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Living on a Prayer

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ok, let's state the obvious before I get into this blog entry- I am obsessive. It's kind of ridiculous. When I want something, I'm proactive, and I do something about it.

I've been this way my whole life. I keep pushing myself past limits I didn't think was possible. Sometimes, (ok more than sometimes), I'm annoying at how obsessive I become about things. In school, I wasn't naturally smart. I worked my butt off, got into grad school, worked my butt off harder than I could ever imagine and landed a great job.

Now, I'm obsessed with work. I get obsessed with networking for work. Basically, if I have my mind set on something, I am a type-A personality who likes to not only get things done, but to "crush it."

Recently, I've been obsessed with natural family planning. It's a data-obsessed female's dream.

So, naturally, I'm obsessed with health, fitness, and my weight. I document everything I eat (all natural, no processed, no sugar, etc.- private message me for details). I take a crazy amount of quality (way too expensive for my budget, but whatever, I still buy them) vitamins. Admittedly, during school and very recently, I've slacked on working out. I'm definitely getting out of that rut and beginning a vigorous workout routine again.

If you haven't followed my blogs, here's the abridged version of my story- I have literally tried everything under the sun and I absolutely, positively cannot lose weight without some miraculous medical intervention. I'm seeing a doctor who is investigating further than any other medical professional I've seen. She's great, but she's stumped. (Private message me if you want to know more)

I saw her for the second time a few weeks ago. Yada yada yada, we have to wait until day 21 of my cycle to test my hormone levels. That's about 9 days away from today. We still may not have any answers. This may just rule out other things.

So why I am living on a prayer? Because, seriously people, this is the ONE thing I have absolutely no control over and I need the spiritual strength to just put my faith in someone or something else and ride it out.

Sure, those who love me will love me for who I am and not what I look like. But I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I feel like this body isn't my own.

It affects my relationship with my husband, my friends, and my professional life. I struggle everyday when I get dressed. I struggle when I look in the mirror. I'm not a struggler- and I'm tired of this fight.

I'm praying every day that God and/or this doctor (both, most likely) will just figure this out for me and get this horrible, gigantic, weight off my shoulders (and waist, and legs, and arms, etc) so I can just live my life (and probably obsess over something else more productive for society).

Anyways, I'm rambling. Thanks for listening Sparkpeople. Sometimes you just have to vent.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1760 days ago
    I understand your struggle, my body will fight me to the death, it seems like, to give up just one pound... and then it takes it back at the first opportunity.
    I have done everything you are doing now- totally organic, not processed anything.
    and so I totally understand. And one day you're going to do something slightly different and your body will say HEY, and give up a few pounds. Then you have to remember what it was that you did differently. But the next time, you'll have to do something else sort of different, your mind wants to keep you on your toes, but your body may want you to play a bit.
    I am not going to say "hang in" because you are going to be like me, you are going to find the solution under the obscure rock that you have been walking around for years now.
    1763 days ago
    Never give up! There IS a solution out there somewhere.
    1763 days ago
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