Friday, April 19, 2013
I was reading a friend's blog today and she was talking about being on the fence. I really identified with that because that is how I feel lately. I am neither all the way this way (i.e. working out, eating healthy, etc) or all the way that way (i.e. eating out, drinking soda, eating sweets, sleeping all day...) I am half way doing things. And the end result is that I am not moving either forward or back ward. I'm stuck.
The bottom line is I am the one that is keeping myself stuck exactly where I am and that is not where I want to be. I think that I am half way because I am too scared to go back to the old habits and too scared of what may face me ahead. The truth is that being successful comes with it's own responsibilities. What if I am successful and someone depends on me and I let them down? After all, most of my stress eating came from the stress of not doing what I was supposed to do and letting someone else or myself down. I just hate the thought of another person being disappointed in me. The one thing that I have never delt with well is other people being angry with me. It has always been devastating to me and I don't let go of that feeling very easy. Thinking back to my childhood - I can remember clearly the times people were angry or upset with me easier than I can remember the times that people were happy or pleased with something I did. Personal issue - yes.
You know I think it's great to put words to feelings that I have had over the years BUT I wish there was a way to have a blueprint for the actions I need to take to get past all the baggage. I guess that won't happen so I will continue in this struggle and try to overcome the "half way" crisis so I don't end up going back to just sitting in my house all day and sleeping all day because there is nothing better that I have to do.
I don't want to be the girl who fails or the girl who never figured out how to complete things. Half way is just not acceptable anymore.