Sunday, April 21, 2013
I have spent the last month sabotaging myself. Nothing new. I couldn't find my fight. My battle cry was muffled by chocolate and junk food. I again let the world bog me down. I turned everything inward. Thinking that eventually, someday or when I can. Well it isn't going to magically happen. I feel that I used to be so strong and now am so weak. I have let my walking get limited again. I have restricted my movement. I feel like crap all the time. I talk myself up that I am going to make a change and then I fall. I feel that I have subscribed to being weak! So I have gotten back up from the fall am dusting myself off and making changes. I have started having dreams. More like nightmares. If I don't change things then it is going to be ugly. I don't want my nightmares to become reality.
So today I looked at myself in the mirror and told my self to suck it up buttercup. This is going to be hard work. Quit being weak and making excuses. I need to dish out some tough love to myself. I have allowed myself to make excuses for so long. I am miserable. The feelings of not wanting to go out in public has returned. The urge to hide and fade away scream at me but I am now screaming back. I wont freaking lose. I am going to win this fight or die trying. Every new step is a win. I have to do it. I have allowed myself to get soft and weak. I have protected the excuses and the laziness. No more. NO MORE!!!!!
I have looked over my journey and am disappointed in myself. Now don't get me wrong. I know that I need to use tough love but I also need to love myself more. I have to make myself a priority. I can't be the one to do it all. Not that I have been doing that successfully. So I am revamping my life. It is going to take a bit but it is time to use this anger in a positive way. So I am sucking it up and moving my lazy rear. I have to realize I am worth fighting for. As I said for the first time recently - I am worth something somewhere, somehow! Time to prove that to myself.
I have been lost for so long. Time to find me!