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10,000-14,999 SparkPoints 11,880

276 - a break but I'm back

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

It's taken me a long time to get back to wanting to change my life. So much is happening right now and sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. Sometimes that means I just give up on it all. But then there are days when I remember that life is pretty darn good in my little world. I have a husband who I can honestly say I love more today than the day I met him, and he would say the same about me. We've gotten rid of toxic people in our lives. We both love our jobs and the money is just fine. We have a roof over our heads that we can call our own. Our families are healthy. We are healthy. What else do I need?

But I do struggle. It's occurred to me recently that I've been on SP for over 6 years. I have not reached my goal weigh or even been close to it. I've actually gained over 30 pounds since starting. I had a lot on my plate, I know, but that ended last June when I graduated from Vet school. I now work 3.5 days a week (full time) and should have all of the time in the world to reach my goals. But I am consumed by this obsession: baby. We've been trying for almost 4 years. We've had two miscarriages. We've done a lot of testing and found out a lot of useful information. But we still do not have a baby. My husband seems ok with it. I think if we never had a kid, he'd find a way to live with that. I can't. I want that baby. All I can do is keep trying. We'll be seeking help from a reproductive endocrinologist this year (probably in a few months once I get an appointment). I'd like to try IUI with injectables and move on to IVF in January if that doesn't work. A lot of my testing is normal and I know where my problem lies: low progesterone and delayed ovulation causing poor egg quality once it is released. My acupuncturist wants to try a new herbal formula to try to get me to ovulate earlier. Regardless of how it happens, I'll have that baby. It's just been a long road without an end in sight and I'm getting tired.

I don't know what I need to do to find the spark and lose the weight. I know I need to track my food. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to have more will-power. I know all of this. But even though I want it so badly, maybe I don't want it enough? Maybe wanting a baby is taking precedence over wanting to lose weight? I just don't have the energy anymore to WANT so much, to YEARN for so much. It is exhausting.

I just have to do it. I have to get on this site every day. I have to log my food every day whether I ate 1200 calories or 3200 calories. I have to be honest with where I am. I have to be open to change. I have to be kinder to myself. I have to give myself credit when it's due and pick myself up when I falter. No more wallowing. No more wishing. Doing. Just doing it every day, a second at a time, a minute at a time, an hour and a day at a time. Slowly. Just do it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I feel like the fitbit has encouraged me so much this year. I havent really lost any weight but I try to get in 10k steps it feels like I am doing something even if the day goes to crap. I am so happy to see you back! If I can help encourage you, please let me know. I am always here if u need me.
    1225 days ago
    It's sometimes hard to get to the point where we don't have to be perfect but you have to in order to ultimately win. I'm always disappointed when I have a day that I mess up because I know it won't move me closer to my goal but I also know that I can't be perfect. Some days are destined to be less than perfect days but I no longer think of them as failure days.. I'm changing my attitude. I'm celebrating small victories. I used to see people set goals and they would have 5 really good goals. I would feel compelled to set goals too and would have 20 things on my list. Talk about a recipe for failure!! LOL. I try to not to see things now in a "pass or fail" mode. Today I slept well so that is reason to celebrate. I ate breakfast on plan - also great. Most of my lunch was on plan - pretty good really. (Ramen Noodles are not health food but eating them occasionally will not kill me.) I got a lot of exercise and work in today - great. And my snack will be healthy. So all in all I'm not doing all that bad considering that I used to sleep little, eat no breakfast, have a Whopper, large fry, and large coke for lunch or something similar, have an entire pizza for supper, then have a bag of M&Ms. a Special Dark Candy Bar, a package of peanut butter filled crackers, a package of cheese and pretzel sticks, a fiber one bar, a bag of potato chips, etc. Yes, all in one day! OMG- I am almost perfect now!!! LOL. Rest assured, that you are pretty darned perfect too!
    1226 days ago
    As I redscovered tonight in a long, almost loud discussion with my wife, we don't have to be perfect. And maybe it's kind of "stupid" that we try to be. That's my message for the night. Glenn
    1227 days ago
    You can do it!!
    1227 days ago
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