Tax Day Assortment
Monday, April 15, 2013
A bartender was so sure he was the strongest man in town that he offered a standing $1,000 bet. He would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon and then hand it to someone at the bar. If that person could squeeze even one more drop of juice out of the lemon, he’d win the money.
Many people had tried, but no one had ever won. Then one day a tiny, scrawny little man walked in and challenged the bartender. All of the patrons laughed at the man, but the bartender agreed to the challenge and squeezed the lemon as hard as he could. Then he handed the shriveled remains to the man. The crowd gasped as the little man squeezed six more drops of juice from the lemon. Flabbergasted, the bartender paid the man his $1,000 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a weightlifter? A lumberjack?”
“Oh, no,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
What was the first Hollywood movie based on a board game?
Clue, in 1985. (A screenplay based on Monopoly has been written but never produced.)
Shtick from The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts
“Lucy always relied on slapstick, pratfalls, and physical comedy to make people laugh. And that was just on her honeymoon.”
—Milton Berle, on Lucille Ball
“You couldn’t ask for a better boss. If you did, he would fire you.”
—Audrey Meadows, on Jackie Gleason
“His movies were so bad, they were shown at drive-outs.”
—Dean Martin, on Ronald Reagan
In 1959, the US Treasury produced a Father Knows Best episode that promoted savings bonds.