I can't even begin to say how much this sums me up anymore. I had a mini-breakdown today. I don't even know why. I was going about my morning getting things ready for the day, the boys were getting ready for school, baby was playing happily and I was getting ready to get in the shower and it hit me. I started crying and I have no idea why. I felt sad. Unbelievably sad. All I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and go back to bed. Impossible to say the least.
Some days I just miss simplicity. There is nothing simple in my life. My kids are so spread out in age that alone is hard -- an age span of 15 to almost two and everything in between. I am finding such a challenge in meeting everyone's needs and wants. My daughter has so many things she wants to do, my older two sons are doing some fun things over the summer my oldest son is going to take some MMA classes and then there is the little guy. I love that little man to pieces, but he is unending. He is so very busy and there is not a minutes rest when he is awake.
To top everything off with my kids I have two elderly grandparents in town and I seem to be the dumping ground for the entire family when there is a question or a problem. The nursing home that she is staying at calls me constantly (I am her POA) always asking me for things and to contact my grandpa etc. My great Aunt has proven to be an annoying pebble in my shoe ALWAYS calling me and trying to stir the pot, my grandpa, bless his heart, is struggling so hard with her being in a nursing home and it makes me feel so sad for them both because my grandma hates it but my grandpa can't take care of her in the way that she needs it (she is Alzheimer's and he can't see or hear well anymore). I have a cousin who is also shouldering the POA responsibilities and thank god. But me being in town, the majority falls on me. There are times I would love to just be her granddaughter and not have all the crap. I just want to spend her last days as her granddaughter, not having to shoulder all the extra stuff. I guess it goes in tandem, though. I get that.
All of this stuff has built up I think and I just needed to cry this morning. I miss the simple days. I question often if I will ever see simple days again. I miss the days that I could bring a cup of coffee back to bed with me and read or check my emails or watch tv. I have very limited time at best. I can usually squeeze out a few minutes in the afternoon when baby naps but it seems something gets sacrificed for me to do that. I like to catch up on SP, emails, etc but in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking about things I *should* be doing like dusting or organizing the mountain of papers on my desk or going through the clothes that a friend gave me for my son, the unending pile of laundry that constantly graces my laundry room. I know I am being whiny and it is just how it is. I am fortunate I get to be a SAH mom and I have the time to be home with my little guy and enjoy the small times with him. I know that there will be a time in the very near future that I will miss the crazy toddler days and I will remember back and think of the fun days but not the crazy moments. I know all of this. But I just need to dump my head for a moment and get a grip on it all.
I know I need something for me. I know that. But what? I am not a religious person so church is out. I tried MOPs but again, it is religious based and I had a bad experience with that group so I don't know. I have a very good friend who is busier than me and I never get to see her. I have ZERO social life. I have a hard time just putting myself out there. I would love to find someone who I could identify with. I tried storytime at the library and that was fun, but my little guy will not sit through it. So that is out. I wish there was a playgroup I could bring him to that I could meet some women who also stay home with their kids so I could have SOMEone to relate to. As it is now, I feel so very alone and isolated. Going to the grocery store is about as social as it gets for me. Pathetic, sad. I am embarrassed to admit that out loud.
So I guess all of this is what has brought me back to the 30 day challenge. I just need to zero in on a few things. Get a grip on what I need to do, prioritize some things so when I get the phone calls and the unexpected things that always have the most inconvienient times of popping up, I am not stressed out trying to handle it.
I just watched the video on the Important Person Promise and this is it: I am making my promise that I will work on and do my best to get through my list of 10 goals for the remainder of the year. I also just re-watched the video on the to do list and I know it is such an invaluable tool. I just need to pull my head out of my butt and get back to it. So with that, I am going to do my brain dump and add things into my "this week" list and my "soon" list. I need to focus and prioritize and be happy with that. Happy with not being perfect and being able to let the stresses roll off of me and not take too much on, but do what I can.
Sigh. This too shall pass, right? I just want more than anything I guess to find balance in my life. To be able to gracefully juggle the stay at home mom with the good wife with the good granddaughter with the good friend with the organized mom with the fitness and nutrition side of me. Does that make sense?
So with that, sorry for the dump blog, I just needed to get some of it out for today. Off to hit my to do list and organize some things up mentally....