Monday, April 22, 2013
I don't think I'm personally very photogenic. I know we all have those flaws we like to hide - mine is my rather toothy grin (where did all those teeth come from?!) and, of course, the weight.
From about 2008 up until about now, I didn't like full body shots. Full body shots showed the increasing tummy pooch, the flabby arms, the fuller face - all the things that reminded me that my weight was out of control. I never liked how I looked in clothes; I didn't feel sexy or beautiful. While I was "OKAY" with my body, I wasn't "OKAY" in the sense that I felt awesome. I felt like a blob.
Which is why most of my photos up to that point were headshots. I think my face is approximately round (more or less) naturally, so as long as the angle was okay, my face would look more or less okay. And while I may not have been OK with the neck below, I was happy (mostly) with my face.
Yesterday, my dad, my sister, and I went to a photographer to take pictures for a Mother's Day gift for my mom. The photographer was really great, looking to get my best angle, keeping us upbeat and in good spirits.
But I was stunned when he took a couple of shots of just me. I looked at the display on his camera - and I could have cried.
I looked beautiful!
My hair looked beautiful, my face (and I didn't have all that much makeup on either!), my body - everything was so pretty. It almost didn't look like me sitting in the photos - it most certainly wasn't the Me that felt flabby and bloblike who was only OK with herself.
For a few moments, I just stared in awe, gasping at it. At first the photographer thought I hated it, but then I said, "Oh, no, no, not at all - I look so pretty!"
I'm not at my goal weight yet - I have about 45 - 50 pounds to go. But for the first time in a LONG time, I feel beautiful. I don't think I even felt beautiful the last time I was this weight. I would have said I had a goofy smile, weird hair, and funky body shape. But this time, I feel beautiful. I feel amazing.
Choosing to live a healthy lifestyle has been fantastic for me. I've lost weight (believe it or not, 73 pounds!!), I sleep better, I'm more active. But I've also re-learned to love myself for who and what *I* am. No, these photos (I'll see if I can post copies when I get them) don't make me look like Gisele Budchen or Angelina Jolie or Kate Winslet., but I don't want them to.
I love looking like me.