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Finding me.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I have spent the last month sabotaging myself. Nothing new. I couldn't find my fight. My battle cry was muffled by chocolate and junk food. I again let the world bog me down. I turned everything inward. Thinking that eventually, someday or when I can. Well it isn't going to magically happen. I feel that I used to be so strong and now am so weak. I have let my walking get limited again. I have restricted my movement. I feel like crap all the time. I talk myself up that I am going to make a change and then I fall. I feel that I have subscribed to being weak! So I have gotten back up from the fall am dusting myself off and making changes. I have started having dreams. More like nightmares. If I don't change things then it is going to be ugly. I don't want my nightmares to become reality.

So today I looked at myself in the mirror and told my self to suck it up buttercup. This is going to be hard work. Quit being weak and making excuses. I need to dish out some tough love to myself. I have allowed myself to make excuses for so long. I am miserable. The feelings of not wanting to go out in public has returned. The urge to hide and fade away scream at me but I am now screaming back. I wont freaking lose. I am going to win this fight or die trying. Every new step is a win. I have to do it. I have allowed myself to get soft and weak. I have protected the excuses and the laziness. No more. NO MORE!!!!!

I have looked over my journey and am disappointed in myself. Now don't get me wrong. I know that I need to use tough love but I also need to love myself more. I have to make myself a priority. I can't be the one to do it all. Not that I have been doing that successfully. So I am revamping my life. It is going to take a bit but it is time to use this anger in a positive way. So I am sucking it up and moving my lazy rear. I have to realize I am worth fighting for. As I said for the first time recently - I am worth something somewhere, somehow! Time to prove that to myself.

I have been lost for so long. Time to find me!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KJACOBS1111
    I hear you. I sabotage myself a lot. I'll do so well for awhile and then I just stop and over time my fitness goes away, junk food creeps back in and then I'm even unhappier than before. It is a lot of HARD work, but I know we can do it!

    I like the quote "Don't want to fail anymore? Then stop giving up."

    For when I get off track...I've started a list in my "planner" here on Spark (ie private journal) of things I know I can do that help me get back on track when I've gone off or stopped working on my weight/nutrition/health/taking care of me in general...when those things have happened I can never remember anything that helps or how to get started again hence the list! These are small things like taking my vitamin D & probiotic....opening the kitchen & dining room blinds to let more light in...writing daily in my planner about whatever is causing me anxiety that day...things to do to get something started in the right direction-no matter how small...


    1760 days ago
    Oh my goodness. You are writing my story. I don't know what's the matter with me. Good for you for taking stock and turning things around. emoticon emoticon
    1778 days ago
    Facing yourself with tough love, without the recriminations, is a great place to work from. Thank you for sharing about it and I wish you success in every little step you take toward your bigger goals. xxx
    1782 days ago
    You are worth fighting for. Great to know you are moving forward again.
    1790 days ago
  • LE7_1234
    I saw your blog because you're on the IOWL team. Have you listened to any of the podcasts lately? #3 is really good for the "Finding Me" theme.... #4 is great for figuring out why you're sabotaging yourself.

    1791 days ago
    emoticon U & me both buttercup! Let's do it!
    1791 days ago
  • SHOES17
    sounds like you have opened a new door. hugs
    1792 days ago
    Thank you for your honest a vulnerable sharing. In naming where you are, I believe you have taken some of your power back. I am with Gini in taking small and steady steps each day. You are worth it. Remember, it is about progress not perfection. You can do it. emoticon emoticon
    1792 days ago
    It takes a lot of strong nerve to face yourself when you just want to hide under the covers. I am proud of you for taking a stand. You are worth alot to me. Never think you are not thought about and cared about. I know how hard it is to face yourself when you are not doing well but you CAN put this right. Now , tomorrow, take 1 step and only 1 step. Choose to eat a healthy breakfast or take a 10minute walk just do 1 thing you didn't do today. 1 step at a time, 1 bite at a time, 1 hour at a time. Make this journey a sloooowwwww er one. Like a train leaving the station, you need to build up so steam to get moving forward but when it all comes together, away you go and it gets easier. I believe in you!!!!

    Gini emoticon
    1792 days ago
    Good luck to you. Try to think of your journey as one of strength because you keep getting back up and trying again. It's okay to fall, you only fail when you give up.
    1792 days ago
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