Friday, April 19, 2013
I can't even begin to say how much this sums me up anymore. I had a mini-breakdown today. I don't even know why. I was going about my morning getting things ready for the day, the boys were getting ready for school, baby was playing happily and I was getting ready to get in the shower and it hit me. I started crying and I have no idea why. I felt sad. Unbelievably sad. All I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and go back to bed. Impossible to say the least.
Some days I just miss simplicity. There is nothing simple in my life. My kids are so spread out in age that alone is hard -- an age span of 15 to almost two and everything in between. I am finding such a challenge in meeting everyone's needs and wants. My daughter has so many things she wants to do, my older two sons are doing some fun things over the summer my oldest son is going to take some MMA classes and then there is the little guy. I love that little man to pieces, but he is unending. He is so very busy and there is not a minutes rest when he is awake.
To top everything off with my kids I have two elderly grandparents in town and I seem to be the dumping ground for the entire family when there is a question or a problem. The nursing home that she is staying at calls me constantly (I am her POA) always asking me for things and to contact my grandpa etc. My great Aunt has proven to be an annoying pebble in my shoe ALWAYS calling me and trying to stir the pot, my grandpa, bless his heart, is struggling so hard with her being in a nursing home and it makes me feel so sad for them both because my grandma hates it but my grandpa can't take care of her in the way that she needs it (she is Alzheimer's and he can't see or hear well anymore). I have a cousin who is also shouldering the POA responsibilities and thank god. But me being in town, the majority falls on me. There are times I would love to just be her granddaughter and not have all the crap. I just want to spend her last days as her granddaughter, not having to shoulder all the extra stuff. I guess it goes in tandem, though. I get that.
All of this stuff has built up I think and I just needed to cry this morning. I miss the simple days. I question often if I will ever see simple days again. I miss the days that I could bring a cup of coffee back to bed with me and read or check my emails or watch tv. I have very limited time at best. I can usually squeeze out a few minutes in the afternoon when baby naps but it seems something gets sacrificed for me to do that. I like to catch up on SP, emails, etc but in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking about things I *should* be doing like dusting or organizing the mountain of papers on my desk or going through the clothes that a friend gave me for my son, the unending pile of laundry that constantly graces my laundry room. I know I am being whiny and it is just how it is. I am fortunate I get to be a SAH mom and I have the time to be home with my little guy and enjoy the small times with him. I know that there will be a time in the very near future that I will miss the crazy toddler days and I will remember back and think of the fun days but not the crazy moments. I know all of this. But I just need to dump my head for a moment and get a grip on it all.
I know I need something for me. I know that. But what? I am not a religious person so church is out. I tried MOPs but again, it is religious based and I had a bad experience with that group so I don't know. I have a very good friend who is busier than me and I never get to see her. I have ZERO social life. I have a hard time just putting myself out there. I would love to find someone who I could identify with. I tried storytime at the library and that was fun, but my little guy will not sit through it. So that is out. I wish there was a playgroup I could bring him to that I could meet some women who also stay home with their kids so I could have SOMEone to relate to. As it is now, I feel so very alone and isolated. Going to the grocery store is about as social as it gets for me. Pathetic, sad. I am embarrassed to admit that out loud.
So I guess all of this is what has brought me back to the 30 day challenge. I just need to zero in on a few things. Get a grip on what I need to do, prioritize some things so when I get the phone calls and the unexpected things that always have the most inconvienient times of popping up, I am not stressed out trying to handle it.
I just watched the video on the Important Person Promise and this is it: I am making my promise that I will work on and do my best to get through my list of 10 goals for the remainder of the year. I also just re-watched the video on the to do list and I know it is such an invaluable tool. I just need to pull my head out of my butt and get back to it. So with that, I am going to do my brain dump and add things into my "this week" list and my "soon" list. I need to focus and prioritize and be happy with that. Happy with not being perfect and being able to let the stresses roll off of me and not take too much on, but do what I can.
Sigh. This too shall pass, right? I just want more than anything I guess to find balance in my life. To be able to gracefully juggle the stay at home mom with the good wife with the good granddaughter with the good friend with the organized mom with the fitness and nutrition side of me. Does that make sense?
So with that, sorry for the dump blog, I just needed to get some of it out for today. Off to hit my to do list and organize some things up mentally....
