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    IAMAGEMLOVER   145,542
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Sidelined from exercise--waving the white flag.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I was suppose to go and see my son last night. Gary called me on Monday night to say that he didn't want to go. I was PO"d to say the least as he said that we would go. I realize that it is a long drive out there, even longer for him. I know when I pick my Mom up it is 170 miles round trip. However, he did say that he would take me and I was really looking forward to getting some answers and seeing my son. I did tell him that I was very disappointed.

He called yesterday morning to say that he would take me if his day went as planned. Right now he is flipping about 6 cars and is very busy getting them ready. He has 2 on ebay right now. I think he is finding out that Joy did contribute to the household and it wasn't all him, though she did spend spend spend.

Easter Sunday I was with my family. My face started going numb, like I was given novacane. I didn't say anything to anyone because we were having such a good time. On the way home while driving, my vision started getting blurry. This is nothing new, for months now I have been saying I have to have my eyes examined. I can't find a Dr. that takes medicaid. My Mom has been after me and I just keep saying yeah, I will. If it is not happening, I don't think of it. Anyway, I digress, by the next morning it was basically gone. I thought no more of it. This past Saturday, it happened again. I looked it up on WEBMD and it said if I was having other symptoms it may be a stroke but I wasn't having the other symptoms. I hate going to the ER. I was just there a couple days earlier and waited for hours. I was then told to see my gynecologist. I don't have one. Within a couple days I have headache and my neck is stiff. My hands are tingling more than normal and my back is killing me. I am using a cane again because my knees give out when I am walking. What is going on? Now I am getting scared, too scared to go to the Dr.

Yesterday I did call Dr. B. and he had me go for an MRI. He just called me and I have pinched nerves in the neck, which is probably what is causing me face to be numb, feels like I just went to the dentist, and my hands and shoulders to tingle. My back has degenerated more since the last MRI and the right knee has always been bone against bone and now the left knee is bone against bone. I told him great, shoot me, if I were a horse they would shoot me. He told me to cease all exercising until I can see Dr. Froeb, not the PA, he wants me to see the Dr. They will then consult and decide on a course of action.

About the only thing he said I can continue to do is walk laps. However, I got out of bed this morning and nearly collapsed. I can't walk because my knee gives way. I am walking a little bit with the cane every half hour to see if it was from sleeping wrong or it I can loosen it up.

Gary got mad at me yesterday when I told him I couldn't go to see Paul because I didn't feel that I could sit in the car for that length of time. He just doesn't understand anything. Now he won't take me any other time because he said he told me he would take me Tuesday, I didn't want to go. I will just have to take the trip by myself or wait until my Mom can go again. I will write to Paul today and ask him what is the outcome of his throat and if he has done the biopsy or even if they are going to do it. I know he doesn't want me worrying so I just don't know if he will tell me the truth. I know in person when Paul is lying, his eyes give him away. I can't tell through letters, so I will never have real peace of mind until I see my son.

Emotionally right now I am in a spot where I just say what the f. I give up. I can't take this sh*t any longer. Paul, Gary, the pain, the pain is both physical and emotional. I am exercising, eating right for the most part and for what? Supposedly to live a healthy life, well, I am not living a healthy life. Unhealthy things are still happening. I may as well be eating cookies, ice cream and candy, and be happily miserable.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENCHRIS 5/1/2013 10:51PM

    sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. keep taking care of yourself... you WILL be better for it in the long run. emoticon emoticon

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MRS_TOAD 5/1/2013 8:56AM

    I'm so behind on reading your blogs and I am sorry. Hope you are feeling much better and the mystery has been solved. (Off to your next blog.)

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QUERIDAANA 5/1/2013 2:30AM

    Hi Bonnie. Not being able to exercise is hard. I hope that you can get back to your routine soon.

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TREATL 4/30/2013 1:20PM

    As an RN with 35 years of health care experience, I can say that the facial numbness, blurred vision, and headache you experienced last week are more likely to be related to mini-stroke (transient ischemic attack [T.I.A.]) than to cervical vertebral problems, which would be a likely cause for the tingling/numbness in your hands. I am not a physician, but my long history of health care experience informs the logic of my thinking.

Have you recently been given an MRI or CT (computerized tomography) scan of your head/brain? I think that exam would be essential to rule out any brain involvement with your symptoms. It would be helpful to know, in order to rule out that possibility.

I'm so glad you are keeping in close touch with us. I/we really want to be "there" for you. You really matter to us, and we really care about you!

