Sabotage? or Cop out?
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Initially, my husband and I started on this ETL plan together...both of us propelled by our own individual struggles with disease...and for my husband, this is a life or death situation. However. IN the past two days he has begun to revert back to some old behaviors...skipping dinner and then snacking to make up the difference. This morning he 'couldn't find" the two containers holding his breakfast and lunch that I'd sat right in the front of the fridge....so he will buy unhealthy alternatives. And he is planning on asking our daughter to bring him a dozen donuts all of which he is planning on consuming himself.
This bothers me. NO. It terrifies me. And it enrages me. Here he has a way to overcome this disease....it's not a difficult path....and he is refusing to stay on it.
And I feel my own ambition to stay focused on eating healthfully is threatened by his failure. It should not be. But somehow I feel less motivated. Less certain...less excited than I was when we both were doing it.
I feel off kilter today. Anxious. unsure of myself.
We have a leak in our basement in a pipe leading to the hot water tank. That is all I needed today.
Last night as I lay awake in anxiety...thinking of all of these things, Ithought of a Psalm. Psalm 69:
"Save me O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire....
I cannot find a foothold.
I am in deep water
And the floods overwhelm me
I am exhausted from crying out for help;
My throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
Waiting for my God to help me.....
....Pull me from these deep waters.
Don't let the floods overwhelm me,
Or the deep waters swallow me
Or the pit of death devour me.
Answer my prayers O LOrd,
For your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
For your mercy is so plentiful.
Don't hide from your servant;
Answer me quickly for I am in deep trouble.
That passage comforted me last night. That's how I felt....In over my head with nothing underneath me firm to stand on. I pray that this passage meets your needs too. God is here. He "rides the winds to help us"
I could get all pumped up about this weight program and psyched and all "I-can-do-it!" But the truth is, I'm completely dependent on God's grace and mercy. If I do this with any success, it will be because HE carried me through. I have no strength of my own.
Circumstances have me and my family pinned to the wall. I can either eat to comfort myself....or eat to improve my situation. The things I can control are small....whether to eat a salad or a Big Mac, I need to take control of the things I CAN control and change the things I CAN change and trust you, LOrd, to give me the strength to do that and leave the results in your hands.
With or with out my husband....I am going to do this.