Thursday, April 18, 2013
I have so much on my mind...so many things weighing me down...literally and figuratively. I have a hundred things around the house that I need and want to do...but don't have the time and/or money to do most of them. I rarely feel listened to. I'm lonely. I haven't exercised or even eaten well in ages. I miss Gramma so much. Even though she wasn't herself for the past year, I could still hear her voice. I could still tell her I loved her. She's really and truly gone, and accepting that fact is the single most difficult thing I've ever had to wrap my head around. I can't tell which part of me is having the harder time accepting it: my head or my heart. Maybe both. My back has been aching for weeks. My knee(s) have been bothering me. I want to call Gramma and hear her voice. I want to have another two or three-hour phone call like we used to...I want to have laughs. She had this way of repairing any emotional bruises I had. She saw something in me that I often don't...she saw a smart, beautiful, funny, enjoyable friend. She was one of the few people who thought I was just great the way I was. She gave me a strength that no one else ever has. I just hope I was as good a friend to her as she was to me. I know I told her and showed her in many different ways, but I just hope she really and truly knew how important she was to me. I'm not sure what else to say about any of this, so I'll resort to what I usually do when I feel really low...I will remember the things I am currently grateful for...
I am grateful to have a wonderful husband. I'm so glad to have him as a friend. I couldn't get through this without him.
My daughter is fabulous. She sang in her school's talent show and I got to see the entire performance at her school today. She's been talking about trying out for the talent show for a few years now, but always chickens out at the last minute...she doesn't even try out. This year, she tried out and I was sooo proud of her when she did that! Then she won a part in the talent show. I was excited for her at that point. She was OUT.STAN.DING at the talent show today. She sang a beautiful song, and I just couldn't believe that was MY kid up there sounding so wonderful. She is the most beautiful human being I have ever been privileged to know. She is the epitome of a TRUE beauty. She is gorgeous in the ways that matter most: integrity, honesty, forgiveness, loyalty, kindness, sense of humor, and respect, for herself and others. And she is beautiful in the physical ways: she has a healthy body and mind, beautiful brown eyes (I never liked my own brown eyes until the day she was born!), shiny hair, and a lovely smile. She is hard-working, earns good grades in school, she's the kind of kid that is loved by all her teachers, she is the most forgiving person I have ever known, and cares so, so very deeply about others. She is sensational. She just sparkles. I feel so blessed and honored to be her mom.
I absolutely LOVE my job. I really enjoy my co-worker, I work with lots of other nice people, I have a great schedule, I'm making pretty good money, I get paid sick leave and paid annual leave...I'm doing something important and worthwhile and something I'm actually really good at. I'm using my college degree. I got this job a couple of weeks before I actually graduated college and next Tuesday I will have been there for one whole year. It might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is a very big deal. Before (and during) college, I had all kinds of jobs: I made pizzas, I worked retail, I cleaned hotel rooms, I worked at restaurants, offices, schools, etc. When I decided to go to college, I hoped I would find a job right away and I promised myself I would stick with it until they threw me out on my ass. I've stuck with it for a year now....and I am SO proud of myself! College and a year at my first "real" career job...that's a good thing to be proud of :)
I have two really great "anniversaries" coming up next week. On April 21, I will celebrate my 8th year of being SMOKE FREE! I quit smoking cigarettes 8 years ago...I haven't even had a puff. On April 23, I will celebrate my one year anniversary of being at my job. Daughter is celebrating a two month anniversary of an accomplishment of her own on April 23 as well. We have decided to go out to dinner one night next week to celebrate our achievements. I'm grateful to have a family like mine: we encourage one another and delight in each others accomplishments. That makes me feel so good.
I have The Golden Girls on my DVD player right now. These ladies ALWAYS make me feel happy. Gramma was so much like Sophia, in many ways. Their personalities are so similar and they even kind of look the same! So funny. Gramma always said how much she loved their clothes. I think Gramma's favorites were Rose and Sophia, but I know she adored all The Girls.
I'm so grateful to have a Handy Husband. He does all kinds of work around here to improve our home. Every single time I say, "You know, I saw this thing on Pinterest..." he just smiles. He knows I'm going to put him to work but he also knows it's something that will make our space better. The other day, I had to remind him what Red Green said about to-do lists: "You, sir, will never be finished." :) I really appreciate all the hard work he does, both at work and at home. I'm so grateful to have such a good husband and such a good friend. Both are incredibly hard to come by.
I'm grateful that despite all the hard times we went through, my parents and I get along very well. I'm so grateful that they like my husband and that he likes them.
I'm so grateful I have a job where I am off during the summer. I'm grateful that I still have a cleaning business to run during the summer so I can still work a little and make money. Speaking of which, OHMYGOSHISITSUMMERYET?!?!?!?! I am so ready for summer vacation.
I'm growing some seeds and working on starting my garden. I haven't had one in two years (I worked last summer because I'd just gotten my job and I needed to work...I needed money so so so badly). I'm going to have one humdinger of a garden this year, by golly, and I'm going to learn to make apple jelly from my apples....another thing we didn't have last year...apples. We had a cold snap last April, just after the apple trees blossomed. We didn't get a single, solitary apple. Not one, not from any of our trees. The apple trees are currently in full blossom and they are GORGEOUS. Our neighborhood is so pretty in the Springtime. The last of the Canada geese are making their way to the lake up the hill from our house. I always enjoy when they come through twice a year. I feel so grateful to live in such a nice little country town, down a nice little country road, in a nice little country neighborhood.....I'm so grateful for my nice home and my nice life and my nice family and my health and my soft bed and all my fur kids, and my chickens that are so sweet and lay their eggs for us.
"I'm so grateful...for every single moment of my stupid little life." ~Lester Bernham, American Beauty.
I'll be damned. The thought snowball works for positive thoughts as well.