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What's New? (a long blog that deals with feelings)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Well, feel like there are a lot of things worthy of talking about in this blog. Let's just go and see where it ends up.

I'm not sure about other areas in the country, but we have NOT been having spring in MN. We have had snow storms the past two weeks on Thursdays. This past Thursday it got so bad that MY class was actually canceled. Crazy! We never cancel classes. We actually had sunshine and 45 degrees yesterday. FYI, we should be having day time highs in the 50s and 60s by this point in time. We have had one day in the 50s. The moisture should be coming in the form of rain, not snow. Last week we got about 6 inches. This week we got 8 inches. This is NOT how April in MN is supposed to be.

In an effort to decrease the amount of carbs in my diet, I have now tried mashed cauliflower. I have made it twice now. You know what, it didn't suck. In fact, it was actually pretty good. The first time I made it I put it with my firecracker shrimp. I followed the recipe better, but I believe recipes are just suggestions. It was good because it had a mouth feel like mashed potatoes. It was a little strong on the garlic. I used raw. It was really good because it helped to soak up the yummy sauce from the shrimp. I made it again last night. I roasted the garlic ahead of time. I didn't have any cream cheese so I just added some seasoning, a tsp of butter and a little extra water and put it in my food processor with some roasted garlic. It was yummy! We didn't miss the cream cheese at all. My suggestion: try it! Just be sure to steam/cook the cauliflower well or it wont mash quite right.

This week I struggled a little bit, ok, a lot bit, with a lot of things in my life. I have gotten to a point that I just don't want to do homework. I am so over being a student it isn't funny. The bad thing, I have 3 classes after this quarter yet to go. :S Ick.

Last week Wed I was up really late working on our adoption profile. We had to have a printed version in the mail for a birthmom opportunity. We finished it. I took it to Office Max and printed and bound it, then overnighted it to the agency. I wasn't that proud of it, but it was pretty good. The birthmom was supposed to look at it Tuesday. That moved to Wednesday. (Why did I overnight it to have there on Friday??)

Anyway. All day Wednesday I was in a bit of a funk about this. I was so nervous I couldn't concentrate. That was also the same day we got some feedback on the pictures we submitted to use in our profile (We threw ours together quickly because this opportunity came up, it wasn't "approved" or polished yet.) The feedback I got on pictures was kind of helpful, but kind of frustrating. They want us to add more "action" pictures, specifically of us doing things together. After 7 years of marriage, where at least one of us has been a student during that whole time, we don't have a ton of shared hobbies. We do like museums and traveling and a few other things like that. It is tough to try to get some of those pictures because it has been a while since we have traveled at all, and the travel we did do didn't contain pictures of us doing things that were posed, smiling at the camera. We also shouldn't use pictures where either of us is wearing sunglasses. I wear contacts, my eyes are very sensitive to light. I wear sunglasses a lot. We just got 8 more inches of snow, how can we even stage some pictures right now? Anyway, all of that hit me really hard realizing the pictures they said not to use were most of the pictures that I included. I really started to feel like it would be my fault if we didn't get picked because I had used the wrong pictures. It didn't help that despite getting decent amounts of sleep, I was really tired. I was in a funk. A wrong look or comment could send me into tears.

Thursday was a little bit better. It started snowing around noon and had a lot of snow, class was canceled and I could be home with hubby. This was good. We have about 15 files we were emailed to get started on our Homestudy. Thursday gave me a chance to dig through them and see what they were all about.

Friday I had an appointment to get my hair done. I got it cut and colored. It is back to a shorter length that I can actually do something with - stupid fine hair.

When I got home there was an email informing us that we had not been selected by the birthmom. I still felt a little bit responsible, but ultimately I had to realize that this was not meant to be our little boy. The child that God has planned for us is out there.

Anyway, a little retail therapy was needed. So my mom took me to Target to get some patio furniture. Yup, with 8 inches of snow, I was buying patio furniture. It made perfect sense to me. I spent the rest of the afternoon making hard boiled eggs, marinating chicken, prepping veggies, etc. Trying to have healthy options readily available. I have a partial list for the week, I need to go to the grocery store today.

