I had a HUGE a-ha this morning, and I don't know what to do with it.
My husband noticed that I had been eating yummy food lately, not just healthy, but GOOD. He also had seen me working out, be it in 10-20 minute bursts. I made the mistake of letting him know I 'd lost 13 pounds and he asked "How?". I told him about SP...how excited I am and how helpful the site is, and how hopeful I am, etc. Good thing, right? Wrong.
He "did it with me" for a week or so and lost 4 pounds himself, but of course "My Fitness Pal" is better 'cause it ADDS calories allowed to eat due to exercise, blah, blah, blah. Our son came home from college this weekend and we had our Easter Dinner late...cause I was out of town that day and no one else would cook it, etc. My dear husband put on a few pounds...so did I.
I've felt almost compulsive about my eating the past 4 days. Last night before bed he asked, "Are you still doing that Spark People Thing?" When I said yes he said, "Great, cause I need to get back on it, and I do better when someone else does it with me." THAT moment was when I had my epiphany:
I don't WANT to do SP, IF I have to do it FOR someone else. I mean, a BIG part of my weight gain has been because there are so many people in my life I have to take care of and 'carry'. So much so that I feel I have to BE BIGGER to carry them all, or they will suck me dry. Doing 'that SP thing' WITH or FOR someone else takes all the JOY and SELF-CARE out of my efforts and turns them into CARE-TAKING someone else.
I just want to cry.
I feel so robbed. I gotta get around this hurdle. I guess SEEING is the first step, but I feel caught.
HOW do I emotionally turn this back into ME taking CARE OF ME? How do I tell my dear husband to take care of himself? I can't carry him. I am so TIRED.
And so I cry the cosmic, "HELP".