Wednesday, April 17, 2013
My calories are creeping up again. I should pay attention to that. I should put an end to it, but I just don't have it in me right now. I was feeling exhausted after several months of near fanatical attention to my Sparking. My muscles felt drained. My body didn't want to move any more. AND I was hungry. I was SO hungry. It wasn't cravings either. It was real hunger. It was the kind of hunger that sort of hums in the back of your mind when you have an eating disorder. It's constant. It never goes away. You just learn to live with it.
So, then my job gets put back on the chopping block again. This happens often. Every time some tax-hating, "destroy government waste" person gets a bee in their bonnet, my job gets threatened. My job HELPS people. I actually DO work. But every time "government waste" must be eliminated, folks look at my job...not my supervisor's job (heads up, she does nearly nothing and gets paid five times as much as I do...but nobody ever considers eliminating her), or HER boss (they wouldn't dream of cutting his job, even though he does even less than she does and gets paid even more). So, a service that I provide for veterans, shut-ins, and disabled folks will be cut away...but the people who really waste money will continue collecting their checks. Honestly, the next person who tells me that they want to cut government waste, but doesn't understand what that REALLY means (fellow Americans losing their jobs), will get a kick in the shins.
I probably have about a year left there. Maybe less, depending on how much vitriol the nut with the anti-tax agenda spews in the next couple months. Then I'll be collecting unemployment...which will totally save everyone tax dollars. *Eye roll*
My husband is freaking out, because we can't afford to keep our house if I don't have a job. So, he wants me to start looking for a job now...but I've been looking for a job for years. Heads up everyone...the job market kind of sucks...you may have noticed.
On top of all that, my mother is demanding that I pay more attention for her, AND I help out at a local school as a volunteer...So, I barely get a moment to sit and not be attacked by my friends, family, coworkers, and other assorted loved ones.
Normally, I would be strong. I would tell everyone to back the eff up and let me get my bearings. Then I would attack the problem head on. I would deal with everything and keep moving...but my muscles feel drained. I'm plagued with the constant hum of hunger at the back of my brain. So, I have started eating more.
Here's the part of my blog where I usually tell you Sparkers to keep fighting and to be strong...but I'm not going to this time. I just don't feel it. If there's a Spark in me today, I can't seem to find it.