Love and BIG HUGS,

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GABIBEAR 4/27/2013 12:45AM

    Oh Bonnie, I am so sorry that you are hurting. When you are hurting everything else is so magnified. I hope and pray that you are feeling better soon and back to your normal self. Adding unhealthy eating will not make you feel better, but rather and may even increase the problem and pain. Can you do any yoga or is that out too? If you can't do yoga, try deep breathing and meditation - that should put you in the right frame of mind. Let us know how you are doing!

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PALMETTOGIRL22 4/26/2013 9:46AM

    Sending good, healing thoughts your way along with prayers!
Know you are loved!!!

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LOVESLIFE48 4/26/2013 9:18AM

    Please don't go back to bad eating habits. You will feel WORSE!!!! I'm so, so sorry you are going through all this pain. I hope Paul has some good news for you!!
Remember, I'm here for you anytime!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


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SPARKFRAN514 4/25/2013 10:39PM

    emoticon emoticon you are having so many problems sending emoticon emoticon your way and take care of yourself emoticon

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STHAX10 4/25/2013 8:02PM

    You have to appreciate what you have. Don't dwell on what you don't have or cannot control. Instead of thinking, "what is going to happen next?", think about how this is going to make you stronger, you will get through it.

I am 42 years old. I had back surgery in 2009. I weighed 224 pounds. I am now under 160. I have had surgery every year since on one thing or another. I count my blessings. I have had to go to counseling to deal with depression, anxiety and family issues. I am on Social Security and Medicare. I am now working part time for the first time in over 3 years. I am rebuilding myself.

I am at my best weight in 10 years. I can ride a mountain bike, I walk a 5k. I can do so many things. No, I cannot do what I use to, but I can do more than I could a year ago.

I have had neck and shoulder pain that needs addressed, I am just hoping for a year with no surgery. But things do get better.

If I can do it, you can too. Look at your glass half full instead of half empty and NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. emoticon

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SENATOR9 4/25/2013 3:38PM

    Take care of yourself

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LKWQUILTER 4/25/2013 6:27AM

    Caz sent me to you too Bonnie and my computer was crazy yesterday so couldn't get to you (yahoo wasn't working right). Praying that you will be feeling better and I know personally that stress seems to make everything hurt more and worse. (((HUGS)))

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NIKONDEMON 4/24/2013 11:12PM

    I agree with everyone else. Take care of you first. Things will fall into place afterwards. You've worked so hard already. Lots of virtual hugs are going your way. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JENNYD97 4/24/2013 10:40PM

    I am sure your stresses of life are not helping either. Good luck with the Doctor. Stay on track the best you can :)

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DEE107 4/24/2013 10:26PM

    hugs and praying

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L*I*T*A* 4/24/2013 10:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MOTLEM 4/24/2013 9:30PM

    Thinking of you at this time. Remember that there are always so many Sparkies here to give you support in your time of need.

Sending so much love and light your way today and always!!

Thanks Caz for sending email to let me know that Bonnie needs my support as I am HERE!!

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BEST_LIFE_NOW 4/24/2013 9:00PM

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CMFARRELL36 4/24/2013 7:49PM

    I am so sorry to hear how low you are.
I can identify with the problems re men folk. I had a huge argument with hubby last night, and he was extremely rude - to me, and about my life-style. I will say this was our first argument in 3 or 4 weeks - but he always becomes very unpleasant, where I try to bite my tongue even though (or maybe, especially because) I so want to let rip.
And my hubby likewise doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling - most of the time he doesn't seem to understand. Whereas, he gives his mother all the leeway possible. Yes, she is very incapacitated and unable. And yes, hubby shares some of his frustration with her, with me. But as far as she is aware, my hubby is a huge help to me about the house, and I sometimes have very little to do - the total opposite of the truth.
Sorry - maybe I should have blogged, back at you!

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

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PATRICIAANN46 4/24/2013 7:43PM

  Hi Bonnie.........
As many others have advised.........Take care of YOU, NOW!!! You can't make sound decisions the way that you are feeling right now. You need to find out exactly what the Dr. wants you to do and then do it. If you have any other family members or friends that can take over on providing you with help in whatever area needs the most attention, ask them for this help. You need to concentrate on getting you as healthy as possible before you can even think of helping anyone else. Sometimes we have to help ourselves first...........unfortunately, for women, that is difficult.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. When you begin to feel stronger again, you will be very happy that you chose the healthy track.


