Tuesday, April 16, 2013
That's what I told my husband yesterday: "I miss bread."
This past week and a half has been really stressful for me. I was feeling very down, and school has just been piling more and more on top of me. I felt like I couldn't handle it all, and all I wanted to do was hide away and eat a loaf of bread, then down some chips, and maybe finish all that off with some cookies.
But because of my plan, I couldn't do any of that. I have told myself that I will follow this plan, and have made it the law for myself. That sounds harsh, but I know that in the beginning I can't give myself any leeway, or I'll never make it. And so I didn't have any of it, and I felt a little miserable, and thus I made that statement to my hubby.
And he told me, "I'm sorry... but you're doing such any amazing job at losing weight. You'll have bread again someday, but right now you're focusing on getting healthy and losing weight, right?"
And he's right, I will have bread again someday, but not until I can see it as it really is: just bread. Because when I said that I miss bread, I think what I really meant was I miss running away from my problems and avoiding thinking about the future, and using food as a security blanket rather than a source of energy. Now that I no longer let myself eat food for emotional reasons, it means that the only way I have to deal with problems is to, well, actually deal with them. Or to accept that some things are beyond my power, and be okay with that.
It's hard. I'm nowhere close to being able to do all that. But without hiding behind food I'm trying, and I believe that I will be able to do it. So in the meantime, when I moan about missing bread and cookies and all those unhealthy foods, I'm probably really saying that it's hard to change, it's hard to look forward instead of running away, but I'm trying. And I think I can really do it this time.