Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Not just a difficult day but also a difficult beginning of the week. First the bombing in Boston on Patriots' Day and the Boston Marathon. That threw me for a loop as I remembered the shock that I felt when I learned of Ed's attack and knew that I would have to make the hardest decision of my life. Then the overwhelming sadness as I knew that he was gone from my life here on earth.
Then yesterday afternoon I learned that my friend who has a rare form of cancer and was operated on yesterday was closed up and still has the tumor intack as it is now inoperable. The last we were told was that there is no radiation or chemo to shrink the tumor. Supposedly it was slow growing but it hasn't been and should have been removed when she asked the dr. to several months ago. It seems that her family and friends will now stand by helplessly and watch her fade from our lives until she is with us no more.
With the combination of the two things I am feeling abandoned by the man whom I loved so much, by the God whom I love so much, and by any sense of sanity in the world. I am encompassed, filled, and overcome by this sense of having been abandoned.
It is getting time to think of fixing dinner and I don't want to think about it much less prepare anything and I don't want to go out to get something either. The abandoned feeling and sadness are leaving me totally unmotivated and practically unable to do anything except cry and cry.
I looked outside a while ago and saw the mums that Ed had planted the day he was striken and the pansies that he was going to plant but my cousin's husband planted while I was at the hospital and the lonliness and emptiness and feeling of abandonment was overwhelming.
I know that Ed didn't abandon me. He would not have chosen to leave when he did. He was enjoying life and planning our anniversary party too much to have chosen that time to die but the feeling is still there.
I know that God hasn't abandoned me yet the feeling is still within me. I know that Jesus even felt abandoned when he called out to the Father" My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" ; so, I am thinking that this is a natural progression of the grief and pain.
Natural and a progression it might be but it is certainly difficult and painful!
Lord, God, Father, I confess that I feel abandoned as if by taking my beloved husband you took Your love from me too. I confess that by allowing the bomber to be successful in Boston I wonder why you allow such terror. I confess that I don't understand why Christa has such a terrible disease and why you have allowed this hopelessness into her life and the lives of her family and her friends. Lord, I , my friends, my country need comfort and I pray that you will provide it. Amen