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SHAWFAN 4/24/2013 6:59PM

    I'm sorry to hear of your pain, both emotionally and physically, and I wish you better times ahead. Don't give up. Keep eating healthy and do what you can. Your spark friends are here for you. Never give up. emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 4/24/2013 6:52PM

    Ohh Bonnie, I so feel for you my lovely friend .. I also agree with Caz .
She is right love.
You need to continue to eat well and look after yourself.
I am so glad you saw your doctor and had the MRI . Now you know what is going on and can address it ..
Not knowing causes even more stress.
Try to relax Darling .
Anxiety also tenses up your muscles and will cause even more pain ..
Know that I am thinking of you and sending love and healing Vibes ..
Trying to travel now will not be a good idea. You need to rest and relax .. Talk to Paul on the phone, or better still Skype him .. Then you can see him xx
Much love darling xx Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ONEKIDSMOM 4/24/2013 6:51PM

    Hang in there... I'm another CAZ-referred Sparkler! I write myself a pep talk just about every morning and one of my favorites is to remind myself that the cookie or candy bar won't make things better in the long run (they don't make me happily miserable even!)

So know you're not alone. Life is not always easy. Those around us don't always understand. But YOU are worth taking care of and that includes proper nourishment despite the sideline from exercise. Gentle, virtual hugs!

- Barb

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KSIGMA1222 4/24/2013 6:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUSTYNA7 4/24/2013 6:37PM

    As the serenity prayer says, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things that I can. I have a pinched nerve and my chiropractor gave me a neck roll to lie on to try and change the curvature of my neck to decrease the symptoms. It seems to be helping as I'm no longer wearing a sling for my arm but I do sometimes get face and chest tingling. Sometimes muscle swelling puts pressure on nerves, so take anti-inflamatories, rest, and put ice on for ten minutes at a time. My doctor is a firm believer that Omegas help healing (salmon oil capsules for me).

I can't change or help my kids, just love them. They have to go through what they are going through. It is time for me to worry about me. When they ask I have to learn to say no and stick to my plan to look after myself. I am no good to anyone when my neck acts up. Eating junk food does NOT help. It makes me feel terrible about myself. Sounds like you need looking after and from the looks of all these spark responses you have a lot of people who care about you. Hang in there. Justyna In Richmond Ontario Canada

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ALEXSGIRL1 4/24/2013 6:31PM

    you have an awesome friend in caz you need to listen to her. she is right we are here for you. and it is tempting to eat lousy but you have to give your body good nurisement to fight the good fight. you have to make yourself as strong as you can and the way to do that is to eat good ,plus you have to be as well as you can for your son. i hope if we all pray together your burdens will lighten emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CTUPTON 4/24/2013 6:06PM

    Bonnie, This really sucks! We are all wishing you well. Can you call the doctor and get your appointment moved up? Oh---- I just had a thought! I learned to use the ambulance to go to the hospital! Once I goofed after a car accident. I had had a seizure and totaled my car. I said no I will go to my own doctor. Big mistake. It took me months to get a specialist to look at me. If I had gone to the emergency room, it would have happened that very day. Is there any way you can justify using the ambulance. From what you are saying, I would worry about a spinal problem! Chris

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1CRAZYDOG 4/24/2013 5:46PM

    Oh Bonnie. There just are no words . . . just ((((HUGS)))) You do need to take care of you, and I hope you don't stop doing that. Only makes things worse, but you know that already.

HUGS my dear, and as CAZ says, we're your Spark Family and we're here for you. Always.

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PEZMOM1 4/24/2013 4:11PM


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MONAKIN314 4/24/2013 2:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IAM_HIS 4/24/2013 2:33PM

    Oh, how frustrating, irrigating and how fast life can throw use a fast ball! I can feel your pain and I have experienced people not understanding, getting upset and feelings of life really stinks!

First of all, I am so very proud of you for taking care of you. You told Gary and Paul that you value YOU. That is very important!!

Now you need to not only feed you body healthy food but your thoughts too. One of the easiest things I can do is to get into stinking thinking because I am alone with me too much, a small thing can become the size of the Alps in my mind when I keep obsessing over it.

So come on and start visiting your Spark friends--we're here to support, encourage and love you. You are NOT alone, You are VALUE AND LOVED.

No, you are not a are a wonderful person who happens to have no control over her children's lives and a mom who needs to handle her health issue right now. You are facing things that many, many moms are facing and have dealt with.


So come on, let us help you in your coping with life right now.

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ANNEMAC5 4/24/2013 2:09PM

    Caz directed me to your page, hang on in there and do the best you can. Hope you are feeling a little better emoticon

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MAMAOWLS 4/24/2013 2:02PM

    Sorry to hear that things are so bad for you right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please stay with the healthy eating. I went on a binge a couple of weeks ago eating just about everything I shouldn't. I was physically ill from it and it was over a week before I started feeling normal again. Besides if you give in to the junk food and not being able to exercise you'll start gaining weight and you really don't need that with all the other problems you have going on right now.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you get some relief soon. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1STARVINGARTIST 4/24/2013 2:01PM

    Sorry that your are having such a rough time, but please don't give up on yourself. Do what is good for you and be good to yourself. It is still worth it in the long run. My prayers are with you.
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FALLENSHORT 4/24/2013 1:36PM

    Caz introduced you to me, too, and all I can say is I have times like that, too. I go through depressions sometimes the only thing I can do is wait it out. You're in my prayers and I hope your son has good news for you.

