Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Just needing to vent. I just feel so down today. Somedays it's just hard to feel positive about anything.
My boyfriend and I live together. Last week he spent the week in Florida visiting his family. So I missed him... but it was also nice to have some time to myself. This week he is back and it just seems like I am being ignored. Twice this week he has cut me off mid-sentence on the phone to take someone else's call. He never called me back or expressed any interest in continuing our conversation. Today he calls me while I'm at work and says he's going to his cousin's house to visit tonight. He did ask if I wanted to go, but I don't want to get home at 10pm tonight. I have things I have to do at home and for school tonight. So maybe I should feel glad he is gone... but I can't. I feel angry and neglected... but of course this has been building up for a long time.
Monday night we went out to dinner. Now I love spinach/artichoke dip. I have begged him to try this with me in the past and he wouldn't do it. He says he doesn't like artichokes. Well, that night he ordered some to just taste it and see if he liked it or not. He knows I can't have any because I am trying to loose weight and stay under my calorie count each day. Why would he wait until I can't have any to try it in front of me instead of sharing it with me in the past when I have asked him to.
Granted these things all qualify as the "small stuff" that we aren't supposed to sweat right? I don't know why it is bothering me so much... but it is. Then again, it's been building up for a long time.
We have been together for two years and 2 months. He has not so much as kissed me for at least a year and a half. We don't have sex because he is hurt. Right now it's because of his rotator cuff injury. Before that it was because of pain in his legs. He had to have surgery to close up some veins. I am trying to be patient and loving and understanding, but it's getting to me. I don't get why he can't give me a real kiss even if he isn't able to do anything else.
Everytime I try to talk to him he either gets angry and threatens to leave, threatens to kill himself, or he starts talking about how he doesn't deserve me and how horrible he is so that I will feel guilty for even saying anything. Seems he does anything but discuss the issues with me and care about how I feel or talk about possible ways to make some changes.
Last time I said something to him about my feelings being hurt because he put a wooden toy chest together for his cousins wife while I have been waiting for 2 months for him to fix the coat rack that he broke when he fell on it- he yelled at me "I'm sorry I hurt your damn feelings!" So I don't feel like I can tell him anything. I feel like my feelings are nothing but a burden to him... like I would be the perfect girl if only I didn't FEEL.
I have asked and asked about going to counseling, but he says we can't afford it. But when he gets money he blows it on a bunch of stuff... like guns, a new radio for his truck, new boots, just whatever he has been wanting. I just want to matter... and I'm really not feeling like I do. He hugs me all the time, says he loves me, and kisses me on the cheek. But this isn't enough to make me feel like I am in a relationship... a real relationship- a partnership with someone who values me for who I am.
There are so many other things that are bothering me... but I can't list them all here tonight. It would take way too long. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest so I can attempt to think clearly enough to do my homework and some laundry.
Ever feel like you need to cry...like your soul is crying on the inside of you... but you can't bring it to the surface and let it out? This is how I feel tonight. Hoping that tomorrow is better.