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Long, long time

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Its been a long, long time since I logged into Spark and wrote a blog entry. I went back and read my last entry with wonder, amazement, and deep sadness. I've come a long way since I last wrote. So much has changed. How do I put it, in brief?

I am still in Kenya, although I have been back to the USA twice since I last wrote. Bernhard, whom I once called my best friend, the same man who brought me to Kenya, died last summer from a pulmonary embolism. Sadly we'd had a falling out and weren't speaking by that time. Its very painful to know that he died before we had a chance to resolve our differences.

Around the same time I wrote that last blog entry, I met a new man, and I fell in love. I went back to the USA in August, but I returned to Kenya in by the end of September, and in October, I married Ishmael. We made our home in his birthplace, a small rural village in Western Kenya. Through out all this I continued to lose weight slowly and steadily, although I had no scales to track my progress with. In June 2012 I paid 5 shillings to weigh myself on a public scale, and discovered I was at my lowest weight ever - 185 lbs. A total of 130 lbs lost. Then something truly miraculous happened. I got pregnant. I don't know if I ever blogged about it before, but I wasn't supposed to be able to GET pregnant again. (I have one biological son, but my second son is adopted.) But, April 2nd, 2013 I gave birth to a perfect, healthy baby girl! My precious new daughter, Patricia!

I named my daughter Patricia, after my mother, who passed away on January 24th. She had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Christmas Eve, but we thought we had time... at least 3 - 6 months. But she went in for surgery to insert a stent in her pancreas. The surgery went great, but then she got pnemonia. Three months turned into three days, and she was gone. I was already in the process of trying to get tickets home to see her, but I couldn't get there in time.

Right now, I don't know what my weight is. I last weighed myself when I was 9 months pregnant and at home in the USA at 215 lbs. A set of bathroom scales is on my wish list of things to buy. Physically I have recovered beautifully from childbirth, but emotionally I'm really struggling. I think its a bit more than just the post-pardom blues... I think I put off processing my mother's illness and death so that I could focus on having this baby. Now that baby has arrived safe and sound all the other stuff I put off for the last few months has come pouring down on me.

My mom's death and the birth of my new baby have really brought home to me the importance of taking care of my body and my health. I always thought, "If something happens to me, my mom will take care of my kids." Now my mom is gone. I'm all they've got. I've been thinking about that a lot as I have been awake all night every night with little Patricia, and that's what eventually made me remember Spark People, and decide to log back in for the first time in nearly two years.

The picture I'm posting was taken when I was seven months pregnant,along with my husband, Ishmael.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand putting off or ignoring the grieving process all too well. My father was diagnosed with throat cancer in October of last year. He was told he had 6 months. My mother, sister, and i traveled from Vancouver to Kelowna to say our goodbyes days before my preceptorship began. He passed away November 22, 3 days after my 37th birthday. So i was dealing with my final clinical for my nursing degree, planning a funeral, and dealing with my own family (4 kids) at home. It's been 4 1/2 months and the smallest things still set me off. Now i'm planning my wedding and the fact that he won't be there tears me up inside. The loss of a parent is such a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when it's from such a horrible thing as cancer. I guess all we can do is move forward and hope that the pain dulls. Hugs to you from someone who knows what it's like.
    1677 days ago
    WOW, Hope,

    Great to hear from you. I can't believe two years have gone by! Congratulations on your marriage and baby girl. Such exciting life changes! And your weight loss -- almost half your body gone! You are amazing.

    So sorry to hear about the death of your mom and that you were unable to reconcile with your friend before his death. The Boston Marathon bombing this week really showed the preciousness of life.

    Be well, my friend. I pray that the baby blues will pass soon.
    emoticon emoticon
    1677 days ago
    WOW!! You both look happy!! CONGRATS on Patricia!!! I bet she is a beauty emoticon

    Sorry to hear of your recent losses - but happy to read you recognize that you put off the mourning of the loss of your Mom and it's not PPD!! This is your first step to true healing and taking care of YOU, while you take care of that little one and hubby! Try to focus on those great memories of your Mom when you are feeling down!

    Take care...and post back when you can!!!

    Kelley (MIH'er)
    1678 days ago
    Glad to see your back.. congrats on your new life.. and new baby..
    1678 days ago
    First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy that you have found a loving partner and had a new baby. Wow, wow, WOW! You both look so radiant and beautiful. Your daughter must be an amazing beauty.

    On the flip side, I am sorry to hear that you lost your mother. That is a very hard loss; I can only imagine that you are still reeling from that.

    So nice to have you back. I've been wondering about you and am pleased to hear that along with some of the hardest things we have to confront in life, the loss of our parents, you have also been experiencing some of the best things in life; love and a new baby.

    Sweet kisses to Patricia!
    1679 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/16/2013 7:07:07 PM
    you look amazing! congrats on your new marriage and baby. i cant imagine your pain at losing your mother, ((hugs))
    1679 days ago
    Wow , Hope, you look amazing! What a long journey you've had since your last blog. I've thought (and worried) about you many times!
    I'm sorry for your losses, and I hope you can find the peace and resolution you so deserve.
    So great to hear from you! My eyes popped when I saw your name on my friend feed!
    How wonderful to have found your love and life in Kenya. Congrats on the baby! Does your son still live with you in Kenya or is he in the States?
    I hope it's not another two years until we hear from you again!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1679 days ago
    It's wonderful to see you back here again, congratulations on your marriage and your baby girl!!

    I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and your friend. We're still here to help you in any way we can.
    1679 days ago
    Oh my goodness Hope, you have really been through a lot. I am so glad that you got back on spark to report in. You have been thought about often!
    I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your Mom and your friend, and so happy to her of your marriage and birth and weight loss!
    Your healthy is so important. I do hope that you continue on your healthy journey. You are worth it and so is your family. You can't do for them if you aren't not doing for yourself! You have to be at the top of your priority list. I know that sounds selfish, but your family will reap the rewards!

    Love and Hugs to You and Yours!
    1679 days ago
    OMG, so glad to hear and see yuou again. You look fabulous. Congratulations on Patricia...a perfect name and although not born on the 3rd of April, a perfect date, April is a fantastic month as well. Grief is a hard thing and everyone heals and deals with it in there own way. Hang in there and you too will survive. emoticon
    1679 days ago
    Congratulations on your baby girl and I hope she gives you delight always.
    I'm sorry to hear about your mother passing as well as your friend. It's hard to lose those we love and care about.
    You're a strong person and you'll get thru this. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1679 days ago
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