get it right" ...once you find you ddon't need it you can replace it with love and support. Talk it out withus here or anyone...the more you get it out...the sooner youl know that you can live without it. Unfortunately I know what I speak of...but now...I made a promise to myself that I will never break. Bless you for being so open. Peace, Scott emoticon

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CHALLENGEME4 4/25/2013 12:04AM

    we have the addiction that we must use everyday to survive....that's what makes it much more difficult....one day at a time....it works if you work it
emoticon emoticon

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NASFKAB 4/24/2013 10:41PM

  so true

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FRAN0426 4/24/2013 8:36PM

    Right you are for any type of addiction. We get by one day at a time.

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TRYNAGAIN194 4/24/2013 7:42PM

    so very true

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WOUBBIE 4/24/2013 7:30PM

    Brave and wise.

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SELENAPEPPERS 4/24/2013 6:35PM

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I love that, so true. emoticon

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THOMS1 4/24/2013 6:03PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KITT52 4/24/2013 5:32PM

    emoticon

I know just how you feel.....I pray you and all of us addicts.....we can do it one step at a time..

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