Thursday, April 18, 2013
that isn't much. I usually just drink a whole bottle of wine in one day when I get freaked out by my SO. I think it happens every 10 days or so. That's how I have learned to deal with the stress of constant nagging and put downs from my SO.
He considers every infraction of his rules is a glaring example of my unworthiness and lack of character. He will not commit to me in any way. He lets me live here rent free as long as I act like a wife and cook and clean, etc. But I am not good enough to be his wife. He wants someone who never misplaces her cellphone or purse, operates the coffeemaker to his specifications, leaving it at the proper angle on the counter. Everything he dislikes about me is a petty thing that most people don't notice. He never says anything nice. He has a personality disorder, I think. I learned to take a sip of wine every time he hurt me which could be 100 times a day. If I really press him about our future together he clams up and closes his eyes and acts like he is in a trance. We live in a showcase hacienda on 4 acres. I run the estate and it is very creative. I pay all my own bills except food and rent.
But actually, he said from day one that he wouldn't consider me a serious mate if I did not lose weight. Ten years ago, I thought, I can easily lose 15#. I gained 40# instead. I told him what he needed to do to help me lose, mainly praise my efforts, don't put me down, and pay for me to go to the Oaks occasionally, my favorite fat farm. He did the exact opposite. I think he wants me fat so he won't have to commit. So I have been on this roller coaster for 11 years. He is a multi-millionaire. We are compatible in most important ways, to me. I have to get off the roller coaster, because I totally resent having to care for him in his waning years to be rewarded with nothing. Not even his social security, mine is next to nothing. He doesn't care what happens to me or our family of 12 cats. I need a place to live after he dies where I can move the cats. So I have to go. At my age, 67, I don't want to start over. It's too late, I need to jump right into a new situation. I want to travel, I want to be married and cared for. I am a serial monogamist. Not your usual life, but it has worked for me. However, you cannot manhunt overweight. I really don't mind being overweight, I look really good for 67. But I would have a much greater advantage if I was thin. And I would feel better. And not become a diabetic, and not have my knees replaced like my Mom, and not have heart disease. I hate aerobic exercise, but I think that is my supreme sacrifice. Do it anyway is the only way.