It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Just needing to vent. I just feel so down today. Somedays it's just hard to feel positive about anything.

My boyfriend and I live together. Last week he spent the week in Florida visiting his family. So I missed him... but it was also nice to have some time to myself. This week he is back and it just seems like I am being ignored. Twice this week he has cut me off mid-sentence on the phone to take someone else's call. He never called me back or expressed any interest in continuing our conversation. Today he calls me while I'm at work and says he's going to his cousin's house to visit tonight. He did ask if I wanted to go, but I don't want to get home at 10pm tonight. I have things I have to do at home and for school tonight. So maybe I should feel glad he is gone... but I can't. I feel angry and neglected... but of course this has been building up for a long time.

Monday night we went out to dinner. Now I love spinach/artichoke dip. I have begged him to try this with me in the past and he wouldn't do it. He says he doesn't like artichokes. Well, that night he ordered some to just taste it and see if he liked it or not. He knows I can't have any because I am trying to loose weight and stay under my calorie count each day. Why would he wait until I can't have any to try it in front of me instead of sharing it with me in the past when I have asked him to.

Granted these things all qualify as the "small stuff" that we aren't supposed to sweat right? I don't know why it is bothering me so much... but it is. Then again, it's been building up for a long time.

We have been together for two years and 2 months. He has not so much as kissed me for at least a year and a half. We don't have sex because he is hurt. Right now it's because of his rotator cuff injury. Before that it was because of pain in his legs. He had to have surgery to close up some veins. I am trying to be patient and loving and understanding, but it's getting to me. I don't get why he can't give me a real kiss even if he isn't able to do anything else.

Everytime I try to talk to him he either gets angry and threatens to leave, threatens to kill himself, or he starts talking about how he doesn't deserve me and how horrible he is so that I will feel guilty for even saying anything. Seems he does anything but discuss the issues with me and care about how I feel or talk about possible ways to make some changes.

Last time I said something to him about my feelings being hurt because he put a wooden toy chest together for his cousins wife while I have been waiting for 2 months for him to fix the coat rack that he broke when he fell on it- he yelled at me "I'm sorry I hurt your damn feelings!" So I don't feel like I can tell him anything. I feel like my feelings are nothing but a burden to him... like I would be the perfect girl if only I didn't FEEL.

I have asked and asked about going to counseling, but he says we can't afford it. But when he gets money he blows it on a bunch of stuff... like guns, a new radio for his truck, new boots, just whatever he has been wanting. I just want to matter... and I'm really not feeling like I do. He hugs me all the time, says he loves me, and kisses me on the cheek. But this isn't enough to make me feel like I am in a relationship... a real relationship- a partnership with someone who values me for who I am.

There are so many other things that are bothering me... but I can't list them all here tonight. It would take way too long. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest so I can attempt to think clearly enough to do my homework and some laundry.

Ever feel like you need to cry...like your soul is crying on the inside of you... but you can't bring it to the surface and let it out? This is how I feel tonight. Hoping that tomorrow is better.

God Bless!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUMMER2203
    i think that everyone has given you really smart advice. like everyone else has said, i dont know the ins and outs of your relationship. but i think there comes a point where you have to honestly weigh whether your relationship makes you more happy than it does sad/upset....as simply as that. sometimes loving somebody makes it hard to make this distinction, but it is worth really thinking about. this is your life, and you deserve to enjoy it.
    1766 days ago
  • BAKER1009
    First - why would someone comment "nice blog"?! Ugh, people.

    I am so sorry that all of this is weighing on you. It sounds like he certainly has some issues that he needs to work on. But it also sounds like he is depending on you, in a big way. Could he afford to live on his own? Just curious.

    I know you love him, but if he can't respect you enough to talk with you and work with you, then maybe your relationship has come to an end? I just know that you're a beautiful person and you do not deserve to be held back by someone who doesn't love you for who you are and hold you to a certain level of awesomeness.

    Vent to us anytime if it helps you. We're here for you!!

    P.S. Nikki might be onto something with the idea that he's depressed. If he's injured, that could sure be part of the problem. But it's not your problem if he won't talk to you about it.
    1774 days ago
    I agree with Nikki, but in all honesty I had a relationship similar to this, and I ended up raped and thrown across the room into a wall. There might be something else going on, so just don't assume things. Some people just aren't that into sex and kissing, and it sounds like with his medical problems, that could be a factor or side effect of a drug. I know I have no desire to kiss or anything (but that's just me). But I have to say I agree with Nikki, I think it's time for the talk. Then maybe moving on. I don't know you well enough to say much, and if I did same something that offended you, I'm sorry. (I know I read some of my comments, screaming YOU DON'T KNOW ME...). Just try not to let it get too you (easier said, than done). But really, you need to talk with him...because some of his behavior is screaming "abuser" to us that know the warning signs.

    Hoping for the best for you!
    1774 days ago
    Okay - I don't know the best way to say this but your boyfriend might want to get some help with his depression. Or at least it sounds like he is a little depressed to me by his actions. Maybe resentful over something he can't change or has no control over ... Men are fixers...or so I've been told. I just know that when I get down and depressed or feel like I can't express the way I feel because, I believe that no one will understand, so my first reaction is push the person away. Anyways - honey if it's only been 2 years and a couple months you may need to re evaluate your relationship. Do whats good for you. Don't hold yourself back in life and miss out on its gifts for waiting on the possibility of some one changing. If he is not willing to get help or listen to your concerns and acknowledge them, then that's just not a fight that you will want to deal with for the next however many years you spend with him.

    The world is your oyster! Go and get it girl!

    Nikki :)
    1774 days ago
    Don't ignore your feelings, you matter. emoticon I hope and pray that things get better.
    1774 days ago
    Only the two of you know the true ins and outs of your relationship... but you should never be scared to express how you feel to the person you love. You sound like a giving girlfriend :) and you need to feel loved, just as much you need to give love. Nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself :) I hope tomorrow IS better. Good luck :)
    1774 days ago
  • AJB121299
    nice blog
    1774 days ago
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