Monday, April 22, 2013
Living with chronic illnesses is really not something I have chosen. I have attempted, over a decade or two, to do too much. To meet others expectations. To find ways through more loopholes, help get jobs done, and along the way, I've worn out several of my systems. That's how it seems at the moment, anyway. I'm currently living with thyroid issues, adrenal issues, estrogen issues, hearing issues...you get the idea.
I've gotten into the habit of being quieter about what I'm living with since others don't seem to want to hear it. I try to "power through", though I hate the phrase. I continue to borrow energy from other days because I feel it's what is expected.
Currently, I'm either still fighting a really nasty bug that hangs on for months, or am having vocal chord changes. As a singer and music teacher, it's very frightening. It may be nothing. I have to make the appointment to find out. Well, that part's done. Now I get to go. I have some other testing coming up that, again, nothing will probably come from, but it's frustrating to feel I can't even ask for encouragement from others. It's one more thing. Others get flustered. Frustrated. Walk away. I have never blamed them. I want to walk away too! My life is not as I want it to be, but it is what it is.
I'm writing this because I just want to quit - quit attempting to volunteer - quit trying. Staying in the corner of the basement is safer. More acceptable. Then I don't have to interact - show how things are in my corner....except if you choose to see. This particular space of flare is a hard one, currently, and I have the strength to sit here and cry, and write, but not to reach out. I'm too afraid of what others think and believe, whether those opinions actually count or not.
Today, I'm hurting. I'm nervous about the test results. My dad's health continues to slide downwards and I don't have the mental strength to go visit.
Life is as it is, but some days, it would just be nice to go back to bed. Like now. Perhaps make a blanket fort and not allow anyone but the really good friends in. Yeah. That's it.
Who wants to come to the blanket fort?
Thanks for reading.