Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Still on the wagon so to speak. Little itty losses this last couple weeks but it means maybe I'm finding the right balance. Glad the snow is nearly gone, makes it easier to get out and do things. Actually got up recently and drove to the civic center for a walk, not letting anything (or myself) find some way to delay me.
Speaking of balance, I suspect some think that 'finding center' means no extra work required, that somehow it just gets easy. I know I slip into that mindset sometimes as well, which ultimately turns into gaining. Knowing (and doing) things like exercising, tracking food, etc. is not easy but it keeps me accountable to myself and anyone who reads my pages.
Something that I've been chewing on lately is the feeling of having extra energy. I'm recognizing that I am uncomfortable when I feel 'hyper'. I don't like feeling out of control, or possibly standing out. Years of trying to be invisible for my own mental and physical safety make it a challenge to step outside of that comfort zone. The rule was always; Smart (Fat) girls don't act spastic or draw attention to themselves. Food has been a tool to slow myself down, physically and emotionally. Eating a bit less and exercising more, along with being really happy (new house) for the first time in years is testing my limits. Last Saturday I was dancing around the house just because I felt like it. Pretty sure I haven't danced since about 7th grade. Who in the world is this person??? She's a bit scary if you ask me. Feels like I'm staring through the looking glass at someone else wearing my face but who isn't me. I recognize that becoming healthier requires changing, it's not really knowing the end result that feels terrifying.