Tuesday, April 16, 2013
So, my best friend from high school visited this weekend. Great, right? Unfortunately, not so much. It was a good weekend on the surface. Dana came on Friday, we had lunch at Panera, worked on organizing my closet (she's the queen of organizing), had happy hour and then dinner with my friends, and call it a night. Saturday we explored a local farmers' market, grabbed breakfast, picked up my crop share, shopped a little bit, went home and cooked a lot, organized a ton more, and stayed up late talking like we used to when we were in high school. Sunday we organized a bit, had lunch, and she left. Sounds fun. I wish. I mean on the surface it was, but there was this undercurrent of judgement.
Dana is super little, very petite. She recently started eating healthy and lost a lot of weight. When I say eating healthy I mean almost restrictive, she doesn't let herself splurge at all, no carbs, lean proteins, lots of veggies, no deviation. I tend to eat healthy, but fell off the wagon the past, oh, 10 days or so. I posted a huge gain last week and felt really bad about that anyway, but every time I would choose to eat a larger portion than her, or had a sandwich instead of a salad with my soup she made little comments. I don't think she meant them to be judgemental, but they felt that way. I would be little things like "Oh I don't eat sandwiches anymore, I've cut out carbs" but said with an undertone (possibly inferenced incorrectly on my part) of "you should too, you'd lose so much weight".
Then there was the clothing...since we were organizing my closet I was trying clothes on to only hand up clothing that fits. I felt like she was repulsed by my weight and clothing size. I could be wrong of course, she didn't say anything directly, but it was just this feeling/tension in the air.
A few weeks ago I was happy with myself, I was proud of my progress, glad that I had started running, and I had a plan of what I needed to do. Then I injured my ankle and it hasn't healed which has severely limited my exercise (to almost none). I posted a huge weight, and now I feel like my best friend is judgemental instead of supportive. I am feeling incredibly awful about myself. I'm in a place emotionally I haven't been for a very long time and I don't know how to climb out of it.
I made a good choice for breakfast this morning, I know I did. However, all I can think is "I should have been eating like this for weeks, you know what to do, why did you screw up?"