Saturday, April 20, 2013
Yesterday I went for a "leisure walk" as a reward to myself for busting through my Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 workout. It was early evening and the air was warm. I could hear the frogs chirping in the distance, one of my favorite spring sounds. Still recovering from my workout I walked slowly, water bottle in hand, and asked myself, "Why are you so unhappy? Why have you felt this way for so long? How can you feel this way on such a beautiful night?"
Instantly I realized the answer was simple: I've chased every single thing that I love that brought me true happiness out of my life. Such as:
Reading the Bible
I've even in some ways chased my husband out of my life; letting pride and bitterness keep me from the level of emotional closeness we used to share.
Instantly my eyes filled with tears at the emotion of this realization. I've lost sight in so many ways of who I truly am: The things I love, that matter to me, that make me who I am. I used to get so much enjoyment out of just being active outdoors, studying the Bible, giving to missions, exercising regularly, creative writing and keeping a journal, etc. I remembered how one summer I spent time nearly every day sprawled on a blanket in a field of the house I grew up, just reading books and writing my thoughts in a journal. I would never even think to do that now.
I really don't know how I got to this place in my life, or why. I don't know how I ventured from the picture I just painted to a robotic and unhappy individual. Or how to venture from here. But somehow just that simple realization was so freeing. I realized I can find happiness again by reintroducing the things that fulfill me. My fitness journey is not something to dread or to beat myself up for if I don't complete: it is something I truly enjoy. I think this realization will really help me in not just my fitness goals but in my life as well.