Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Or so I claim, anyway, but there is always more to the story.
Starting taking some pills, dr. orders. Hormones, actually, and I expect to see these in my future a lot over the coming months.
In a nutshell: Holy feels-different-but-not-even-t
I have gone over on calories for two consecutive weeks. And in fact, I'm lying; it's been more like three. I know I am gaining weight. I know that I am losing sight. Or, at least, shifting sight. Feeling very much like old me, not determined me. Just feel like the version of me who always wishes but doesn't do.
And there is no "losing this one thing is more important than the other'--it's all a big tumble of junk and stuff. I was a person aspiring to run a faster mile 3 weeks ago. Feeling like weight and numbers were a fun game to play. Feeling (biggest one here) like I HAVE ALREADY WON. I am fit. I am healthy. I have a lower resting heart rate. I am pumped full of oxygen. I win!!
But, that was soooo three weeks ago. Now I am stuffing my face, hiding, feeling pressure, feeling moody and anticipating. Not weighing myself. Working out like a crazy demon but not really feeling it. Not feeling healthy as much as addictive--gimme food, workout, whatever. Just gimmie.
Feeling, really, mostly like walking on eggshells. Scared to stay in this place and scared to move forward because everything feels just a little bit fragile. Scared to think that there is a 'what if' because all positive outcome is manifest of positive thinking, right? So the pressure to stay the course, believe in all this western medicine and feel only fantastic is overwhelming. Glorious (and I don't mean that at all sarcastically) but a big presence nonetheless.
So, I am eating. Eating my ridiculous face off. As emotional response, of course, not because I am really hungry for anything tangible (though, with a lack of what I really crave, chocolate seems to make a pretty passable substitute). What am I hungry for? The future. Crossing the river. To beat the odds. For modern science to pave the way. Think of a metaphor and I will apply it. That is what I want.
For some reason my trainer and I had moved to one night a week the past couple of weeks so that we could meet for an hour. It was supposed to be for one week, but I loved meeting for an hour (ate the pavement, I think they call that kind of workout...) so when I scraped myself up I decided we should always meet for an hour. But alas, I miss the psychological check-ins. Seven days can be a long time. I asked last week to switch back to 2 30-min blocks of time for the reality check. That starts up again this week. Thank goodness. I really appreciate having that anchor.
Then tonight, I had to run. Had to. Can't even face her look at me when she looks at my weekly stats. I owe that woman 3 miles. And, really, I owe me 3 miles, but you know, I do have a trainer because of my lack of accountability. so I actually was kind of more doing it for her...but the point is, I did it. Got my shoes on and got out the front door and ran my regular route. Even though I had just eaten a snack...
What did my husband say just this morning when I complained, complained about my own behavior...he said only "It all begins today"
So. That was a fair statement. A mighty fair statement.
It all begins today.