Monday, April 15, 2013
Ever since March 27th, I've been in kind of a weird... foggy rush? There's so much to fight and so little time to get things done. Our hope waxes and wanes with each new development, and it's so ungodly exhausting to constantly think, "Today! Today's the day we see our baby again!"
And so far, it hasn't been.
Sometimes, I wonder if it ever will be.
Jeremiah had his paternity test done last week, and we got the verbal results on Friday - which are, of course, positive. Jeremiah IS without a doubt, Lily's father. Which is great! But which means nothing... even though we thought it meant everything! Barf.
It means nothing because it was a "verbal result." We now have to wait days for the notarized results with a DNA chain of custody to come out - proving that no one contaminated or tampered with the samples. Then, we have to provide that to the lawyer and wait for that week's family court to convene. Family court is on Wednesdays, which means that if we don't get the notarized results today or tomorrow, we have to wait another week.
I'm starting to understand why so many men just... give up. The system is stacked against him and even with a lawyer and science and family behind him, it's still an uphill battle against the state and the woman who lost his child to them.
Obviously, I'm frustrated.
I've been eating stupidly and skipping exercise because I'm so worn down or run ragged from all this. It's, plainly, been easier to eat something out of a box or from a bag when I've worked 9 hours, driven to Omaha to help Jeremiah with some legal form or house exam or daycare deposit or interview or court date, or taxes, then driven back home.
I actually skipped last Wednesday's Zumba for the first time since I started. That's partially because I was wiped out, and partially because the gym is closing and I'm bummed out about losing my Zumba spot. There are other locations in town, but this class was so comfortable and the people are so lovely and the teacher is EXACTLY what I needed... and they're closing.
And then last night, I realized:
Hey - you're wiped out because you're eating like GARBAGE.
Hey - you skipped Zumba even though it's the most fun you have all week!
Hey - Get it together.
I decided I'm going to use the tracker as a meal planner for the week, so that I know exactly what to thaw or grab when I leave for work. And I've decided that I'm going to go to Zumba both days this week without question. And I've decided to just breathe, to let things happen and try my best to keep my head on straight as far as my OWN life before trying to help Jeremiah with his.
I've also decided to lose another 15 lbs before I buy my swimsuit this year. I tried some on and I'm not diggin' the fit quite yet. Refocusing on my planning and nutrition will also help me feel like SOMETHING is making positive progress again, and that will help me mentally as well.
Basically, I'm just getting back into gear and out of mopes-ville.