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A Shallow Motivation is Good Enough

Monday, April 15, 2013

I remember the day fairly clearly that I rolled over 200lbs. I was 18 years old, a senior in a high school in Missouri. I remember stepping on the scale and it was like 197lbs, and I was so freaked out. I promised myself I'd NEVER be one of *those* people that would get over 200lbs. A couple weeks later I saw the scale roll to 201lbs. I was defeated. It's been 9 years since then, and my heaviest was 271lbs that I know of. How far I've fallen :( I'm 205lbs now, and so.. so so .. so close to going back under where I haven't seen since I was a kid!
I calculate everything. If I’m right, by the end of my DietBet.com bet I might actually see the Onderland I’m so desperate to see. People sometimes say “I wish I could be a kid again, and have no worries and play all day..” I want to be 15 or 16 again. I want to be 160lbs with my large bust and a tight outfit. I was a force to be reckoned with! I was gorgeous, severely intelligent, resourceful, and everyone liked me! It might be shallow to want attention but if I’m physically healthier being a skinny thing then all the more power to me.
I have a boyfriend, but I do like male attention. I want all men to see my boyfriend (someday husband) and to be jealous and hate that I’m with him instead of them. I want my ex husband to see me and HATE himself. I want him to bang his head on the wall and ask himself why he didn’t treat me like royalty when he could’ve kept me.
I have a huge pile of clothes in the corner of my room that are too big. The pile grows bigger as the weeks pass. I feel a little sad, as I added a favorite pair of pants to the growing pile today. I’m leaving my old life behind, my old favorite clothes that fit so well but are uncomfortable to keep a hold of now so they don’t fall off. I should be excited that I’m getting too thin. New clothes are expensive though and I never had to buy clothes for myself, only my 2 little ones and occasionally for Matthew (my boyfriend) for a special occasion. Now I find myself digging through the clean laundry DESPERATELY trying to find a couple pairs of work pants that might fit. I hope the baby didn’t puke on them.
I shared my diet with one of my coworkers today. Wrote out a huge list. I bet she won’t even look at it. She asked for it. I wish I could get 1 or 2 people to go on the same diet as me, to share this lifestyle with me but no one shares my enthusiasm or are stuck in their own ways. One of my coworkers is so pretty but creeping up in weight, I’m surprised, I used to know her weight but now she’s 10lbs heavier. If she were to go on my diet for a mere week I could knock the 10lbs right off her. I know its not that easy. But I could help. I hurt that they are so frustrated by not being able to lose but they aren’t willing to put in the work to leave the weight behind.
Onderland here I come!
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