So I signed up today for the StepUpCheyenne.com's event today. This is an event that they do every few months...kinda like dietbet.com, but you do it with a bunch of local people. I was really excited to do this last night...set my alarm clock for MUCH earlier then I would normally get up. Told myself I was going to go there in the morning and sign up for this and I would be "happy" about it.
Something happened between last night when I closed my eyes and when I woke up this morning. My motivation to sign up for this slipped...a lot. I dragged my feet this morning, procrastinating as much as I could with anything that I could. I left early, still intending to make it there and get signed up. I made it to the parking lot...and I couldn't go in. I saw all of these "cuter, skinnier, younger" girls walking out all smiles because they had just finished signing up. I chickened out. I bailed. I felt terrible about it, but I still couldn't force myself to go in.
For the next few hours of work, I had the internal bashing going on in my head. "You're stupid. Too fat! They're all prettier and skinnier then you. You're never gonna get smaller." Ugh! fine! I forced myself to go at lunchtime, but I made my BF go with me (moral support, okay?). The minute I stepped into the gym where they were holding this, fear and panic instantly came on. I felt like a total fish out of water. I filled out the paperwork for it, and was directed to go get weighed in. Now, mind you, the weight that they got on me was with clothes on and after I had eaten lunch. It was about 5 pounds heavier then what I had on my scale this morning. I instantly took it to heart. Then I had to hold a mechanism that told me what my BMI was. The buttons lit up on it. It started at normal, then went to high, then very high. And then it told me that my BMI was 42.6.
That's right, folks. I am severely obese. I have 44.6% body fat.
The minute that number came up, it felt like my world just cracked. Little pieces of it are laying all over, and I just wanted to run out of the room crying. I knew that my numbers weren't great, but seeing them on this tiny little machine was almost too much for me today. I get that I've lost about 12 pounds so far this year, but at this very moment it doesn't feel like i've done s**t. I thanked the perky, skinny nursing student who was helping me face reality and I grabbed my coat and my BF and then left...quickly. There were tons of vendors there all with smiling faces who wanted the participants to visit them. I just didn't have the heart to even look at them.
So what am I feeling? Ashamed, embarrassed, ....guilty?? Yes! It's my fault that I'm where I'm at today. I take the blame completely, and until today I thought I was working on it the best I could. But obviously, today's been an eye-opener, and I'm left standing pretty blurry eyed right now. The worst part of this whole thing...the minute I left that building all I wanted to do was go to Dairy Queen and order the biggest blizzard they had and gorge on it. Talking to my BF, I calmed down enough to not drive there. I drove past it, and back to work. I walked past the cafeteria that has ice cream in it. I walked up stairs to my workstation. I'm still angry and hurt, but I figure with every minute I should start to feel better that I haven't binged. I'm struggling, but I'm fighting. I'm going to overcome this, even though right now it feels like I'm going to start crying at any minute.
So what am I going to do now? I don't know, honestly. I need to regroup, but first I need to get through the next two hours at work without crying. Then I'm going home and having a mini pity-party, and then I'm going dress shopping with my daughter. She has family pictures with her dad tomorrow, and she wants to look nice. That's what I'm going to start with.