here i sit staring at my computer, looking at a blank blog page...
i feel... ashamed, guilty, unworthy, self-loathing, with all the weight i lost PLUS a few pounds extra, just to make it worse.
i basically "dropped off the radar" for about a month. so many things were going on. financially, emotionally, mentally physically, spiritually. i was pushing EVERYONE (family, friends, co-workers) away... and pulling in my "drug of choice-FOOD") toward me. i totally crumbled. i THOUGHT i was strong, and gonna succeed, but well, things kept hitting me, and instead of embracing all of my family and friends, SPARK BUDDIES, i just gave up. went back to the old ways... eating...eating and eating (oh, and sleeping). basically depression. every bite of food, made me self loathe and made me feel disgusting, which would make me eat MORE! in this past month i aged A LOT.
i would get alerts on my regular e-mail account from sparkpeople, that you (my spark buddies) were worried about me. i couldn't face you... until a few days ago. i opened up one from my dear friend, "LOVE2MY3", i was ready for WHERE ARE YOU? what the heck? don't you care? but instead, she wrote a note of love and support, "are you okay?" i was afraid to write back, would she even WANT to call me friend? but i did, and what happened? she was there, non judgemental and supportive, ready to help! and other messages from other spark buddies were supporting too! i felt a calm and peace wash over me, i can't thank you all enough! most of my life (parents, aunts uncles, ect., friends of my past) would be conditional with their love and support. any time i would devate from the behavior they wanted/expected, they would abandon me. don't get me wrong (my hubby, kids, adopted mom, dad and sis, and a some current friends) are great, but they don't know my struggles with weight... LIKE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU...
i have been down the road of, "this time will be different, i will lose the weight", and then i mess up and quit, but then i come back and your support is there, just like it never left. i thank God for each of you. thank you for being there, even when i was not!
i am back, but i am gonna try to love myself right where i am, and be patient with myself, like you all have been with me. it is so easy for me to help others, but i do not afford myself the same understanding, and unconditional caring and love.
thank YOU for giving me a second, 3rd, 4th 1,000th chance... i can't say that i will never slip up, but i do promise to keep trying... and do you know why???? BECAUSE OF YOU. i am so very blessed to have each of you. thank you for being there.