Sunday, April 21, 2013
It's been quite the crazy practicum. I am absolutely loving teaching, the students, the school, and the staff. The place where I am staying is very cold. I really have always known that I hate the cold but just can't imagine how it can affect my mood and behaviour. Throughout the week I am fine because I am in school most of the day. Weekends are particularly tough and this spring weather has not been easy. This last week was particularly tough because we are getting warmer weather and I come back to the house and crawl right into bed with a heat pad because although it is cold outside, it is still freezing in my room. Also last week the brakes on my van went. Because I was able to find someone to fix them for a reasonable price, I was still out $500 dollars and then had to replace the cord on my laptop. I just am so ready to go home. I want to be with my family. I miss my daughter. I want to be working again and know that I will be earning a paycheck soon. These thoughts overwhelm me because it is the weekend. I really don't feel so isolated. I would never last on Survivor. He he he. Last night was particularly rough. Connie said she could hear me tossing and turning all night and mumbling in my sleep. I know it was rough. I woke up with a migraine and the bridge of my nose hurts like you would not believe. I must have whacked it in my sleep. This morning was the worst I felt in a long time; however, I have experienced worse and I know it will get better. It does not surprise me when I feel this bad that I look back on the last few weeks and find that I was distracted from my goals, stopped taking care of myself, and so begins the downward cycle. I feel bad, so I don't take care of myself, and then feel worse, etc. I have been "treating myself" a little too often. Don't get me wrong. It is good to treat yourself on occasion but for me it just doesn't stop when it is because I feel bad. I did have a really good week with my last observation and this practicum has been very successful. That was a great reason to have a treat but I was also going through another emotional roller coaster. It would probably have been better to leave the treat until that was settled. That way I am not continuing to treat myself to feel better. Yesterday I started to make my lunches for the week and so that is almost done so I will be within my cals. I am also going to go to the walking track today. I knew if I started blogging again, I would get my focus back and I would feel better. My migraine is starting to clear already and I am ready for a very good day.
Another new development is happening. There is a friend who I have come to rely on and have developed deep feelings for during this practicum. Sometimes it is really good to have someone to talk to, that you can keep your sense of humour during hard times. It was very good at first. I felt so focused on work, encouraged, happy. Then I started not to feel so good, hurt, scared, and definitely not focused at all. Then I overate and overspent, starting that downward cycle. Where exactly is the problem? I lost my focus. I will get hurt or I will not. Being scared and losing focus on my own goals will not increase my chances of avoiding hurt. The only way to avoid being hurt in life is to play it safe and take no risks. The thing with risk is that there is a chance you will have something great, but there is also a chance you won't. The trick is to go for what you want and enjoy the process, enjoy all the little moments along the way. Hopefully, you will end up with something even better than what you expected.
Practicum has been amazing and I will write more about that later because right now I am off to enjoy this day.