Monday, April 22, 2013
Why can I not see my own body? I mean really see it. For what it really is.
I know I've gained weight. I can see it on the scale. I can see it in the sizes of clothing I'm wearing again. But I look into the mirror, and don't really see it.
I get glimpses every once in a while. I'll be walking past a mirror and see the extra abdominal weight I'm carrying again. Or I'll start to see the dimples in that fat deposit when I start to make progress.
But in all honesty, I don't see how much weight I've gained overall.
I don't see when I'm loosing it either. It took a long time for me to see the weight I lost last time. It's taking a long time for me to see the weight I've gained back.
This weekend, I saw just how I'm looking again. Just how much weight I've gained. It hurt.
I'm mostly hurt because I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I did this to myself. That I let it happen. That I didn't see it soon enough to stop it. That I was weak. That I let my emotions take over, and stopped doing what was right for my body - eating right, fueling my body rather than padding it, exercising.
Right then and there I committed myself to change it. I've done it once. I'll do it again.
I'm off work right now. That's not to say I won't keep looking, but I don't have the stress/time constraints of working right now. I know there is stress being out of work too, so I'll have to deal with that.
I need to be vigilant with what I eat, and when I eat it.
I need to move more. I know I've been struggling with my running training, and I honestly don't get why. I also need more than just running.
Overall, I need motivation. I've obviously got some blocks keeping me where I am. I need to work through them. Again.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this morning. We got home last night about 9pm, had supper and went to bed. We still have to unload the car today. And of course unpack. Hubby has it well underway. I'm just getting started.
Time to go and do what I need to. Get this day started.