Wednesday, April 17, 2013
No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew. Albert Einstein
Today is my 9th day binge free and I'm really pleased. I've been reading Brain Over Binge, learning so much about how to finally recover from binge eating, and I'm feeling very free from this 31 year issue. One thing the book taught me is that restricting my caloric intake is one of the causes of urges to binge.
So, after several days of consideration, I decided to increase my calories. I added in foods I love, in portions that satisfy me. This doesn't mean gluttony at all. I'm lucky I love healthy foods and I love to get hungry for my meals. But while reading the book, it dawned on me that eating 1500 calories/day is just too low for me. I'm an extremely active person. I work out daily for around 80 minutes, I'm up at 4AM each day, I'm a teacher and am on my feet, and then I run around after my 8 year old once work is done. And I have to say that the added calories have felt wonderful. I enjoy my meals, feel sated but not overly full, get hungry for my next meal in a reasonable time, etc. And no urges to binge! Amazing. It's like I'm having my nuts and eating them too (I don't eat sugar but used to binge all the time on nuts, now I'm incorporating them into my meals in a more generous way).
At the same time, when weighing in this morning, old demons reared their ugly heads. I am up a pound or so and the fear that this new way of eating is not working came right back. I found myself saying, "Uh oh, you are gaining weight. You better go back to 15oo calories right away! This isn't working."
But I calmed down and reminded myself that I've tried the diet/binge cycle for 31 years. I've lost and gained 5-20 pounds over and over again during this time, about 1-2x/year. And it's never worked. Every time I lost the weight, I'd say that it would be the last time, then I'd gain it all back with binges.
Geneen Roth always says that "for every diet, there is an equal and opposite binge". And every time I heard her say that, I'd say, "She's right, but I'm going to make this time different." And then the binging came back.
So I'm going to get back to focusing on all the NSV's that come with living binge free:
I have energy all day for my life
My moods are stable
I'm able to care for my daughter and sick husband with clarity
I sleep better
I wake up hungry
I enjoy all of my meals and snacks fully because I'm hungry for them
I get to eat dinner with my daughter each night because I'm not too full from a binge
I go to bed on time because I'm not full from a binge
I don't experience the post-binge hangovers, bloating, sick stomach and guilt
I don't experience the post-binge self hatred, anger, disgust, etc.
I'm sure there are more but you get the idea.
I'm going to do my best to trust in this process. I'm going to believe that even if my weight goes up a bit at first, it will stabilize and settle down once my body sees that for the first time in 31 years, I'm giving it a consistent and stable amount of calories.
Here is to choosing a saner path and soaking in the pleasure of it all.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."