Scale went down .6 today.
I am 5lbs away from the next goal, and reaching another number decade. A number that I haven't seen seen since I think 17 years ago. My mom remembers the number because we were looking for a dress for a family wedding.
Though this is great- try to explain to my brain that, that was the past? That this number now represents success and overcoming adversity? That I am not the same scared young woman but instead a mature, centered confident one? But how confident am I really? A number on a measuring device brings such fear. I am trying to remember what happened around that time in my life. I know I wasn't happy - It was a couple of years after my work injury, a major surgery and a bad reaction to the meds. I remember feeling like I wasn't worth much because of the workers comp situation, and not being able to do a job that I loved so much. And fog - everything all my memories from then are foggy due to the meds I was on. I remember looking myself in the mirror and not recognizing the reflection. Not because of the weight.. but the lifeless eyes. My eyes are one of my best features and they are shiny! And what I remember from those days is a person who just gave up.
People around me supported that, by statements: Oh poor ven, I can't believe this happened to you. Now you are a cripple. What will you do with your life.
In the grand scheme of things, my injury was NOTHING. I am not taking away the pain, suffering, and mind games a workers comp situation can bring. Lets top it off with other medical issues and you have a perfect storm. But no one around me at that time knew how to see the silver lining. Things happen and life goes on. I lived so many years in the day of the incident I missed the present, which in turn gave me no future.
I was able to get over that, and I am here now. So why does the darn number on the scale bring back that person? I spent all morning talking to my self reassuring me that I am at a much better place. I know better so now I can do better - and I am!
Also the other creeping thought is, that my Juice fast is done in 13 days. Will I be able to be good and kind to myself as I have these 47 days? Will I be able to put myself first? Or will I be that post injury woman who just stuffed the pain away?
When I get like this, life stands still but time goes fast. So by the time I realized that my mind was reeling with these thoughts- it's already 1pm and I have not done anything from my list. I try not to get upset with this, but I have such high expectations of myself that this translates as failure :(
Alright so that is all out now.
Here is the plan of action:
1) Tap away ... this is a must
2) Be kind to myself - take a long bath
3) juice!!! and lots of it
4) work on painting
5) blog some more if the thoughts are still lingering
This is the first time in my juicing that I actually felt a drastic shift in emotions. Since I like investigating things to figure out how my body/mind connection works I am searching for reasons. It could be the end of the monthly cycle and ovulation that will occur in 4 days - so a drastic change in hormones. The fact that I can't feed my fears and I just have to face them is also a big one. According to H'oponopono you need to take care of the child within us to overcome fears of the past. So I should take some time to Honor little Ven and make her feel safe.
What I want out of this process is to move through these feelings and not let them win. *sigh*
I feel really bad rambling about these feelings when I am having so much success all around. But I don't want to keep them in either.