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I Cried Today :(

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I've been at this healthy journey since January. I have lost 35 lbs, lost inches, and dropped sizes. I thought I had my eye opening moment already. Well I was wrong. That moment came today.

I was cleaning out my closet, taking out clothes that are too big for me to wear now. It was a great feeling trying on jeans and seeing that they don't fit. I ended up with 3 pairs of jeans and have to get rid of 8. But that is not what made me cry.

I took a pair of jean capris off from the shelf and checked the size. They were a 23/24 in plus sizes. Shock came over my face. I vaguely remember buying a pair of jean capris last year that were snug and my husband suggested to get a bigger size. This had to be them. I reluctantly put them on, took a look in the mirror and burst into tears. They were super big on me but that didn't matter. What should have been a happy moment for me was one riddled with shame.

How could I let myself get that big? How could I think it was okay to just "get a bigger size"? Why didn't I see the damage I had done to myself? Why didn't I wake up sooner and make a change?

I don't know why. I don't have the answer. I know what I need to do now. I need to stay on this journey and keep losing weight and living healthy. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF GET LIKE THAT AGAIN!

I had my daughter take a picture of me in those way too big capris. I need it as a permanent reminder that I will not go back down that road again. That road of shame is behind me.

I remembered that there is a picture of me on my FB page wearing those capris. I was taken 8/31/12. I was much larger then and even though I look happy I know I wasn't.

I'm going to post both pictures and with the end of this blog say bye bye to the old Amy.

August 31, 2012 size 23/24 capris

April 16, 2013 now size 20 jeans wearing size 23/24 capris

**Please excuse my house shirt & slippers in the above pic emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RN2B77
    This blog really hit home : ( I also don't know how I let myself get as big as I am now. I am very ashamed and embarrassed by it : (

    You are doing great now though, and should be so proud! Plus you are an inspiration to many of us!! Thank you!!! emoticon
    1793 days ago
    Thank you all for the nice comments and for stopping bye. emoticon
    1797 days ago
    I sometimes think that way, too - how could I have let this happen? Mostly though I feel good that I am working on this now. I hope you can forgive yourself, and focus on the present and future. You are catching it while you are still young. Just think of all the years ahead you have to enjoy your health, your husband, and your daughter. emoticon
    1797 days ago
    Sitting here reading your blog brings tears to my eyes because it took awhile for me to realize that I was buying bigger clothes even though I DID NOT NEED to. They were comfortable and I saw no fault in it... but then eventually I just grew into them, getting bigger and bigger until I realized what I had done. My highest weight put me in at 26's, I have gotten down to 22/24 depending on brands. It is just awful the mindsets we have until it gets so bad. Thank you for sharing this moment. emoticon emoticon
    1797 days ago
    You go girl! emoticon
    1797 days ago
    emoticon realisation, I found, came in waves and still does. I've been backsliding and had better get moving again - your journey has helped to re-inspire me. Let's do this emoticon
    1797 days ago
    Great job. Keep up the good work.
    1797 days ago
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