Last night hubby and I spent about 3 hours getting some paperwork in line for our Homestudy. We get fingerprinted this weekend and get our first stack submitted in the next week or so. We need employment verifications, letters of recommendation from 3 or more people, letters from our doctors saying we are healthy, and then forms that feel like we just keep filing out the same information, again, and again, and again, and again. Because everyone has their own version of the form that they need filled out.

This paperwork simply added to the frustration that I was feeling. I have to do so much paperwork and jump through so many hoops because hubby and I are unable to conceive on our own. I have to have someone else approve us to be parents and then have someone else pick us to raise their child. It seems so daunting and hopeless. It is tough to stay positive. It is tough not to let this get to me. It is really tough seeing all the new baby pictures and new baby announcements that seem to pop up every day on Facebook. While shopping with my mom we ran into a guy my dad went to school with. They chatted a while and then the couple started in on how great their grandkids were and when is she gonna get some. Then he says to me "you're married, your parents are waiting for grandkids...." Then turns back to her and is like, "you really do need grandkids, they are amazing..." I was so irritated, I didn't even know what to say. I wanted to be like, Hey Jerk, you don't know, you just don't know, lay off. But instead I just stood there, like a deer in a headlight. My mom simply responded with "Her hubby just finished pharmacy school. It's been a long journey in school." It made me sad that my mom has that speech so perfected, obviously from having given it more than once. It is bad enough when people get it our face about having kids, but I felt so bad that my mom gets that kind of crap for a situation that she has ZERO control over.

So now I have rambled on with a total downer of a blog post. I guess seeing those feelings on a screen really does explain some of my funk, huh? I guess it was good and therapeutic to actually address them. I was tempted to hit delete and spare all of you from those ramblings of frustration, but then it would be easy for me to ignore them more. I can't ignore them as easily when they are where I can see and read them. So it stays.

In an effort to stay positive, and keep moving forward, because I do refuse to be shut down or paralyzed by fear of the unknown, we are doing the paperwork. We will get our homestudy done. We will be approved as appropriate parents. I can't be as certain that we will be picked, but I can be positive that we will be. We are also working on some of the "projects" we wanted to do before bringing a baby home. We are reaching out to our friends to paint a snoopy in the snoopy room. There are two walls that have snoopy murals and I want to add a dancing snoopy to the empty wall. We have a friend that will be helping my hubby build some planter boxes for our veggie garden(s). I am also working on making myself has healthy as I can and learn better habits so that I can teach our children healthier habits. I am looking into local sources of happier meat (animals that are raised and slaughtered humanely) and locally grown ingredients. Not always possible considering the 8 inches of snow in April in MN. But these are projects I am working on.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm really sorry the birthmom rejected you. I don't remember my adoptive parents having to go through anything like that. I think it's kind of weird that you have to send photos to the birthmom so she can choose who she wants to be the parents. How the hell are photos indicative of how good a parent you'll be? I'd have never been adopted by my parents if they'd sent photos, my adoptive mom always looked like she was ready to tear someone's throat out in pictures, even when she was smiling. She is a very unhappy woman.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts. Try not to stress too much about it. When it happens, it will be right. emoticon
    1677 days ago
    I'm glad you didn't delete your post. I like to hear from you. No, I don't like to see people unhappy, but it's good to know what's going on with you. You've been so busy since last fall that you haven't had a chance to post as much as you used to, so I get excited every time I see blogs :P

    I can't believe the paperwork you have to deal with for this! It's crazy. These specific photos? I wonder if you can just start sending in clippings from an LL Bean catalogue or something. No one but them could have that many perfect pictures of mindlessly happy vacationers all in one place. It's even more frustrating, I suppose, when you think about all the people out there who don't want the children they have, or get knocked up accidentally. They certainly didn't have to go through an application process for that! I know the process exists to ensure the absolute best possible home for another human being, but it seems a little unfair at the same time. I hope that you don't have to go through too much more of this.

    A friend of mine is really big on doing strange things to cauliflower. She uses it to make pizza. You can take that cauliflower and make a pizza crust with it, apparently. She made some for us, and the taste was really good. I was surprised! Apparently, there's a recipie on spark for it too. Eggs, cauliflower and cheese? That seems pretty simple! It has to be better for you than something made with a bunch of white flower, right? D:


    Anyway, I'm rooting for you! I hope some of this stress dissipates soon and things start to go your way.
    1677 days ago
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