Tuesday, April 16, 2013
It's taken me a long time to get back to wanting to change my life. So much is happening right now and sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. Sometimes that means I just give up on it all. But then there are days when I remember that life is pretty darn good in my little world. I have a husband who I can honestly say I love more today than the day I met him, and he would say the same about me. We've gotten rid of toxic people in our lives. We both love our jobs and the money is just fine. We have a roof over our heads that we can call our own. Our families are healthy. We are healthy. What else do I need?
But I do struggle. It's occurred to me recently that I've been on SP for over 6 years. I have not reached my goal weigh or even been close to it. I've actually gained over 30 pounds since starting. I had a lot on my plate, I know, but that ended last June when I graduated from Vet school. I now work 3.5 days a week (full time) and should have all of the time in the world to reach my goals. But I am consumed by this obsession: baby. We've been trying for almost 4 years. We've had two miscarriages. We've done a lot of testing and found out a lot of useful information. But we still do not have a baby. My husband seems ok with it. I think if we never had a kid, he'd find a way to live with that. I can't. I want that baby. All I can do is keep trying. We'll be seeking help from a reproductive endocrinologist this year (probably in a few months once I get an appointment). I'd like to try IUI with injectables and move on to IVF in January if that doesn't work. A lot of my testing is normal and I know where my problem lies: low progesterone and delayed ovulation causing poor egg quality once it is released. My acupuncturist wants to try a new herbal formula to try to get me to ovulate earlier. Regardless of how it happens, I'll have that baby. It's just been a long road without an end in sight and I'm getting tired.
I don't know what I need to do to find the spark and lose the weight. I know I need to track my food. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to have more will-power. I know all of this. But even though I want it so badly, maybe I don't want it enough? Maybe wanting a baby is taking precedence over wanting to lose weight? I just don't have the energy anymore to WANT so much, to YEARN for so much. It is exhausting.
I just have to do it. I have to get on this site every day. I have to log my food every day whether I ate 1200 calories or 3200 calories. I have to be honest with where I am. I have to be open to change. I have to be kinder to myself. I have to give myself credit when it's due and pick myself up when I falter. No more wallowing. No more wishing. Doing. Just doing it every day, a second at a time, a minute at a time, an hour and a day at a time. Slowly. Just do it.