Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I don't know what is going on with my hormones or ovaries but I am feeling some baby fever!
I just told Derrell that on the phone and his shocked silence made me crack up laughing. He has brought up the idea of babies before and I have always said that we need to enjoy being married for a while and work on increasing the income before we consider it. So for me to be saying it, all he could do was respond with a "Wow."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it is my mind's way of letting me know I am emotionally ready to parent again after losing my daughter to a terminal illness three years ago. I know for sure that I am mentally and emotionally healthy enough to entertain the idea and just six to eight months ago I could honestly say I was not.
I keep envisioning Derrell as a dad and its like I immediately start ovulating.
(I am a frequent TMI offender). I am just so excited because I know he is going to be an amazing daddy and I am eager to show our children a healthy African American marriage. I didn't have that growing up. In my community, it is not that we don't have healthy relationships. Quite the contrary. We tend to be really conservative with how we view relationships in that we could be with the same person for years upon years, living together and raising children, but never get married. That was my parents. They were together through high school up until my mom was 25 and on and off for years after that. My aunt was with her kids dad for 14 years. My brother was with his kids mom for 15 years. Not a single wedding. It doesn't mean we don't get married but it is just different in our community and I want my kids to see a God-fearing couple who are in love with each other and passionate about our relationship.
Realistically, it is probably not the time. We get married in less than 5 months and we need to spend time with each other as husband and wife because kids AND marriage change the relationship dynamic. My boss also recently told me that she wants to move me to a Vice President role by this time next year and I want to make sure I am committed to getting there because ultimately that will benefit my family. I can't do that pregnant; I have a medical condition that requires me to go on bed-rest at week 10 of gestation through term (Severely incompetent cervix). My pregnancies are not something that "just happen", they must be planned because it takes a village to keep me pregnant.
Knowing all of these things, I know I need to wait but I can't shake the desire to feel a kick in my tummy or to hear a baby crying.