I am still very much battling my weight.
I'm battling what it means to be "overweight" in a world where anything larger than a 6 is unacceptable.
I'm battling what it means to be healthy, as opposed to being thin.
I'm battling what it means to have character, rather than simply having the most friends.
I have to admit it freely--I am so angry.
Our world has decided that we have no worth unless we are super-skinny, that our beauty and our weight are synonymous, that our abilities are affected by our jiggle-factor.
I'm so, so angry.
It has hit me hard recently at work. I can't get into details, of course, but I work in a medical practice. It has bothered me for some time that there is such a strong push to be "skinny," rather than simply to be "healthy." I know this to be true because half of our practitioners are currently dieting--and only one of those is really doing so by eating sensibly. The other two are doing whackjob diets that are only going to land them gaining back more weight the moment they step off the straight and narrow. How can physicians condone this image?
We have a patient who is morbidly obese. I look in the mirror, and I see a fat girl; but this woman weighs even a significant amount more than me. And every day for the past two weeks, I have heard someone or other in the office talking about her weight, talking about how dysfunctional she is, talking about how difficult it is going to be to do her upcoming surgery, and how they'll need "three doctors and a team of horses."
It angers me. A lot.
Because first of all--she's a person. Regardless of her weight, she has beauty and purpose and value. Second of all--she's obviously in an abusive situation, and not a one of them has spoken a word of concern for her wellbeing. And third of all--and most unimportant--if they are talking that way about HER, they are talking that way about ME.
It pisses me off.
To no end.
When did it become OK to hate fat people, to speak of them with disgust and loathing, as if they were lepers of ancient Israel?
It's not okay. It's really, really not okay. And I have to decide what I can do about it in my workplace.
...I have to somehow keep this anger...from keeping me...from my own goals.
I don't seek to lose weight so I might gain their acceptance. I do not desire their acceptance. So maybe I'm ready to refocus: Why DO I want to lose weight? What will I gain out of it? What will I lose out of it?
And how can I reach my goal...with my character intact?