Since embarking on this fitness/nutrition/health routine I have lost around 12 pounds off of my 4'11 body, bringing my current weight to 99. I have toned up and gained energy and muscles in places I didn't know I had. I am fitting back into clothes I had previously considered donating.
And I don't feel great.
Thanks to a mildly obsessive nature, I have a difficult time taking a day off of exercise. Ok, scratch that. I have a compulsive need to exercise. What started as 30 minutes of the 30 day shred has evolved into adding jogging later on in the day, and 30 more minutes before bed. I have been keeping my caloric range reasonable and within spark's recommendation, but lately...lately I want it to be lower. Lately I hate the muscles in my arms, I think they are masculine and therefore unattractive. My thighs are still too big. My stomach still sticks out.
I think it's easy to fall into this trap; I have before and that ultimately led to my vacation from seeking good health. Eating celery in place of ice cream makes me feel good, superior, perhaps, a testament to my growing will power. It's no longer a struggle. If we go to chick fil a, I get the chargrilled chicken sandwich, no fries, water to drink. If others have cake, I'll eat a banana. It's slowly become entwined in my thought patterns, a habit. And I can't decide if that's good or not.
Am I being too crazy? Or is this what it takes?
Why am I googling “the fastest way to lose 10 pounds”? If I lost 10 pounds, would I be happier? Healthier? Better looking? At my weight, I'm healthy. I'm fine. On the outside, I'm eating a much more healthy diet, I'm exercising regularly, I'm not doing anything crazy extreme. I'm not starving myself. I'm not exercising for 8 hours.
But mentally, I'm consumed. I need to exercise again. I need to do more squats. I need to get more cardio. I need to eat less for dinner. I need to stop using salad dressing. I need to read more and more and more and more about “health” online. The best diets. The most effective workouts. What's my BMR again? How many calories are in carrots? I need to weigh myself just one more time...
Is this a healthy new habit of mine, or am I descending down the rabbit hole of obsession? Do I dare pull myself back out, and risk losing progress, or continue, and risk sliding and sliding deeper and deeper?