Living on a Prayer
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Ok, let's state the obvious before I get into this blog entry- I am obsessive. It's kind of ridiculous. When I want something, I'm proactive, and I do something about it.
I've been this way my whole life. I keep pushing myself past limits I didn't think was possible. Sometimes, (ok more than sometimes), I'm annoying at how obsessive I become about things. In school, I wasn't naturally smart. I worked my butt off, got into grad school, worked my butt off harder than I could ever imagine and landed a great job.
Now, I'm obsessed with work. I get obsessed with networking for work. Basically, if I have my mind set on something, I am a type-A personality who likes to not only get things done, but to "crush it."
Recently, I've been obsessed with natural family planning. It's a data-obsessed female's dream.
So, naturally, I'm obsessed with health, fitness, and my weight. I document everything I eat (all natural, no processed, no sugar, etc.- private message me for details). I take a crazy amount of quality (way too expensive for my budget, but whatever, I still buy them) vitamins. Admittedly, during school and very recently, I've slacked on working out. I'm definitely getting out of that rut and beginning a vigorous workout routine again.
If you haven't followed my blogs, here's the abridged version of my story- I have literally tried everything under the sun and I absolutely, positively cannot lose weight without some miraculous medical intervention. I'm seeing a doctor who is investigating further than any other medical professional I've seen. She's great, but she's stumped. (Private message me if you want to know more)
I saw her for the second time a few weeks ago. Yada yada yada, we have to wait until day 21 of my cycle to test my hormone levels. That's about 9 days away from today. We still may not have any answers. This may just rule out other things.
So why I am living on a prayer? Because, seriously people, this is the ONE thing I have absolutely no control over and I need the spiritual strength to just put my faith in someone or something else and ride it out.
Sure, those who love me will love me for who I am and not what I look like. But I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I feel like this body isn't my own.
It affects my relationship with my husband, my friends, and my professional life. I struggle everyday when I get dressed. I struggle when I look in the mirror. I'm not a struggler- and I'm tired of this fight.
I'm praying every day that God and/or this doctor (both, most likely) will just figure this out for me and get this horrible, gigantic, weight off my shoulders (and waist, and legs, and arms, etc) so I can just live my life (and probably obsess over something else more productive for society).
Anyways, I'm rambling. Thanks for listening Sparkpeople. Sometimes you just have to vent.