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LILLIPUTIANNA
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Ranty Rant McRanterton

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My calories are creeping up again. I should pay attention to that. I should put an end to it, but I just don't have it in me right now. I was feeling exhausted after several months of near fanatical attention to my Sparking. My muscles felt drained. My body didn't want to move any more. AND I was hungry. I was SO hungry. It wasn't cravings either. It was real hunger. It was the kind of hunger that sort of hums in the back of your mind when you have an eating disorder. It's constant. It never goes away. You just learn to live with it.

So, then my job gets put back on the chopping block again. This happens often. Every time some tax-hating, "destroy government waste" person gets a bee in their bonnet, my job gets threatened. My job HELPS people. I actually DO work. But every time "government waste" must be eliminated, folks look at my job...not my supervisor's job (heads up, she does nearly nothing and gets paid five times as much as I do...but nobody ever considers eliminating her), or HER boss (they wouldn't dream of cutting his job, even though he does even less than she does and gets paid even more). So, a service that I provide for veterans, shut-ins, and disabled folks will be cut away...but the people who really waste money will continue collecting their checks. Honestly, the next person who tells me that they want to cut government waste, but doesn't understand what that REALLY means (fellow Americans losing their jobs), will get a kick in the shins.

I probably have about a year left there. Maybe less, depending on how much vitriol the nut with the anti-tax agenda spews in the next couple months. Then I'll be collecting unemployment...which will totally save everyone tax dollars. *Eye roll*

My husband is freaking out, because we can't afford to keep our house if I don't have a job. So, he wants me to start looking for a job now...but I've been looking for a job for years. Heads up everyone...the job market kind of sucks...you may have noticed.

On top of all that, my mother is demanding that I pay more attention for her, AND I help out at a local school as a volunteer...So, I barely get a moment to sit and not be attacked by my friends, family, coworkers, and other assorted loved ones.

Normally, I would be strong. I would tell everyone to back the eff up and let me get my bearings. Then I would attack the problem head on. I would deal with everything and keep moving...but my muscles feel drained. I'm plagued with the constant hum of hunger at the back of my brain. So, I have started eating more.

Here's the part of my blog where I usually tell you Sparkers to keep fighting and to be strong...but I'm not going to this time. I just don't feel it. If there's a Spark in me today, I can't seem to find it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KIKIMAV
    Try not to worry much about your future, as sometimes we worry about something too much and then when it happens it is not as bad as we thought it will be, sometimes it is even nice!
    This is for sure a difficult situation you are into, but still you will end after this! And maybe it will take you somewhere great!!
    At any case I wish you good luck with all my heart!

    About sparking...as I see it it is something that is supposed to make you feel better about yourself and happy to be taking good care of your body! But the feeling of hunger you are describing is something very unpleasant that can only make someone unhappy! Where is the spark in that?It is ok, and even admirable to push yourself harder for some period of time , when you feel you can do it, and you are willing to get a little more tired to get the results you want. But at different times of our lives we have different limits!

    I hope you will get some good news quickly!!! emoticon
    1255 days ago
  • DS9KIE
    You just need a break from every one and every thing.

    Well if your hungry just eat some fruits and veggies...just don't eat the junk food.

    Maybe do some running, walking or some invigorating exercise, it might take off some stress

    Ok go out side some where and scream...lol


    1255 days ago
  • LILLIPUTIANNA
    Thanks everyone. Dragging myself to work to day was pretty tough. Dealing with my crazy coworkers was even more difficult. Now I have to go do my volunteer thing in about an hour. BUT I am feeling better.

    After a few days of having to track too many calories, I was sure I was going to gain ten pounds over night. Logically, I know that isn't possible, but that's what I was expecting.

    I am of course exactly the same weight I was a week ago. SO, this has served as a reminder that when we think things are TERRIBLE, sometimes they are nowhere near as bad as we think they are.

    One of my best friends, who is very active in the community and the government, told me to day that he has made it his personal mission to find a job for me that is worthy of my goodness and talent. He's horrified by how I've been treated by those in positions of power over me. Other folks who I have run into during the day have told me how much they appreciate me, and how I deserve better. I guess it pays to be a person who tries to treat others with respect and works hard...even if sometimes it feels otherwise.
    1255 days ago
  • TERMITEMOM
    I agree with what has already been said by your friends: time to take a break, catch your breath and be good to yourself. Unfortunately you have very little control over the events. Nobody has an unlimited reserve of energy. Continue to focus on finding a job, this looks like this needs to be your Number One priority at this time. And vent here - you know that your friends are there for you! emoticon emoticon
    1256 days ago
  • BELLAMEMAW
    It's okay if you're not feeling "Sparky" at the moment - we all go through that. Sounds like you really have your plate full. Are you a list maker? When things become overwhelming for me, I make a list of things that have to be done, what I'd like to do, possible solutions, then just work on the list. It might not always fix the situation but seeing the words helps to put it all into perspective.

    You'll get your spark back. AND there's nothing wrong with lovingly telling anyone to ease up/back off. Just keep looking for a job; that's all you can do for now. It sucks that our lives are sometimes in the hands of others.

    emoticon Pat
    1256 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/18/2013 5:44:30 AM
  • SCOTTSDAME
    emoticon I agree with Natheless , probably time to take a break from being strong. Pull the doona (duvet) over your head for a wee bit, and have some extra food for sh*t's sake- stop being hungry.

    You certainly have enough going on to let go with a good rant, hope it helped somewhat.
    1256 days ago
  • LILLIPUTIANNA
    Thanks NATHELESS. I'm sure I'll snap out of it in a day or two. I promise to be self-indulgent and take lots of naps for the next few days.


    1256 days ago
  • NATHELESS
    Maybe it's time for us to tell you to stay strong. (Though quite honestly I think it's totally valid to decide to take some time off being strong.)

    I'm sorry to hear you sounding so stressed. You've got a lot of big stuff going on there.

    Be gentle and kind with yourself - you deserve it!




    1256 days ago
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