Friday, April 19, 2013
That's right. My Right Brain Wild Child had a meltdown yesterday.Truth be told, she's still having it. After eating 2000 calories more than my OLD recommended daily allotment over 2 days has left me - the all-emotions right brain side of me - feeling really scared and vulnerable. But I'm supposed to be at maintenance right now - only I know I really want to lose a little more. It's so confusing - which is why Left Brain School Marm is writing this. It's the only thing she knows how to do - make lists, get wordy, open the door for WC to express herself. So. Here goes.
LBSM: Hey there honey. How are you?
RBWC: (gasping deep breathing with little whiny sounds)
LBSM: Hey hey. Come here and let me hold you.
RBWC: (crawls into LBSM's lap)
LBSM: So what's got you so upset?
RBWC: I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared
LBSM: What are you scared of?
RBWC: Do you realize I have eaten all my extra points for the week - and there are 5 days left!?! I'm going to weigh 200 lbs by Tuesday at this rate.
LBSM: No you won't. Besides. You've reached your goal. It's time to start thinking about eating a little more
RBWC: No No I will weigh 400 lbs by next month. Everyone will laugh at me behind my back.
LBSM: No they won't. They won't even be looking at you. You know that.
RBWC: Yes Yes they will. I'll be a failure again and have to wear fat lady clothes and go on a diet and I hate this. Are there any more cheetos? I need cheese!
LBSM: I'm sorry. I thought I'd made a list of things we will do now that we're someplace different. Now that we're at maintenance. I see now, that it wasn't specific enough.
RBWC: No you didn't! You let me buy 4 kinds of cheese and cheetos and cake with frosting and Ben&Jerry's ice cream and champagne and left me all day yesterday, with Himself, who eats bazillion more than I do and always wants company.
LBSM: Yes. I did. I thought I'd talked this over with you. It was our 39th wedding anniversary. And even if Himself didn't want to celebrate, what with all the turmoil about the puppy, I thought you understood that one day of celebration was alright.
RBWC: I HATE celebrations.
LBSM: No you don't. We love them and you know it.
RBWC: I HATE not being sure that I can make it through the celebration safelyt - I need a better plan than just buying a little cake and a pint of ice cream. Once I start eating that stuff I'll eat it all. I need permission to throw away any extra.
LBSM: Okay. You now have permission. Does that help?
RBWC: Yeah. It does.
LBSM: What else would help?
RBWC: I need to know for sure how many points (calories) I can earn and how we're going to do it so that we don't gain any weight this week.
LBSM: LOL You funny thing. I'M the one who usually wants to shove lists at YOU!
RBWC: (cuddling closer to LBSM) I love your lists when they make me feel safe. It's only when they make me feel like a prisoner that I hate them.
LBSM: Well, I certainly want you to feel safe. I will make a new - l o n g e r - list.
LBSM: This weekend
RBWC: What about today? How will I feel safe today? What will you do today?
LBSM: We'll eat salad with Suzanne. No more than 8 points. 400 calories. and only 7 points, or 350 calories for breakfast. And earn 5 points walking out and about.
RBWC: What about the wine tasting with Lisa? I wanna go to that AND I wanna feel safe.
LBSM: We can do that. Two walks and one hour at the circ. desk and finishing up second checking the weeded books will earn those 5 points and you can have your wine with Lisa. I promise - I'll remind you that we're just 'tasting'. We'll still have 12 points or 600 calories left. dinner can be another super salad. You know we just bought all that great fresh stuff. and besides, the farmer's market is tomorrow. We'll be sure to get cash to go shopping with tomorrow and buy More Good Stuff.
RBWC: OH. hmm. yeah. that sounds good.
LBSM: Does it sound safe? Do you feel safe?
RBWC: Hmmm. Safe enough to get through to Saturday. But don't you forget to make my Real Safety List. the one about how to live at Maintenance and all.
LBSM: i won't. And if I do - I am sure you'll remind me, right?
RBWC: LOL Yeah. I will. With Cheetos!
LBSM: Yeah. I thought so. I love you.
RBWC: I love you too.
So you see - I have a WHOLE LOTTA thinking to do to figure out how to navigate into the steady state of maintenance.