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ROCKYCPA 4/24/2013 1:06PM

    Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better!

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HILLRUNNER 4/24/2013 12:53PM

    I'm stopping by your page because of CAZ.
I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through and pray for relief.
It's good that you voiced what is going on so you can have lots of virtual hugs as you deal with it.
One thing at a day at a time. Unhealthy food won't fix any of this and I am sure you know that.
Keeping you in prayer and hug mode!! emoticon

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JSALERNO 4/24/2013 12:46PM


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MEXGAL1 4/24/2013 12:41PM

    Thoughts and prayers for you. I too am in the mode of "what the F...." Long story.
take care

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NANCYPAT1 4/24/2013 12:32PM

    Prayers going out for you. I will also pray that the heart of your son will soften and that you will be able to work something out soon.

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WALLAHALLA 4/24/2013 12:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DRAVENFYR 4/24/2013 12:20PM

    Ok it is....take it good to you try self and stay isnt how much you do but that it gets done.......walk but take it easy......we all love you and we are here for you

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GERIKRAGH 4/24/2013 12:19PM

    Please take care of yourself. Don't let things go too long.

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WORKNPROGRESS49 4/24/2013 12:15PM

    Sending thoughts/prayers emoticon emoticon along with GREAT BIG virtual emoticon

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GABY1948 4/24/2013 12:13PM

    Hi, Bonnie, CAZ introduced me to you this morning and told me I needed to come and read your blog! Nice to meet you!

I can tell from reading your blog you are going through a REALLY rough time right now. I have been there, done that! But you already know, they don't last forever and eating all sorts of junk/bad food will in NO way help.

I will be praying that things will improve for you! You sound like a spunky lady so I know you will get through this.

I hope you get your trip soon but for now, just sit back breathe deep and regroup. I have a feeling that you KNOW that works but probably, like me, sometimes you need to be reminded of it!

I will be praying for the doctors visits and for the pains to leave you and for all the anxiety to leave you also. I also agree with CAZ that it is better to face it and know what you are dealing with than to have all KINDS of thoughts rolling around in your head.

Here's to a GOOD day today, without worry! emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 4/24/2013 12:11PM

    HUGS and even though it feels usless, do take care of yourself. I know part of your pain, my hands, and feet go numb, and on a year long waiting list for a new knee.

HUGS and hope your son has good news for you! wish you could see him though.

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SHAKENBAKE 4/24/2013 11:58AM

    Thinking and praying god you dear friend! I'm so sorry what you are going through! Just know we all love and care about you! You are not alone! We all go through challenges! I've been through 43 operations and I believe the only thing that has saved me is my attitude! Look at the things you can control (diet and exercise) and don't let your feelings control your thoughts! Do something for you today! You are special!!!! Hugs 💗wanda

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MZZCHIEF 4/24/2013 11:55AM

    Sorry to hear about this, sounds just miserable!
I have scoliosis, right now I'm sitting here typing trying to balance myself in the position where I'm feeling the least amount of pain.

You know what to do,
Eat healthy
Eat in moderation
Be kind to your self just have to put what you know into action.

Swimming in a heated pool might eventually be an option for you since you can do that without a lot of stress on your joints.

I like magnesium baths (just put 2.5 cups of Epson salts in a hot tub with lavender oil and glycerin, some vitamin C if you have it) and soak away for an hour or so.

Heating pads are another option.

Fish oil it good for inflammation and to support our nerves. Get one that's high in DHA and EPA. Avoid starchy foods and seed oils, eat lots of fresh produce. All these things reduce inflammation.

Feel better soon.

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CHOCOHIPPO 4/24/2013 11:43AM

    I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch, but trust me, eating more and bad stuff is not the answer. See what the doctor says and take it from there. And maybe, you just need to concentrate on you right now and not worry so much about everyone else.

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!

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NEW-CAZ 4/24/2013 11:40AM

    The last thing you need to do is eat unhealthy right now, well you may WANT to, but now more than ever you need to take care of yourself.
You're brave seeing the doctor and facing facts Bonnie, better to know what you're dealing with.
I hope your appt comes through soon, my heart goes out to you- you have so much to contend with right now.
I hope Paul gets back to you with some good news!
Just remember your spark family is right here for you emoticon emoticon

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