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Had an "a ha!" moment this weekend - it wasn't a good one

Monday, April 22, 2013

Why can I not see my own body? I mean really see it. For what it really is.

I know I've gained weight. I can see it on the scale. I can see it in the sizes of clothing I'm wearing again. But I look into the mirror, and don't really see it.

I get glimpses every once in a while. I'll be walking past a mirror and see the extra abdominal weight I'm carrying again. Or I'll start to see the dimples in that fat deposit when I start to make progress.

But in all honesty, I don't see how much weight I've gained overall.

I don't see when I'm loosing it either. It took a long time for me to see the weight I lost last time. It's taking a long time for me to see the weight I've gained back.

This weekend, I saw just how I'm looking again. Just how much weight I've gained. It hurt.

I'm mostly hurt because I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I did this to myself. That I let it happen. That I didn't see it soon enough to stop it. That I was weak. That I let my emotions take over, and stopped doing what was right for my body - eating right, fueling my body rather than padding it, exercising.

Right then and there I committed myself to change it. I've done it once. I'll do it again.

I'm off work right now. That's not to say I won't keep looking, but I don't have the stress/time constraints of working right now. I know there is stress being out of work too, so I'll have to deal with that.

I need to be vigilant with what I eat, and when I eat it.

I need to move more. I know I've been struggling with my running training, and I honestly don't get why. I also need more than just running.

Overall, I need motivation. I've obviously got some blocks keeping me where I am. I need to work through them. Again.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this morning. We got home last night about 9pm, had supper and went to bed. We still have to unload the car today. And of course unpack. Hubby has it well underway. I'm just getting started.

Time to go and do what I need to. Get this day started.
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  • CHERIJ16
    I've been where you are a few times. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and others have been effective for me BUT I always gained the weight back! This time I know I can do it because this is a lifestyle change for me not a diet.
    I always thought I looked pretty good until I got that reality check in the mirror one day. The other reality check was being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and watching my blood sugars starting to climb. I know you can do this. Never, never give up! emoticon emoticon
    1737 days ago
    I can totally identify with you here. I was going through my closet to donate clothes and I found a pair of size 12 jeans. I held them up and I just stood there. Hubby was like whats up? I wore these 7 months ago. He said 'yeah?' When I had them on at the time I felt like I had so much more weight to lose and now that I have gained 35 lbs they look so skinny.

    I can't believe I let anything get me back to this point. This is not who I am. We can do this together!
    1737 days ago
    Artificial sweeteners cane and corn sweeteners and citric acid are fast weight gain tags and may need to be reduced or avoided for a while. A can of diet soda is real trouble. Love your body accept how it works and work with it. Believing you are guilty is a feelings misconception. You are what you eat. Eat sweet think sweet but love the effective process. A fast gain might be a sign of inflammation from a bad reaction to something lack of sleep or hormone shifting. Poor mood is not a win and real so love your self right past it. You can work through it and move on when laughter and gumption can turn the tables to lose weight. Rethink the off putting thinking that interferes with success. I believe in you. emoticon
    1737 days ago
  • LESLEE33
    Recommitting yourself is a step in the right direction! Never give up on yourself, you can do this!!! emoticon emoticon
    1737 days ago
    So you finally had that "a-HA!" moment. Good. Some of us need that clunk on the head to see the need to make changes. I had a huge bump on mine for months when I had that moment too.

    On motivation: Would you like me to be nice or honest? Honest it is. :-D Motivation has to be one of the hardest things to keep up, to keep alive, and to keep you fired up. My original motivation for losing the weight was that I wanted to keep up with My Guy in all the activities we did, and not have to ask him to slow down so I could catch up. Now that he's passed away, you're probably wondering how I'm managing to keep up the motivation. Thing is, about 4 years after the "a-HA!" moment, my motivation changed from keeping up with him to doing stuff for myself. That was nearly 7 years ago. I had managed to shift it from someone else back to myself. I also had to find ways to remember, and let it sink in, that I'm worth the effort. I still go through bouts of insecurities on what I really want out of life, but one thing is now for sure, I have to keep up the weight loss (and later weight maintenance) program, so that I can live freely and be (stay) happy.

    As you work through the "blocks", you know you will encounter some nasty, horrid, don't-wanna-revisit issues from your past. The best advice I can give you is to not work on them all at once. That's the same as being "perfect" on the food and fitness during the first month. You'll make progress, but you'll burn out by the end of the month. So tackle them, but only a little at a time. Your mental health with thank you for it.
    1737 days ago
  • SUE5007
    Sometimes I don't feel that overweight until I see myself in a photo. Try taking a photo and some measurements. This will help you see a difference when you're loosing but can't tell where or how much progress you've made. I hate taking measurements but when you take them again 2 months from now it will be awesome to say I lost an inch around my arms/thighs/waist etc...even if you can't see the difference in the mirror.
    Try joining a running team here on SP. They can help motivate you and help with any problems you are going through.
    1737 days ago
  • --VICKI--
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You see now where you need to make changes and are setting into motion what needs to be done. You'll do it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1737 days ago
  • KAT321123
    Good for you for recognizing that you need some change and motivation. What do you think it will take for you to find that motivation? You can do this! =)
    1737 days ago
    Keep Sparking!!! Taking advantage of the time you have off work can prove to be very beneficial. Hang In There!! emoticon
    1737 days ago
    This is so right on for me as well! I know I gained the weight back but I still don't think of myself as that big until I see my reflection in the right angle and I feel a sense of disbelief that I got back to this point. You're not alone... one step at a time in the right direction is all we can do until we are ready to run.
    1737 days ago
    Wow, in talking about how you view yourself and your weight gain, it could have been me talking! Knowing that I did this to myself, though, tells me that I am the one that has control over turning this ship around. I feel out of control quite often in my life. Eating is something I can totally control. That means I need to do it! Gotta be intentional about being healthy. We can both do this!
    1737 days ago
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