Friday, April 19, 2013
BIG ALARM BELLS. After my birthday late last month, I could not believe it. That 141 was back on the scale -- just a pound shy of where I was 9 years ago, when I joined Weight Watchers. After just a weekend, I went from 138 back to 141 ! I was there again!
It made sense to be there a month prior. After my hormone -smashing past 12 months. I gave myself some time to grieve, and not worry about my weight. But now, after all that business, after I'd been working out and eating within my range, it didn't make sense anymore. Honestly, sadly, my 2 miscarriages were starting to become my "BUT." You know, that "but," that excuse you hold onto that explains why you aren't like everyone else. Why you can't lose the weight, or do this or that like regular people.
Honestly, that thought made me sick. I couldn't let such an emotional and hormonal trial flatten me. I couldn't flatten THAT trial into just another injury, either. I had to learn something from it. At least come out mentally stronger than I went in.
I've had a lot of medical excuses the past couple years. My arthritis keeps me from racking up the running mileage I used to. My orthopedist said I should not run very often. My shoulder injury kept me from lifting weights like I used to. My pregnancies - when I was in them - were so fragile-feeling, that I was afraid to work out at all.
I gained and gained. But now, 3 months since my last pregnancy ended, I know I have to stop being the victim in my life. It's time to be the HERO again.
I got promoted, and this just gave me more incentive. I DESERVE to be the way I want, to have the life I want. I deserve to exercise as much as I want to. I deserve to buy my groceries at health stores. I am worth investing in myself.
So I started reading Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. I am a huge fan of hers. And, yeah, though I hesitated to spend that money in the past, I just ponied up and bought that baby full-price.
I was starting to lose weight again, but the book has given me a huge boost. Sure, I already knew some of it, but the reinforcement alone is worth $12. And I learned some things too.
I've made a new plan for myself that is suddenly working something for my 2013 body.
I just finally had to realize I am older than the 2008 me. I also have to be less active. I took a look at my weight graph, and zoomed out out WAY out, to where I could see 5 years of data. I looked at what I was eating back at my lowest weight. (1800 calories!) And I looked at what I was burning : ( 2500 to 3000 calories a week!)
Sparkpeople used to freak out when I'd do my training runs, with WARNINGS that I was burning too many calories. I haven't seen those warnings in a very very long time. A lot has happened. My body has come out of a war. And, It is a new era.
The facts: My 2013 me can't eat 1800 calories and maintain 125 lbs. In fact, it can't do it at 1500 calories. My sweet spot with this body (and metabolism) is 1300.
The facts: My injuries mean I can't work out like I used to. That 9 mile long run I used to do on weekend to make up for that cake I ate just is never going to happen. I need more rest days. I need to build up slowly. I need to be OK with a slower pace.
The facts: I'm freaking short. And short people have a very hard time losing weight because we burn less than tall people every day. We have to eat less - hello, 1200 calories, my friend, and do more. And just accept it will take longer.
Those facts are new, and some are rough to accept. I wanted to be fitter and stronger than this at this age. I wanted to be more carefree, less cautious. I wanted to have higher goals than ones I've already met. I wanted different things. But - You just can't control what happens to you.
But you CAN control how you handle it.
I'm feeling jazzed now. i lost 4 lbs in the past 2 weeks. FINALLY I am below 138. Crazy as it sounds, I had almost resigned to my bigger body. I had almost given up because the pounds bounced back so many times. So much faster than I remember them ever happening before, when I was eating the same or less than before.
The truth is, hormonally, metabolically, and even emotionally - I am no longer the 2008 me. I can't eat like that or act like that anymore.
Breaking that 138 plateau has given me hope again. I can see that my body is a Rubik's Cube that keeps shifting around... and I'm figuring it out. I'm a half-step from solving the whole thing. From doing what I thought was impossible.
It feels mighty, mighty good.