Member Comments About This Blog Post
It's just one day at a time, I know it's an old advice, but just focussing on the present moment helps. If you can find a quiet place for you to go to by yourself once a week, with no plans but to breathe and let go of all the stuff that's going on... I go to a chapel, all by myself, for an hour once a week, and it saves me, I almost physically feel like I am unloading my burden. I know you're not religious, but maybe you can find a special place where you can just be you with no other expectations put on you, no cell, no connections. Out of the house and away from it all. Just for an hour. It really does pay off. And yes, I have cried in there, and asked why, and complained, and been confused, and just sat and do nothing else but breathe and be, but after it all, I always feel lighter.
Also keep in mind that what you are doing for all these people that depend on you, young and old, is pure gold, and it is people like you that are the heart of the world and make it a better place to be. Even if they are too young or too old and frail to let you know that, your actions speak love. But you have to take time for you too.
1672 days ago
One question on the library storytime... do they expect him to sit still at less than 2 years? Or is that your expectation? The ones who are sitting still have likely been going since they were tiny. In my 0-3 year old group, I tell the parents straight out that I don't expect them to sit still or quietly at that age. My point is, unless the librarian has told you he's not ready, don't give up. Give it a few months and see what happens. Even if the only thing you guys get out of it is the social time for you. And really, at that age, it's all about learning to be in a group and getting that mommy time. Just my thoughts.
1672 days ago
You have a lot to deal with! Good to see you still here. Back myself...
1672 days ago
So sorry you are having a rough time. I am here if you need me.
1673 days ago
I think there are few things harder than that kind of sandwich generation craziness. You are NOT whining. You DO need time, friends and some peace. I've been there. I DO have a lot of empathy for what you're going through, and I got out the other side in one piece.
I'm going to sparkmail you. ;-)
1674 days ago
You need a vacation. Yikes!
1674 days ago
1675 days ago
I think you have already received some really good solid advice from the ladies that already posted here. So just know I am thinking of you and sending lots and lots of and
1675 days ago
I can definitely see why you're stressed out. I can understand the mini-breakdown.
I am just wondering if you can get some of the demands off of you. Could the older kids watch the little one for a little while? Could they help with household chores in some way? Maybe you could even pay the older kids. Could you somehow get some of the responsibility for grandparents off of you? Truthfully, that just seems so unfair and emotionally exhausting. I know you love them, but they would not want to think of their beloved granddaughter getting so stressed out. Maybe you could talk this over with the home, the social worker there? Maybe you could have a chat with your Aunt or else somehow avoid her?
I do agree you need more social contact with people that you can communicate with. Maybe your husband can be supportive of this....take care of the kids during the evening or sometime on the week-end so you can do something.....even if it is a get-together with other friends at someone's home. And maybe you could hire a babysitter occasionally so you and husband could have a date night.
Of course there might be things like play groups, YMCA or YWCA, health club, or something you could set up so you could socialize while little one is with you.
I can hear that you are starting to recover. When you get to the point of being that upset at least it is like a red flag that something needs to change. And the depth of emotion did give you insight into how you actually felt.
1675 days ago
Once again I wish that we lived closer together. It sounds like my little guy would fit right in with your bunch and then we could watch them play and have some coffee. I'm in the same boat (except with one kiddo instead of 4, I don't know how you do it). I have zero social life and there are days (like yesterday) that I just want to not be responsible for anyone but myself, and I'm not even sure I want to be that responsible. Just for a day, one little measly day off... but it's never gonna happen and in my saner moments I realize that it shouldn't.
I do get to see other adults at work, it's not really the same as a social life but it helps. It's the one thing I'm dreading about summer though, no adult contact whatsoever outside of my family.
You are definitely entitled to a mini-breakdown once in a while. In fact having a series of mini-ones may lighten the pressure so that you can cope better. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this, and I understand your desire to be "just" a grand-daughter.
Is there a chance of putting the little guy in daycare maybe one day or a couple half days a week? He gets the chance to socialize and play with kids his age and you get a chance to breathe, put out fires, and visit with both of your grandparents.
1675 days ago
There has to be play groups in your area or even a mom's fitness group that walks with their kids their stroller.
1675 days ago
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